"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have."

- Anonymous

Words to remember. Words to live by.

everytime i get shouted at like some worthless being, i really believe that i am. worthless.

Grandma lost her battle to the cancer.

We saw it coming, but I never thought she would deteriorate that quickly. I make it a point to go home every week. From the day I went home and realized she was losing weight and had yellow skin, to the day where she got hospitalized, to the day where she laid in bed not being able to move much but only breathe, to the day she stopped breathing - everything went way too fast.

When I received the call that she was showing signs that she was going to leave soon, I could only blame myself for not devoting enough time for her and for the family. Guilt. Regrets.

I remember at the hospital, she told me to eat more bakkwa because she knows that I liked it. She held my hand so tight.

Back at home she told me she wanted me to get married some day, to a good man, and that she wished me and Lester all the best. She wanted me to succeed in my life.

On her last day on earth I fed her with ice cream, and she could still enjoy ice cream.

But yet, just a sleep after, she was gone.

Stopped breathing. How could a person who was just speaking to me, still opening her eyes, still talking to me, still enjoying her ice cream, be dead just after one sleep? How could she be possibly gone just because she stopped breathing?

I stared at her chest for movement, and I for a moment I thought "SHE IS BREATHING. SHE IS ALIVE.", but it was just the wind, blowing on the blanket that was covering her body. Her toes were turning purple and just she laid there, oddly still.

Thankfully though, she left the world without much pain, with a smile on her face, despite the illness.

7 days of mourning seems like what was needed for the family. I was just worried for my dad more than anyone else. My heart ached for this man, who has never shed a single tear, cried as he held onto his mother.

My dad is the strongest man I know, the most filial son who would do anything for his mother, and also a man that I respect the most. & I could only tell him that I am here, that he has us, but I know that nothing would help with the pain he was experiencing as he lost the one that he loved the most.

The other day I burst into tears in Lester's room and cried non-stop. Nothing could stop it. & I felt bad that Lester felt so helpless, but honestly his was comforting enough for me. I could never cry in front of my parents, I wouldn't want to make them worry when they need my support. I could only cry to Lester, and that is my only outlet. Also, my mom told me this happens when Grandma is near to visit. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. She hates being lonely and I wish she has the company of kind souls.

I am so thankful for Lester - he checks up on me, he makes it a point to come to the funeral when he's free. He drove me home knowing that I couldn't as we rushed back to see her one last time. He was there for me and gave me so much strength.

& also friends like Ahmeh, who kept texting me to ask if I'm okay, and even came down to the wake with Steph Gloria and Chin even though I didn't ask them to. I really appreciate their kind gestures and it's really more than I could ask for from anyone.

Shenghui too, whom so kindly offered to pay respects. It was really nice of him to ask and show concern for my family. & yet I didn't even know when his grandfather passed a year ago. Not many would go that far, and I'm thankful that he did.

Life has been a rough patch. But, I could only move on.

Realizing that I'm not the only one facing the same issue is somewhat reassuring, though I really hope that nobody suffers the same thing as I am.

This more or less sums my day up -
"The final talk Ms Carol gave to the Modern Jazz class was so awakening: the different phases a dancer goes through that affects growth. The start>pure joy>learning>disappointment and resilience vs confidence and arrogance>picking things back up vs giving up. Always stay humble and remind yourself why you started dancing in the first place - find the connection between you and dance. But I do realize it's easier said than done. & maybe she failed to mention "jadedness".

I want to get out of this trench.

But for now, HP4103 and HP4102 to tackle.
Leggo.

Sit and cry

I spent about an hour or so bawling my eyes out to Lester about how alone I feel when I dance these days.
I don't fight for anything at all.
Just feel really lethargic, and yes, alone.

I've lost the drive and I really don't know what and who I can fight for anymore.

I don't even know when this sudden loneliness engulfed me but I think it just did.
I say I'm jaded but am I really, because if I were I would care less.

He said it's time I fight for myself, question myself what I want for myself.

But I don't even know.

What do I want?

Life and Losses

Why do people live only to die in the end?

Fat Grandma is diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer, terminal. 3 to 9 months left.

She's not even fat anymore. She lost a lot of weight and her skin is yellow - toxin build up. The doctors can't even cure her because her body wouldn't be able to take the treatment. I knew her memory was starting to fail her, I knew she started to have some very weird pet peeves she never had before her eye surgery, but I didn't expect her to get diagnosed with cancer, not after her diabetes was miraculously gone. There weren't even symptoms, it developed so suddenly and rapidly.

It pained me to see tubes poked right through her flesh, her whining to me that it's painful, saying "When can I go home?" "But I don't smoke and drink..." "But I drink plenty of water each day" "Don't cry for me I'm fine".

I ought to be home more often.

From that young dependent girl whom she doted on to that girl who barely returns home in a month - I don't know what I'll feel if she's gone.

I want her okay.

Stagnated

Can't seem to sleep. Had a long day, starting off with choreoing for CP, to Koharu's class, to Osch recital prac. Very inspired but also at the same time feeling jaded - the irony of it.

I have came to the conclusion that I have stagnated. I think I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

Haven't been doing conditioning since the end of S24. Haven't been feeling the hunger to improve either. Just been dancing to dance. Does that make sense? I don't feel like pushing. Actually, I think I am such a person - lazy in all aspects.

