12 midnight

So it's about 12 midnight right now. Not too deep into the night, but late enough to get my feelings evoked. Went through an extremely exhausting night, rushing through an assignment, which I didn't quite understand what I was writing about. Handed in dodgy work, and I handed it in late at that. Not too proud of this either, but the previous two assignments were a total mess. Results for every single module this semester is simply screwed up. Can one even do so badly in university? I mean, even at my 3rd year, I never cease to appall myself.

Also, not just academics. Dance - it's just disappointing. My desire to win (or rather, to get a decent placing) may not have been the strongest among all the dancers in the competition, screw that, even in our crew. Yet, the desire was still there. It was. & not doing as well as we wanted crushed me. It feels like Impresario all over again. just less disappointing. Perhaps I'm just used to disappointing myself already. Sometimes I really think that "It can only get better from here" is COMPLETE BULLSHIT. How does that make any sense when all I am experiencing is utter crap, followed by more crap. It doesn't get better. Hey, this is real life. Stop saying that to me. Things might not get better. Things might get worse. You get fucked up. Everything gets fucked up, because that's just how things might go. It might not get better. Think you've reached the lowest point of your life? FUCK NO, reality proves you wrong. Fate messes with a fool like you because when you thought things can't get shittier, THEY FUCKING DO.

& so I should stop going around in circles, swimming in denial. 'cos I'm as shitty as I can get, in every single aspect.

Friends stopped asking me out, I find it difficult to confide into anyone at all, I struggle with what I want to do with my life every single day, my academics are a complete mess, I want to dance better but I can't prioritize that now, I throw tantrums at my boyfriend for every single thing that I'm too oversensitive about. Tonight I just don't feel much like a winner, or anyone who deserves anything at all. Tonight, I feel like a minute speck of worthless stardust roaming through the universe. Tonight, I don't see much light in life. & hopefully that's just tonight, and that when daylight comes I'll pull myself out of this abyss.

Also, I'm suddenly amazed by how people are just dots, going through the motion of life. These dots may travel together and form lines, or simply pass each other by, or they may meet for a brief moments then proceed onto their own paths. How many dots have gotten close, and how many have drifted away from me? Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only dot on the paper, with the other dots far far away from me. Would I have made a difference if I grabbed them close? Why did I let them pass me by? How would things be different if I didn't let go? But one can't be greedy. I can't possibly hold on to everything that I want. Simply because they don't belong to me.

Time to time I still question myself, and I count my mistakes as I drown in guilt. But I can only tell myself that what I did was right, at least for me, no matter how wrong it might have been.

If only everyone could be happy.

That aside, I read your first few facebook messages to me, and our awkward whatsapp conversations. They still make me smile non-stop. & then I look at you, just right next to me, and it makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl on earth. Your silly smile and how your eyes narrow into a funny line still gets me after all these while, just like how they did right from the start.

x

What I realized

Caffeine and nicotine doesn't necessarily make things better. Well, it does. For about 5 minutes. & that's it. Reality strikes again.

How I've complaint about how screwed up my semesters were... Those weren't real. This semester - IS THE REAL SHIT. & I mean like, as real as it gets. I seriously have NO IDEA what the fuck I am doing.

God save me.

Also, about a week back, the boy and I hit our 365th day together. YAY! CONGRATULATIONS! Not bored of him yet. HAHAHA. Nah, just kidding. Love him to madness can't imagine life without him love him to the moon and back he's my life yadda yadda *insert every cheesy loveydovey phrase possible* But I mean like seriously. We're still a young couple but, I feel so so happy and blissful whenever I'm with him. I mean like we do piss each other off a lot too because I think we're both fucking straightforward people. But, most of the time I just feel so blessed and lucky to have him. Gah! *squishes him to death* (not really, duh).

x

I need to lose weight. Desperately.

Them ugly bitches should just fuck off already, okay?
_|_

Pain is when you know that the person who matters to you so much cares more about his own ego than how you feel.

I'll remember this pain and bring it along with me.

& then again, I asked myself, why did I entrust, why did I trust, why did I choose to rely?

Pushing through

It's ABCD in two days' time. Extremely nervous yet really excited. We've been struggling so much the past two weeks with our direction, getting really stressed out having Aizah injured, the few of us taking turns to fall sick. Blood, tears, sweat. Confusion, anger, doubt. But now we have a piece, a completed one, where everyone of us gave various inputs. Really proud of how far we've come :) So many times we wanted to give up but we made it through. We'll do our best for each other on Saturday, I'm sure. Thankful to have this crew. :)

On the other hand my academics are taking a turn for the worse... Yet the usual drifting here and there unsure of what I'm doing with my life. I want to get a grip but there's no time. & it's no excuse. There isn't. Or maybe because I'm hooked to The Master's Sun (Best korean drama EVURRRR)

Speaking of which... Forced the boy to catch the drama with me. Surprised by the lack of resistance. He even initiated watching the drama (which just proves how awesome it is). Love catching the drama with him because he'll comfort me when I start bawling like a baby. & his male lead impressions are just too cute hehe. Digressing but... so happy to have him. Every single day, I feel lucky to be so happy and loved. ^^