Scar

One of the worst nights I've ever experienced. It was too brutally honest. Words spoken in anger are those that are the truest.

I don't know if this scar will ever fade away.

Popping by because
#1) It's the first day of school
#2) Monday blues
#3) Feeling fucked up because of the above reasons
#4) Need somewhere to rant
#5) Haven't updated in a while

So my timetable as of now is really screwed up. I've always sucked at planning and I just hate what I'm going through now. Need to settle it ASAP or I'll just be so damn grumpy.

Just came back from a three week long getaway to Taiwan and Korea. It was a good trip. I didn't feel like returning. Not that I dislike Singapore but 3 weeks wasn't enough for me. I will try to upload photos on those soon.

Spent my last holiday weekend on MJ camp. I look forward to MJ camp every single year because I know it'll inspire me once again, and I'll grow and learn from it. This year was especially good for me because I learnt with a much more open mind and heart. Tried to absorb like a sponge. It feels really refreshing to feel different this year. #getoutoftheshybox

I hope to achieve more through dance this year. #leapoffaith

:)

2013'S BIGGEST REGRET

WHY DID I NOT GO FOR ZOUKOUT.

WHY.

WHY?!

Back from Batam trip that is sponsored by Estelli Pui Huannie Chiehling Mabz and Minipig, as my birthday present! Such a thoughtful bunch of friends, where to find :') Anyway it was a really short, but relaxing (to be specific it was more of lamnua) trip. Really enjoyed the nightly HTHTs, cheap thrills (70c donuts), and the seafood (!!! HIGHLIGHT).

Time to prepare for the upcoming 3 weeks to be spent in Korea and Taiwan! ^^ Can't wait! I'm really excited. The boyfie and I ended up trying our winter clothes in the room pretending it was cold HAHA.

I'm also very excited, but worried for hall dance. I don't know if it's bad luck or what, but Aizah Yanyan Shervon Ange, who were supposed to join us, no longer are. It's gonna be very hard but I hope everyone will just give their best.

Choreo-ed with Ahmeh for our segment. I'm more confident with choreographing now, and I think I actually enjoyed it! It's always fun choreographing with Ahmeh because we're both damn nonsense LOL. Boyfie said the piece was too hard for hall, but idk, I just hope it'll work. But he said that he was proud of me and praised the choreo, so I'm happy ^^

I've been thinking, do I really dance very kpop-ishly?! :( I don't know to think of it as a compliment or an insult... I just don't really like it when people say that to me. I mean, I've never really thought of that myself but I'm actually getting this sort of comments. Riana once told me it's a good thing because she it's very nice to watch but... I don't want to look kpop. I want to look... like whatever genre I'm doing. :\

Ah anyhoos... I feel like I can't dance sometimes. That I suck at it. Gah. Hate it. Want to be better.

Also, I'm sorry. I didn't think that I'm suffocating you with my expectations. I guess I was indirectly imposing them on you even if I didn't mean to. I'm just too emotional. I'd better keep it in mind. But it's true huh, things have changed. We have changed. I feel like such a failure.

Waddup it's my birthday

I used to be so happy every birthday. I'd treat it like it's the best day on earth, my favourite day of every year. But I think I've lost that thing for birthdays, since last year. It's just another day.

It's really touching though, to have friends and family giving me their best wishes. It really warms my heart. What good did I do to deserve all these nice people in my life. Yet, I do lose some. There are people I wish who'd talk to me, or give me their well wishes, but they decided not to this year. Sometimes I wanna keep everybody close, but I know now that it's not possible.

Speaking about cherishing, it's accomplishable, but perhaps not for me. I've realised it through these years. It's not easy, and I don't always say things these days. So I guess it's hard to let people know that they still have a special place in my heart. And also, how much can a heart contain?

I'm thankful though, for those who stuck through life with me.

My day has been great so far. Finally returned home last night after closing myself up in school to study for weeks. It feels liberating, that I'm finally free (temporarily). It feels great to be around my family.