The world is filled with fake ass bitches and shit and it can get really tiring. Some people are just annoying on first look lol I can't even explain it.

Feeing stressed out for school too. I haven't been doing anything.

Ahhhhh I need to breathe.

I feel so grossed out watching myself dance ugh

Support, Love, and a little bit of Pixiedust

I didn't want to join this year's battle - admittedly, I am really afraid of freestyling and I try my best to avoid it discreetly. Thoughts like "Give it a try" "What sort of dancer are you if you can't freestyle" do cross my mind, but more often than not I fall back into my comfort zone, because I like it there.

I was not Lester's first option when it came to choosing his battle partner either. He wanted to pair up with Chin. But Chin had already paired up with Candice. & I had a very strong feeling that he would never pick me as his partner. I hate to say this, but we don't work exactly well when it comes to dance. Yes we do have chemistry, and we support each other when they are separate things, but when it comes to working on a single thing we end up squabbling quite a bit just because we are so straightforward with our thoughts. & I know that I'll always be the weaker one when it comes to dance capabilities. It doesn't upset me that often because it is reality, but sometimes I think to myself - "When will I be worthy enough for him to view me as an equal". Maybe it's just me being sensitive or it's a one-sided thing. He encourages me, give me courage, and tells me I'm better than I think. But deep down inside I know that the differences exist. Some things you can just feel, instead of them being said.

Okay so the point of it is, he actually chose me, out of everyone else, to be his battle partner (although second to Chin but how to compare right). & he did mention "nobody else to partner with already also what", but I'm still thankful that he chose me. & if it wasn't him who pushed me, I don't think I would have battled this year. Because I was finding so many excuses to push freestyling away, psychoing myself into believing that there is nothing wrong with just being a "studio dancer" (btw, a mediocre one).

He told me that he couldn't join the battle halfway through because of other commitments. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. But he managed to shake that commitment off and we had to join again. I felt very conflicted and struggled with this piece of news. All he said was "Uncomfortable don't join lor. Scared don't try lor." Beneath that snide remark I know that all he wanted was to push me, as if saying "Don't be ridiculous and humji la just do it can".

He was so busy we didn't even have time to do tags. We did it on the battle day itself, and we took like 10 minutes to come up with it. It was fun being stupid together.

I know he was super nervous and excited about the battle itself. But when knew I was struggling with the whole anxiety and stress, he constantly constantly gave me support and carried me through the entire battle with his words of reassurance and hugs. To feel him believing in me meant the whole world to me, & I feel so thankful for him.

He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

3 years of battling (all 3 times without sessioning or practicing for freestyle - just go out there and throw face only), I no longer feel stagnant. This year I understand my body a little better, my movements. But I know I am still unable to translate my thoughts into solid movements. It was frustrating for me, but I could only blame it on my own laziness or refusal to try. I knew what I wanted to do, but when I went out on the battle ground my mind is a blank and I'm only moving barely on sheer will. I felt disappointed in myself.

But comparing my first two years to this year, at least I knew what I wanted. I had an intention, I had an aim. I know what I don't know, and I know what I can or cannot do. It's a tiny step forward, but it is a step. I realize now, the importance of sessioning, of building muscle memory, of nailing transitions and musicality. All these which I knew I could work on but did not.

Also, very proud of my comrades. Ahmeh, who did so well. Very proud of her improvements within these short few months. Having the will really makes a difference. Hazri, who braved it and yolo-ed in the end despite Yan not being able to make it. Yan, whom I know would have did so well if she were to be there, and I know she wanted to. I hope everything is going well for her. Chin, who showed me even Gods do have their fears. Unsurprisingly, he did well as usual. Steph Gloria Wenqi Ahlian Jianbin, batchies, etc, all stepping up and improving so much. Juniors, who were all so amazing and daring. So much to learn from them. Jinghan, who showed his support all the way from USA. I wish Ken and Fel could have battled. I miss seeing Fel at MJ and I know both of them would have killed it. I wish Aizah was here with us, fighting through this. Ahlian, Ahmeh, Steph, Jo, Zan, Kelmond, Ken, Qiaoyi, Hazri, Shaz, Lester, and some others who I might have missed out who all knew that I was nervous to a point I went speechless and went numb all over my body, and gave me strength through their supportive words. 

So much thoughts I don't even know what else to say. But I'm thankful for MJ, thankful for these angels in my life, thankful for this experience.

Dance is a gift that brings people together. I felt that yesterday once again. Because of dance I live. I love MJ!

Defeated

End of Kpop Tuesdays and Fridays with BDSS! I'm really glad there's no longer 745am classes because THOSE ARE THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIFIERS. I feel so lethargic the rest of the day.

It was a really fun experience, and I'm glad the students grew along with our guidance.

A setback though, was my lesson with APS. I feel so defeated. I thought I came up with the perfect solution for the group of students I was supposed to handle. They were supposed to come up with a showcase, but most of them don't dance NOR sing. So I had an idea that I thought would work. But nothing seems to be working. As an educator I told myself to keep my energy levels high, and just keep pushing. But how do you really push a wall? If they are unwilling to move, what am I supposed to do then? Knock them down?

I'm at my wits end. I really want to do my job well. I want to see them come out of their shells. But I'm having a bit of trouble with that.

I'm going to go on rainymood, play some ballads on 8tracks, and coop up in my room with the fairylights on.

#burritomode