Hopefulness only brings about greater sufferings

You can only stay naive for that short a  while before realizing that there's a whole dark, dirty, murky side to this whole thing that deviates from it's pretty, shining, glamorous exterior that's all but a facade. Never ever get your hopes high up because it only slams you back onto the ground when it turns into disappointment and you end up crushed. Naivety used to be cute but no, now you gotta know how to guard yourself so you won't shatter into shards.

I think I have certain trust issues/obsession over unnecessary trivialities and it's taking a toll on me.

Oh please

Firstly okay I'll admit it is absolutely childish of me to even rant about this but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway because well yes it annoyed the hell out of me.

Before you go talking shit, please look back at your own actions. Honestly I don't deny that whatever you said is true, because well they're sort of the truth. It only got on my nerves because you are way worse? I mean... ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?

& sorry I'm not gonna stop 'cos I'm actually don't find it much of a problem. I kinda know my limits so you can either 1) shut up 2) practice what you preach, bitch.

Also, on a completely regarded note, I feel completely............... Stupid. Won't let it happen to me again.

Paradox of Progress

The paradox of progress can be explained as the fact that there are great advancements in technology, medicine and communication etc over the past century but this has created more problems for people to deal with, instead of making life easier. higher economy and consumerism leads to more stress as people work more and society falls behind. As we move forward as a society we create more problems. this is the paradox.

So were people really happier, in the past? Where things were different? When they had less options? A place and time where there are less opportunity costs? Where one choice won't lead to the "sacrifice" of the many other options? Is it really better there? Why do people progress just to create more problems to solve? & when we solve them why do we not really remove the roots of the problems?

Just reading about this itself makes me feel extremely frustrated about life. Because people are just so damn fucking contradicting, insatiable, twisted, weird creatures. We always want things to be better but are never satisfied. "The grass is greener on the other side" just shows how fucked up people are isn't it.

I think I found it - the change in my personality, the reason why I'm getting less optimistic. My major. I didn't realize it myself but the textbook said it - psychology focuses a lot on the negative aspects of life. & it is so true. All we see are problems in people. Problems of so many kinds, and problems that keeps sprouting out, non-stop. They just keep adding on problems and diagnoses into the DSM. Who knows, maybe I'm ill too. After all being "abnormal" is just a point on the continuum, between two extreme ends on normality and abnormality. Honestly, all these are pretty interesting. I just hate it whenever it turns into a curriculum, a module where things have to be tested. I understand when I read and when you tell me about it I can go "Oh that's what it is, I know" but whenever the paper's infront of me I just can't do it. Because I don't actually really make the effort to memorize it. You can say I never ever internalized those information, because I don't.

God knows what I'm rambling on about. I'm just depressed after a long day, after taking two consecutive papers in a day. Screwed both of them up by the way. Just when I thought Korean level 2 could be my saving grace. Guess not.

Not like the remaining two modules are gonna help me. Think they're just gonna drag me further down into hell. & my brain's already telling me to give up already.

I think heart is getting murky. I'm harboring hate, dislikes, frustration, and all the blackish shit - I think cigarettes are healthier than all those negative thoughts.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Okay not feeling any better.

Just gonna have the night to myself. Just one night. No alarms. Then I'll attempt to continue my futile fight against all the shit that's hurled onto my face. Yup.

Bye shitty world. & it's true. Sometimes I just want the world to end. Give me a day. To cleanse my thoughts and attempt to restore my faith in humanity.

Couldn't be better

When we ditch the notes and decide to have a tiny respite with both our favourite sitcoms. When we squabble over how we won't give up our own packet of junk food but still end up stuffing those goodies into each others' mouths and proceed to give a silly satisfied smile in unison. When we get tired of the show and end up snuggling under sheets. When you act all cute towards me, and to nobody else. When we finally get sleepy and tuck each other in. When you pull me into your arms. When we give each other a light peck on the lips and whisper good night.

6th

So it's our 6th month together now & it's really strange. Half a year ain't that long a time but it feels like he's been my life since for a long long time. Not in a bad way. But just, I don't exactly remember how I lived my life without him prior to this. Weird.

So I sent him like a virtual package, also as a form of exam encouragement, via email. It's the second time I'm doing a exam welfare pack for him! I feel happy whenever I do stuff for him.

Not posting up the contents (duhhhhh) but the gist is that I made a Gwiyomi video. Yes. Proceed to judge. But hey, I really had fun making the video. How often do you get to go all out and act cute like this. After all I'm turning 22 (old hag) and yeah GOTTA ACT CUTE WHILE I AM.... NOT THAT OLD YET RIGHT?!

