Just getting a little... weary.

Well deserving

So I got to talk to a couple of people tonight, and I felt thankful for being part of MJ. It isn't the best club to grow as a dancer in terms of techniques (just being truthful here), nor does every member share the some amount of passion as I do, but it's where I started after all. MJ is where I learn and grow, however little or much it is, MJ is where I met many precious people whom inspire me and given me so so much, MJ is where I develop more than just a dancer but also mature as an individual. I'm just thankful and lucky to be in MJ, as much as I disagree with certain systems, or yearn for change (which I have came to accept that it's just uni lifestyle and it would take a lot to change the current structure).

I just came to realise what people want is really simple - to be recognised for their efforts, however small it may be. & that assumptions can be a killer although I'm guilty of that pretty often. Just random yabbering!

Speaking of which, I've come to think of the past where I didn't have opportunities at all. I wasn't asked for a choreo project even though all my closest friends got asked and they hid it from me just so I won't be upset, I wasn't part of s24 as well even though my friends were and even juniors were. Looking back, I was never anyone's first choice. I was hardly anybody's choice. I simply am not good enough, and as sucky as it is I accepted that.

Now that I have an opportunity, I grabbed it, and leaped towards it. I know very well that I'm a spare tyre, but I gladly took it. When else will I get a chance like that? I get people telling me "why are you in this team?" and it stings from time to time, and it's okay although it stings because even I question myself. Thickskinned, or whatever you call it, I'm don't feel at all ready nor adequate for this, but I'm really tired of not being an option. So as hard as this may get, I'm gonna brainwash myself in whatever way I can, and just fight for it.

And, people don't see that it's hard. All they see is oh aly improved, oh aly is stepping up, but they don't see how long I've been mediocre, been average, been hating going for MJ classes because catching choreo and doing it in groups gives me nerves, and that now even I still am given certain opportunities I am still constantly plagued by inadequacy.

And no, you can continue telling me that you're proud of my improvement and what not but nothing will shake that feeling off.

I want to improve. I want to achieve more through MJ, fight for the same goal with my friends. But now even MJ is splitting apart. I don't know where I belong sometimes and I just feel so empty during thursday classes at times...

I don't understand why. Can someone tell me why.

I don't know when I will ever feel like I deserve this opportunity, or when I can feel half as good as they are. I realise that lately I don't even try anymore, because I just feel so unworthy/that trying wouldn't show any results. But there's only 5 weeks left, I have to make it count. I think I really got myself into some deep shit.

Whirlpool

Feeling really useless and lousy once again. I feel like I don't even belong, like I shouldn't be there. I want to give, but I have no idea how. Lacking in so many ways, and I'm just there to make up the numbers. But negativity aside, I'll just try my best.

Told the boy to pack dinner for me since he was out yesterday. Told him to surprise me and he got me the awesome chocolate cake from P.S Cafe that we both love. Love simple moments like this and I feel really blessed to have him.

Also, HOCC is over. I feel so much less like a ticking timebomb, less like an emotional freak. Hahahahaha. I have so many people to give thanks for, I'm just so thankful to everyone who played a part in this fulfilling journey of mine. Srethgie means so damn much to me!

How is recess week almost over when it just started? Hate school. Grr.

Here I am, sitting all alone in the huge and empty study room, holding back an urge to just break into tears. I don't think I'm strong enough for this. As much as others are pushing, this moment right now, I feel so alone.

The person I'm dying to hear from seems to be interested in something else. & while I try to make things better it's just brushed aside. What more can I do. I just feel useless, helpless, like a loser who's taken for granted.

Is it that hard to just show some appreciation. Or maybe I just really don't have the ability make that much of a difference to your life.

Useless.

Hard times call for strong hearts.

Yesterday was almost unbearable for me. I haven't felt this negative and helpless in a long long while. But as much as I want to escape, I wouldn't. I'd be letting myself down, letting others down. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I want to push through till the end. We are all in a really bad place now, but the only way we can get out of this pit hole, is up. We'll pull each other up.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm clinging on for. But basing on the fact that I am still continuing to fight despite feeling fucked up, this really means something to me. (Cognitive approach of psychology AYYYYYYYY. Finally applying something from the textbooks.)

