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Alyssa

Waves

Truthfully I've gotten so busy daily that I don't have the time to stop and think about every aspect of life. I've stopped having meaningful conversations with myself and everyday's just a hustle - tick off something from the to-do list, on to the next, end my day with exhaustion, and repeat this cycle when day breaks. Something about my recent trip to the States made me start thinking again. & I'm not sure if that deserves a celebration 'cos tbh it can get draining listening to the different voices in your head, getting pulled into different directions.

I've neglected this space for way too long & I'm glad I found it again because honestly, sometimes, it's hard for anyone to fully understand how you feel. Got a feeling I'll be here way more often than I used to be.

Floating at the top of my head right now, I'm thinking - how well do we actually think we know a person? Someone whom you think you know so well. Every thought, every move. & then suddenly, just one day, you're proven to be wrong? There's a dark side to the moon. What happens when the person you think you know so well ends up disappointing you? What happens when you see something you've failed to notice, something that you detest, in someone that you hold dear? People change, but it's hard to change someone. Who am I to dictate how one should be? Besides, I'm flawed myself. Way too flawed. Yet "I can't believe he/she said that" / "I can't believe that's the person he/she actually is" - how do we resolve this kink?

So infuriated I just need to whine.

Seeing a grown adult, conforming under negative social pressure, having no self-control whatsoever, is honestly disappointing.

This is the 4th time I had to deal with this same old shit, and it will be the last.
Such situations are so uncalled for and can totally be avoided in my most honest opinion.

It's not about me.
Why would I want to see someone I love suffer in the most retarded way possible?

Nobody is responsible for the shit you get into but yourself.
No, those people who made you do it don't clean up after your mess and take care of you.
Your friends and I are the ones checking up on you.
Why burden people and hurt yourself 'cos of some assholes who honestly have nothing better to do.

Seriously, I don't get how this whole thing works.
It makes no sense, whatsoever.
This is what 18 year old teeny boppers do.
Plain ridiculous.

For a moment I thought I was going to lose you forever and my heart stopped.
I don't have to tell you how stupid it will be to die of such a lame cause, do I?
Not cursing anyone, but this is not funny.

I feel like my worries and doubts are casting shadows on whatever hopes and dreams I used to have.
I hate uncertainties and this transition in life is too stressful for me to bear.
I don't know what I want.

People say things would work out but decisions have to be made and mistakes can't be erased and I know that's part of growing and learning but I just

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean that they don't love you with all they have."

- Anonymous

Words to remember. Words to live by.

everytime i get shouted at like some worthless being, i really believe that i am. worthless.

Grandma lost her battle to the cancer.

We saw it coming, but I never thought she would deteriorate that quickly. I make it a point to go home every week. From the day I went home and realized she was losing weight and had yellow skin, to the day where she got hospitalized, to the day where she laid in bed not being able to move much but only breathe, to the day she stopped breathing - everything went way too fast.

When I received the call that she was showing signs that she was going to leave soon, I could only blame myself for not devoting enough time for her and for the family. Guilt. Regrets.

I remember at the hospital, she told me to eat more bakkwa because she knows that I liked it. She held my hand so tight.

Back at home she told me she wanted me to get married some day, to a good man, and that she wished me and Lester all the best. She wanted me to succeed in my life.

On her last day on earth I fed her with ice cream, and she could still enjoy ice cream.

But yet, just a sleep after, she was gone.

Stopped breathing. How could a person who was just speaking to me, still opening her eyes, still talking to me, still enjoying her ice cream, be dead just after one sleep? How could she be possibly gone just because she stopped breathing?

I stared at her chest for movement, and I for a moment I thought "SHE IS BREATHING. SHE IS ALIVE.", but it was just the wind, blowing on the blanket that was covering her body. Her toes were turning purple and just she laid there, oddly still.

Thankfully though, she left the world without much pain, with a smile on her face, despite the illness.

7 days of mourning seems like what was needed for the family. I was just worried for my dad more than anyone else. My heart ached for this man, who has never shed a single tear, cried as he held onto his mother.

My dad is the strongest man I know, the most filial son who would do anything for his mother, and also a man that I respect the most. & I could only tell him that I am here, that he has us, but I know that nothing would help with the pain he was experiencing as he lost the one that he loved the most.

The other day I burst into tears in Lester's room and cried non-stop. Nothing could stop it. & I felt bad that Lester felt so helpless, but honestly his was comforting enough for me. I could never cry in front of my parents, I wouldn't want to make them worry when they need my support. I could only cry to Lester, and that is my only outlet. Also, my mom told me this happens when Grandma is near to visit. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. She hates being lonely and I wish she has the company of kind souls.

I am so thankful for Lester - he checks up on me, he makes it a point to come to the funeral when he's free. He drove me home knowing that I couldn't as we rushed back to see her one last time. He was there for me and gave me so much strength.

& also friends like Ahmeh, who kept texting me to ask if I'm okay, and even came down to the wake with Steph Gloria and Chin even though I didn't ask them to. I really appreciate their kind gestures and it's really more than I could ask for from anyone.

Shenghui too, whom so kindly offered to pay respects. It was really nice of him to ask and show concern for my family. & yet I didn't even know when his grandfather passed a year ago. Not many would go that far, and I'm thankful that he did.

Life has been a rough patch. But, I could only move on.

Realizing that I'm not the only one facing the same issue is somewhat reassuring, though I really hope that nobody suffers the same thing as I am.

This more or less sums my day up -
"The final talk Ms Carol gave to the Modern Jazz class was so awakening: the different phases a dancer goes through that affects growth. The start>pure joy>learning>disappointment and resilience vs confidence and arrogance>picking things back up vs giving up. Always stay humble and remind yourself why you started dancing in the first place - find the connection between you and dance. But I do realize it's easier said than done. & maybe she failed to mention "jadedness".

I want to get out of this trench.

But for now, HP4103 and HP4102 to tackle.
Leggo.

Sit and cry

I spent about an hour or so bawling my eyes out to Lester about how alone I feel when I dance these days.
I don't fight for anything at all.
Just feel really lethargic, and yes, alone.

I've lost the drive and I really don't know what and who I can fight for anymore.

I don't even know when this sudden loneliness engulfed me but I think it just did.
I say I'm jaded but am I really, because if I were I would care less.

He said it's time I fight for myself, question myself what I want for myself.

But I don't even know.

What do I want?

Life and Losses

Why do people live only to die in the end?

Fat Grandma is diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer, terminal. 3 to 9 months left.

She's not even fat anymore. She lost a lot of weight and her skin is yellow - toxin build up. The doctors can't even cure her because her body wouldn't be able to take the treatment. I knew her memory was starting to fail her, I knew she started to have some very weird pet peeves she never had before her eye surgery, but I didn't expect her to get diagnosed with cancer, not after her diabetes was miraculously gone. There weren't even symptoms, it developed so suddenly and rapidly.

It pained me to see tubes poked right through her flesh, her whining to me that it's painful, saying "When can I go home?" "But I don't smoke and drink..." "But I drink plenty of water each day" "Don't cry for me I'm fine".

I ought to be home more often.

From that young dependent girl whom she doted on to that girl who barely returns home in a month - I don't know what I'll feel if she's gone.

I want her okay.