Anger

I'm angry that I can't handle my emotions better. I'm angry that I'm incompetent. I'm angry that I'm dependent. I'm angry that I'm indecisive. I'm angry that I'm not creative enough. I'm angry that I can't help. I'm angry at fate, at luck, at those people who gave up on us, at stupid rules that made things this way. I'm angry that I can't get out of the past. I'm angry that I'm not a good enough friend, team mate, daughter, sister, lover. I'm angry that I'm a procrastinator. I'm angry that I'm weak. I'm angry that I'm vulnerable. I'm angry that I can't keep my life in check. I'm angry that I don't take care of my health and body enough. I'm angry that I'm angry, and that I vent it on people that I love. I'm angry that I'm destructive. I'm angry that I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm angry that I'm helpless. I'm angry over the things I've said. I'm angry at the words unspoken. I'm angry that people hide. I'm angry that people are too direct. I'm angry that there's no peace. I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that I'm not the positive person I used to be. I'm angry that I have to pretend.

I hate myself at this point of time to the core. It's going to last quite a while.

Bread.

Past relationships are like this - when a slice of bread with jam and another slice of bread with peanut butter is made into a sandwich, and when you decided to pry the two slices open - the bread is not longer a jam bread or a peanut butter bread, but one that is tainted. I wouldn't say that it's entirely true, but it's relatable, no?

I'm now a nutella bread that has met my other nutella half. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get reminded that before this, I've tainted other breads. Ugly, dark brown, tainted traces of nutella. The guilt swallows me whole. And I too, get reminded that however small they may be, I'm tainted with jam and peanut butter. & the taste of it is awful. I regret it.

And for even thinking about all this, I hate myself. Why dwell on peanut butters and jams when you are happy with the nutella you have? Let it go, they've been long enough. It's not like I'm not over those things. It's really not. But I just have moments where I hate myself for certain things that I've done wrong. I'd get really angry too, when I'm reminded that the other slice of nutella is in fact not purely made out of nutella either.

I guess it's hard to be a perfect sandwich.

Gosh I'm getting really random. Sorry, just being weird.

I feel like I'll never be able to make things right to some of those slices of peanut butter and jam breads and it'll always be a torn that pains me.

I used to think silence is horrible. I like to get things out of my chest, voice them out, get the problem solved. Then I learnt that getting it out doesn't always equate to resolving it. Now I realised that I have came to forget this. Oh silly me, how could I forget? What made me think it'd be different this time? Turns out they're the same. I'll learn to shut my self in once again. I'll shut up. The same thing that caused me so much hurt. But I'll just let it eat my up from inside out till I'm left with an empty shell. At least my heart will remain. Just that maybe, just maybe, it will no longer beat.

-

Do you ever

feel like you're really alone? Like, even with all the acquaintances, friends, family, lover you have, you're ultimately alone after all.

Scar

One of the worst nights I've ever experienced. It was too brutally honest. Words spoken in anger are those that are the truest.

I don't know if this scar will ever fade away.

Popping by because
#1) It's the first day of school
#2) Monday blues
#3) Feeling fucked up because of the above reasons
#4) Need somewhere to rant
#5) Haven't updated in a while

So my timetable as of now is really screwed up. I've always sucked at planning and I just hate what I'm going through now. Need to settle it ASAP or I'll just be so damn grumpy.

Just came back from a three week long getaway to Taiwan and Korea. It was a good trip. I didn't feel like returning. Not that I dislike Singapore but 3 weeks wasn't enough for me. I will try to upload photos on those soon.

Spent my last holiday weekend on MJ camp. I look forward to MJ camp every single year because I know it'll inspire me once again, and I'll grow and learn from it. This year was especially good for me because I learnt with a much more open mind and heart. Tried to absorb like a sponge. It feels really refreshing to feel different this year. #getoutoftheshybox

I hope to achieve more through dance this year. #leapoffaith

:)

2013'S BIGGEST REGRET

WHY DID I NOT GO FOR ZOUKOUT.

WHY.

WHY?!

Back from Batam trip that is sponsored by Estelli Pui Huannie Chiehling Mabz and Minipig, as my birthday present! Such a thoughtful bunch of friends, where to find :') Anyway it was a really short, but relaxing (to be specific it was more of lamnua) trip. Really enjoyed the nightly HTHTs, cheap thrills (70c donuts), and the seafood (!!! HIGHLIGHT).