We hurt each other so much sometimes, and especially during times like this, it hurts. Like crazy. But I know it'll be worth it. Every time we reconcile, I just feel thankful to have you. Thanks for giving in to me. Also, the only way through this is to stand together. So yes, I won't back down.

I'm upset that our valentine's day picnic was canceled due to hall dance issues. Honestly, sometimes hall dance is just too fucked up. It's like ruining my life, sleep, our relationship, friendships, studies, etc. Okay that's besides the point. I was upset, and we both didn't have to mood to go for a picnic anymore. But I'm still glad we got to spend some time together. To take a halt. It was simple and nice.

& the rest of the Srethgie members, the thrash out session was gold. I liked how everyone poured their hearts out, although we were mostly in tears. But at least we felt something, we shared something. & this is enough to motivate me. I just feel very thankful to have Lester, Candice, Gloria. Also, the rest of the members who are all trying their very best to make it work.

Okay time to catch up with work. 2 mid term quizzes on next monday and no where near done.

x

Repent

While I'm trying hard to be sensitive towards others, I guess I tend to forget about hurting the ones closest to me. I am especially harsh and direct towards you, and I guess I forget about being sensitive towards you.

I was just trying to spare a thought for the affected ones, but do I really "treat you like shit" "don't care about how you feel". Every time I try to phrase my words with caution but I guess sometimes when it slips, it slips.

I can't do this, trying to be nice to everyone. I'm no angel. I wish I could give less fucks sometimes but I'm just like that.

Bittersweet.

Just when I feel like everything is getting so dreadful, it also reminded me that everything is coming to an end very soon. Watching Srethgie's full run video filmed last night made me feel a whole universe of emotions. I would have never imagined reaching the current standard a month back. I know I kept convincing myself to believe, but I was honestly just... exasperated and kinda losing hope. Not that we are doing extremely well now, but we are definitely getting somewhere. It just shows that hard work produces results. Feeling motivated to push even more with the team.

This feeling, so bittersweet. This year's definitely ten times more stressful than last year, and being a choreographer is !@#$%^&*. But I'm hoping we'll at least do ourselves proud, and enjoy showcasing OUR piece as a team.

15 days left. Let's do this.

Anger

I'm angry that I can't handle my emotions better. I'm angry that I'm incompetent. I'm angry that I'm dependent. I'm angry that I'm indecisive. I'm angry that I'm not creative enough. I'm angry that I can't help. I'm angry at fate, at luck, at those people who gave up on us, at stupid rules that made things this way. I'm angry that I can't get out of the past. I'm angry that I'm not a good enough friend, team mate, daughter, sister, lover. I'm angry that I'm a procrastinator. I'm angry that I'm weak. I'm angry that I'm vulnerable. I'm angry that I can't keep my life in check. I'm angry that I don't take care of my health and body enough. I'm angry that I'm angry, and that I vent it on people that I love. I'm angry that I'm destructive. I'm angry that I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm angry that I'm helpless. I'm angry over the things I've said. I'm angry at the words unspoken. I'm angry that people hide. I'm angry that people are too direct. I'm angry that there's no peace. I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that I'm not the positive person I used to be. I'm angry that I have to pretend.

I hate myself at this point of time to the core. It's going to last quite a while.

Bread.

Past relationships are like this - when a slice of bread with jam and another slice of bread with peanut butter is made into a sandwich, and when you decided to pry the two slices open - the bread is not longer a jam bread or a peanut butter bread, but one that is tainted. I wouldn't say that it's entirely true, but it's relatable, no?

I'm now a nutella bread that has met my other nutella half. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get reminded that before this, I've tainted other breads. Ugly, dark brown, tainted traces of nutella. The guilt swallows me whole. And I too, get reminded that however small they may be, I'm tainted with jam and peanut butter. & the taste of it is awful. I regret it.

And for even thinking about all this, I hate myself. Why dwell on peanut butters and jams when you are happy with the nutella you have? Let it go, they've been long enough. It's not like I'm not over those things. It's really not. But I just have moments where I hate myself for certain things that I've done wrong. I'd get really angry too, when I'm reminded that the other slice of nutella is in fact not purely made out of nutella either.

I guess it's hard to be a perfect sandwich.

Gosh I'm getting really random. Sorry, just being weird.

I feel like I'll never be able to make things right to some of those slices of peanut butter and jam breads and it'll always be a torn that pains me.