Spent the evening with Psychos. It's awesome sharing this jubilation with them cos we struggled through exams tgth. A pity Yihua and Clement were sick though. I really appreciate them turning up even though they weren't in their best states. In fact I felt guilty as well. I hope they'll get well soon! Had the worst Mookata ever at MooJaa ( a big FUCK YOU for spoiling my perfect birthday dinner see you never ever) I've never tasted lousier tasting tomyum soup and the meat was of such B grade quality. But the night was eventually made better, in fact, perfect, by Paulaner's beer and the best red velvet cake I've ever had. Plus, the pretty night view by the river. That night view mildly reminded me of last year but that's that and I shouldn't go there.

Also, my dearest k44 Aizah and Ahmeh Candice took the time out to have a mini celebration with me in the room. I can't fully express my gratitude but I really feel so thankful to have them. They were stressed up and busy with exams but they still went ahead w getting me cupcakes. They're really the sweetest.

Also got to have Korean bbq with Aztec, since Joleen is back from Aussie. It's really fun hanging out with that nonsense bunch. They celebrated Bernard and my birthday, which I am really thankful for, considering the fact that I'm always MIA.

It feels incomplete that I don't have Lester by my side, since he still has one paper left tomorrow. I, too, feel guilty that I'm not with him to show him my support. But I hope he knows that I'm cheering him on, and that my welfare pack would keep him healthy and that he won't go hungry while studying.

I had a great day, and I ought to be satisfied.

Bye
X

Vanish

Have you ever felt like your existence does not really matter? Like if you silently walked away from everything, no one would notice. Even if they did, they would be okay with it.  Even if they were, they would be okay after a short while.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, but I picture my funeral every now and then. Who would be there, who wouldn't be. Will people whom I place close to my heart be shedding tears for me. Will people who hate me be there, yet gloat over my departure.

I'm sounding really suicidal, but I'm not. I'm trying to live with some sort of an end in mind.

I think exams make me overthink things.

Daymare

My worst day is over - for now. Tackled two papers today - clinical neuropsychology and working in 21st century. Okay fine, they tackled me. I don't know how I got through today but I just kept on crying. What a mature way to deal with stressors and emotions. I won't be surprised if I fail clinical neuropsych... I mean like what can I expect? I left the exam hall early because I simply gave up, it's too much of a waste of time. I kind of regret now. Maybe if I checked my answers thoroughly instead of shading random ovals on the OMR sheet... As the saying goes... "一 nightmare 还有 一 nightmare mare", my turmoil is far from over. Instead, this regret will keep clouding my thoughts until I see my results. Okay I made that quote up, but you get the gist. Also, didn't get to finish my working in 21st paper and am engulfed with frustration.

I wonder how much further can my GPA plunge.
Challenging limits, aye?

On a sidenote, I am itching to dance so damn badly.

D-1

So Korean paper is down, which leaves me with 4 papers.
- 2 back to back, content-intensive modules
- 2 completely untouched modules a week later
I need some sort of a miracle.

I'm kind of giving up.

On a random note, it was really cute of you to princess hug me to my bed, tuck me in, sing me the sweetest bedtime lullaby before kissing my forehead and saying good night. So blessed ^^

Philtre d'amour

Contradicting that the only thing that can make one so happy is also the one that kills.

Love an elixir
Love a poison

Pumping through my veins, running in my blood, lethal venomous antidote.

Intoxicated.

Dust

Today, I just don't feel quite like myself.

What happens when flames turns to dust? What do you expect from that pile of useless matter - a bloody phoenix? In reality you just sweep them all away under the carpet. Is that the destiny of a flame - to turn to dust? Is there anything out there that could last forever?

As the flame turns feeble sometimes it's best to just extinguish it. Perhaps then, at least some of it remains.

I've stooped so low. I'm as vulnerable as I can get. Why is it so hard for you to do that for me too?