Vanish

Have you ever felt like your existence does not really matter? Like if you silently walked away from everything, no one would notice. Even if they did, they would be okay with it.  Even if they were, they would be okay after a short while.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, but I picture my funeral every now and then. Who would be there, who wouldn't be. Will people whom I place close to my heart be shedding tears for me. Will people who hate me be there, yet gloat over my departure.

I'm sounding really suicidal, but I'm not. I'm trying to live with some sort of an end in mind.

I think exams make me overthink things.

Daymare

My worst day is over - for now. Tackled two papers today - clinical neuropsychology and working in 21st century. Okay fine, they tackled me. I don't know how I got through today but I just kept on crying. What a mature way to deal with stressors and emotions. I won't be surprised if I fail clinical neuropsych... I mean like what can I expect? I left the exam hall early because I simply gave up, it's too much of a waste of time. I kind of regret now. Maybe if I checked my answers thoroughly instead of shading random ovals on the OMR sheet... As the saying goes... "一 nightmare 还有 一 nightmare mare", my turmoil is far from over. Instead, this regret will keep clouding my thoughts until I see my results. Okay I made that quote up, but you get the gist. Also, didn't get to finish my working in 21st paper and am engulfed with frustration.

I wonder how much further can my GPA plunge.
Challenging limits, aye?

On a sidenote, I am itching to dance so damn badly.

D-1

So Korean paper is down, which leaves me with 4 papers.
- 2 back to back, content-intensive modules
- 2 completely untouched modules a week later
I need some sort of a miracle.

I'm kind of giving up.

On a random note, it was really cute of you to princess hug me to my bed, tuck me in, sing me the sweetest bedtime lullaby before kissing my forehead and saying good night. So blessed ^^

Philtre d'amour

Contradicting that the only thing that can make one so happy is also the one that kills.

Love an elixir
Love a poison

Pumping through my veins, running in my blood, lethal venomous antidote.

Intoxicated.

Dust

Today, I just don't feel quite like myself.

What happens when flames turns to dust? What do you expect from that pile of useless matter - a bloody phoenix? In reality you just sweep them all away under the carpet. Is that the destiny of a flame - to turn to dust? Is there anything out there that could last forever?

As the flame turns feeble sometimes it's best to just extinguish it. Perhaps then, at least some of it remains.

I've stooped so low. I'm as vulnerable as I can get. Why is it so hard for you to do that for me too?