Screenshots --- because the video itself is for Lester's eyes only hahahahaha, although it did sort of leak out and a few of my friends saw it before him. DON'T BOTHER SEARCHING FOR IT, YOU CAN'T. HAHAHA. IT'S PRIVATE NOW!

HAHAHAHA the video is worse. I think I'm not exactly the cutesy kind of girlfriend so yes, this is a one off thing. COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY I TRIED TO ACT CUTE TO YOU OKAY LESTER LEONG.

So this tiny little part of me was hoping that he would get me Ladurée macarons, after dropping hints multiple times. Actually no, I in-his-face told him "PLEASE BUY ME MACARONS. PLEASE." every once a few days, but he didn't. In fact he replied with a "NO". So I was a little upset, partly because I REALLY REALLY wanted to try the macarons, and also because I kinda like surprises from time to time I'M A GIRL HOR OKAY. Also, he forgot that it was our monthsary. But IT'S OKAY. I mean, honestly we don't really celebrate our months, and sometimes we both forget the dates together. So yeah. JUST GET ME MY MACARONS AFTER EXAMS TOGETHER, BITCH. PFFT.

Okay after bitching about him I should praise him. He's actually really sweet on a daily basis. He takes care of me, helps me clear my plates, still cracks my eggs for breakfast, pledged to peel prawns for me (because I am a princess like that), listens to me whine, tries to reassure me every other day because I'm like damn fucking insecure all the fucking time, cuddles me when I feel upset, walks me up to my doorstep if he happens to send me home, offers me his food whenever he thinks my meal looks tragic, etc etc. It's all the littlest things. So I'm really grateful, just to have him by my side, through everything.  & those are enough (although a surprise from time to time would be awesome. Tyvm.)

Okay gotta go study. EXAMS. UGH.

Fairytale

You asked me why do I like to look at you so much. "There must be a reason why", the answer flashes in my head but I can't put it into words. Is it weird of me to do that? I do it without noticing, simply because it feels like such a natural thing to do. Everytime I'm with you, I drown in bliss. So much so that it warps my sense of reality. I look at you so I can remember how it looks like to be with you at that moment, and relate it to how I feel. I still get that feeling of disbelief, ALL THE TIME, and I think to myself "How can this angel be right next to me?" What a wonderful feeling it is, to love someone, and for him to love you back. And so I stare, marveling at the fact that you're mine, and that I'm yours, all heart and soul. At that moment, everything's perfect, simple yet intricate. As our limbs clumsily intertwine, I just want this feeling to stay and never fade away.

Just tell me you love me, only for tonight

I have no idea where all my sunshine and rainbows have gone to. I've been so very emotional. By emotional, I mean, I go laughing at something for a long while and can't stop (okay this is actually quite common for me), & crying even at the escalator long after the credits have rolled to the film "The Croods".  Or have I always been like this? I just can't seem to relate myself to that because just half a year ago I was perfectly fine with my semi emotionally detached self. No amount of assurance can seem to shake me back, to affirm my self-worth. Call me silly but I'm just afraid. I used to ridicule people like that but now I think I understand why they behave the way they do.

Wounding and healing me with that very same voice. You're a hybrid, of an angel and a devil. I surrender.

Embrace what the future holds. Give up dwelling on the past. Accept with an open heart. Forgo grudges. Remind yourself to cherish. Step back in moments of anger. Savor every bit of simple bliss. Never forget why you're doing what you're doing. Think from different perspectives. Love with everything you've got.

I am fat

I don't know how I got this fat. Just weighed myself two days back. It isn't my peak but I want to be thin. Drowning in immense resentment. My thighs are fucking bulging, all thick and ugly. My arms are fucking flabby. My tummy isn't flat. Sometimes I just want to grab a knife and slice away those ugly things. I want to be happy and be satisfied with my body image but I don't think I would ever be. & I just do nothing, as usual. In fact I just bought a packet of Ruffles and am planning to gobble them up soon. What kind of fucked up person am I.

Feeling a little... Aimless. Without all the dance practices that I've been keeping myself busy with, I ran out of the most convenient excuse to shield other responsibilities away. I'm pretty bad at facing things. I'm an avoider, always have been, when it comes to certain responsibilities. Studies are supposed to be on the top of my priority list now, like, flashing red emergency state kind of priority. Just can't seem to gear myself into it just yet. Whining yet again but I know it'll just end up the same way as it always have been. But, just... Let me whine my share of woes away. That's the least I could do to rid of this sucky feeling a little.

Also, I have been behaving like a little bitch lately. Insecure, moody, sensitive, overreacting, cranky, you name it, I have it. Wish I could just switch off my emotions sometimes (idea obviously adapted from Vampire Diaries) just to shut all these negativities off.

Atop of all these worries, I am still fat. Fuck.