Time to prepare for the upcoming 3 weeks to be spent in Korea and Taiwan! ^^ Can't wait! I'm really excited. The boyfie and I ended up trying our winter clothes in the room pretending it was cold HAHA.

I'm also very excited, but worried for hall dance. I don't know if it's bad luck or what, but Aizah Yanyan Shervon Ange, who were supposed to join us, no longer are. It's gonna be very hard but I hope everyone will just give their best.

Choreo-ed with Ahmeh for our segment. I'm more confident with choreographing now, and I think I actually enjoyed it! It's always fun choreographing with Ahmeh because we're both damn nonsense LOL. Boyfie said the piece was too hard for hall, but idk, I just hope it'll work. But he said that he was proud of me and praised the choreo, so I'm happy ^^

I've been thinking, do I really dance very kpop-ishly?! :( I don't know to think of it as a compliment or an insult... I just don't really like it when people say that to me. I mean, I've never really thought of that myself but I'm actually getting this sort of comments. Riana once told me it's a good thing because she it's very nice to watch but... I don't want to look kpop. I want to look... like whatever genre I'm doing. :\

Ah anyhoos... I feel like I can't dance sometimes. That I suck at it. Gah. Hate it. Want to be better.

Also, I'm sorry. I didn't think that I'm suffocating you with my expectations. I guess I was indirectly imposing them on you even if I didn't mean to. I'm just too emotional. I'd better keep it in mind. But it's true huh, things have changed. We have changed. I feel like such a failure.

Waddup it's my birthday

I used to be so happy every birthday. I'd treat it like it's the best day on earth, my favourite day of every year. But I think I've lost that thing for birthdays, since last year. It's just another day.

It's really touching though, to have friends and family giving me their best wishes. It really warms my heart. What good did I do to deserve all these nice people in my life. Yet, I do lose some. There are people I wish who'd talk to me, or give me their well wishes, but they decided not to this year. Sometimes I wanna keep everybody close, but I know now that it's not possible.

Speaking about cherishing, it's accomplishable, but perhaps not for me. I've realised it through these years. It's not easy, and I don't always say things these days. So I guess it's hard to let people know that they still have a special place in my heart. And also, how much can a heart contain?

I'm thankful though, for those who stuck through life with me.

My day has been great so far. Finally returned home last night after closing myself up in school to study for weeks. It feels liberating, that I'm finally free (temporarily). It feels great to be around my family.

Spent the evening with Psychos. It's awesome sharing this jubilation with them cos we struggled through exams tgth. A pity Yihua and Clement were sick though. I really appreciate them turning up even though they weren't in their best states. In fact I felt guilty as well. I hope they'll get well soon! Had the worst Mookata ever at MooJaa ( a big FUCK YOU for spoiling my perfect birthday dinner see you never ever) I've never tasted lousier tasting tomyum soup and the meat was of such B grade quality. But the night was eventually made better, in fact, perfect, by Paulaner's beer and the best red velvet cake I've ever had. Plus, the pretty night view by the river. That night view mildly reminded me of last year but that's that and I shouldn't go there.

Also, my dearest k44 Aizah and Ahmeh Candice took the time out to have a mini celebration with me in the room. I can't fully express my gratitude but I really feel so thankful to have them. They were stressed up and busy with exams but they still went ahead w getting me cupcakes. They're really the sweetest.

Also got to have Korean bbq with Aztec, since Joleen is back from Aussie. It's really fun hanging out with that nonsense bunch. They celebrated Bernard and my birthday, which I am really thankful for, considering the fact that I'm always MIA.

It feels incomplete that I don't have Lester by my side, since he still has one paper left tomorrow. I, too, feel guilty that I'm not with him to show him my support. But I hope he knows that I'm cheering him on, and that my welfare pack would keep him healthy and that he won't go hungry while studying.

I had a great day, and I ought to be satisfied.

Bye
X

Vanish

Have you ever felt like your existence does not really matter? Like if you silently walked away from everything, no one would notice. Even if they did, they would be okay with it.  Even if they were, they would be okay after a short while.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, but I picture my funeral every now and then. Who would be there, who wouldn't be. Will people whom I place close to my heart be shedding tears for me. Will people who hate me be there, yet gloat over my departure.

I'm sounding really suicidal, but I'm not. I'm trying to live with some sort of an end in mind.

I think exams make me overthink things.