Defeated

End of Kpop Tuesdays and Fridays with BDSS! I'm really glad there's no longer 745am classes because THOSE ARE THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIFIERS. I feel so lethargic the rest of the day.

It was a really fun experience, and I'm glad the students grew along with our guidance.

A setback though, was my lesson with APS. I feel so defeated. I thought I came up with the perfect solution for the group of students I was supposed to handle. They were supposed to come up with a showcase, but most of them don't dance NOR sing. So I had an idea that I thought would work. But nothing seems to be working. As an educator I told myself to keep my energy levels high, and just keep pushing. But how do you really push a wall? If they are unwilling to move, what am I supposed to do then? Knock them down?

I'm at my wits end. I really want to do my job well. I want to see them come out of their shells. But I'm having a bit of trouble with that.

I'm going to go on rainymood, play some ballads on 8tracks, and coop up in my room with the fairylights on.

#burritomode

Stay with me

I have so much going on in my mind today. I have no idea what got over me.

Maybe watching Lion City Throwdown made me realize how much of a cooped up dancer I am, so incompetent of stepping out of my comfort zone.

Maybe SUAD vetting made me think of the one we had two years back, where I felt just happy dancing alongside my friends.

Maybe listening to "The Call" by Backstreet Boys made me think back on Flava days, which was so much of a struggle as a fresh dancer, yet so genuine and fun.

Truth is, nobody will stay forever. People come and go. & yet it took me 3 years to realize this. I wish those batch mates that I once spent so many good times with, once created great memories and milestones with, could still be fighting the same war with me. Yet, everyone has their own war to fight. & nobody is to blame - just cruel reality. Reality means decisions. Decisions means sacrifices. Forgoing this for that, losing bits and pieces from one to build up on something else.

That's what I am too, isn't it? I've drifted apart from my closest girlfriends, my family, my academics, all in the name of dance. Time and time again I ask "Why do I even do this? What do I do this for?". & it has been 3 years. 3 years, stuck in this cycle of questioning, but still going back to it time and time again. It's like a addiction you can't kick.

People make decisions, and have different priorities. & I've learnt to respect that. I'll love the ones who stay, and thank those who left for the difference they've made in my life. You can never turn back time, no one could. So many times I look around me and feel so lonely even though I'm surrounded by a studio filled with people. But I'm learning to cope with that.

Why do I stick around? Beats me too. Maybe because I don't belong anywhere else.

I got scared just thinking about how EVERY SINGLE decision you make you in your life leads you to where you are getting to next. & that's why I hate to make decisions. Because I know I am responsible for what comes after. I wish I made better choices. But mistakes make us grow.

I miss those days where I don't think so much - just dancing because I enjoy it, because I have my friends dancing with me.

& so what if you start somewhere new? You never know who's true to you. I've heard too many scary things. People like to talk shit. Some of which angers me so much. I'm no saint, but sometimes people judge too much.

The point is... I actually don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just feel sad that the only constant is change.

I wish everyone whom I cared about could stay.

I've not felt such anger in a long while. This coming from the one I love is extremely disappointing and hurtful. This goes to show how much you care. Bag of lies and bullshit.

My shoulders are so tense when I dance + I don't breathe when I dance UGH so irritated watching myself dance Y U SO UGLY

Counting down 3 days to the end of my extended internship!

I'm starting to lose drive because I feel so so worn out with all the work to do, all the overwhelming dance practices, the thought of school reopening, not spending enough time with the boyfriend, etc.

I'm dancing everyday, from Monday to Sunday. It feels like year one once again.

I don't know how I landed myself into all these commitments yet again. I just know that I can't neglect my studies this time round, because it's not just me, I'm doing FYP with YJ and Clem and I cannot let them handle everything by themselves again.

I'm really excited for O School recital, especially. It's the first recital that I've tried auditioning for. I'm really thankful to get into Fredy's Street Jazz, although I would have preferred Hiphop because I really feel like staying away from Street Jazz for a bit. Still, I really am glad that I even got into any of the items. Among all these, there's Danzpeople recital (which I haven't attended any practices yet), preparing for Nemesis's concept video, prepping junior team for ABCD (oh gosh), all the random shows (NTU Fest, Hall 8 SP Night, Alumni Night), teaching dance part-time in schools, SUAD practices, Lester's temple performance, and suddenly having to perform an extra item when I was originally supposed to just coach Lester's sisters and their friends for an item. With all these on my shoulders, I have almost no time for anyone at all.

Just recently, I had to give up meeting two groups of friends who matter to me - my 2 JC cliques.
I feel absolutely bad for canceling on them, because I did look forward to meeting them. But I just can't shake my commitments off.

It's really moments like these I ask myself what the hell am I doing to myself and what are all these for.

Also, I feel like I can't dance. Been having self-esteem issues lately. & my fitness is deteriorating, which means dancing like a nuaballz. Ugh damn sian. Lousy piece of shit.

I can't even get over my own inadequacies but have to mentor others now oh god no this is one hell of a leap of faith zzzzzz

GIVE ME TIME!!!! I NEED MORE TIME

Resorting to spamming cute animal videos to stop the tears. Not working.

I hate this.

I need a getaway. Perhaps alone. I don't wish to expend energy making people understand anymore, even to my closest ones. I'm really tired of emotions.

Where were you when I needed you most? Where were you? I obviously don't matter anymore. & it's just gonna get worse from here.

Is history repeating itself? Maybe I'm bound to this fate.

累了 真的什麼都不想想 什麼都不想管了。

Rushing my work that I procrastinated. I deserve this fatigue. Ugh I'm gonna die.

Feeling kind of like this, lately.

Light at the end of the tunnel. Yes.
(On a side note, I really adore The National)