First MJ class of the semester! So glad I went for it because the choreo was way better than what I expected. Well, we all know Pat's hard-hitting style and somewhat awkward steps that are so hard to execute. Today's was sleek and smooth, a joy to watch and to dance to.

Really humbled to get picked out by Pat for tonight's class. Honestly I did really normal -_- but I guess he wanted to give the "less-featured" people a little highlight. The first time I ever got selected was during my first junior class. Subsequently I'm just like... a flop all the time haha. I am secretly really afraid of doing groups during classes. I just find it super stressful. & I'm the sort who needs time to internalize movements and to feel comfortable with it. So I've always hated the part during classes where we have to take turns to execute the piece. I prefer standing in my little spot in a corner, just doing the dance however I want, dancing with everyone else.

But in any case, Pat commented that I really need to stop hiding at the back because he noticed that I always do, and he doesn't understand why I keep doing that since I can do the piece. & I guess... I'll try??? :\

In any case, it's ahbee's first class leading as a dance captain today. Very proud of him :) Could tell he was very nervous about it, but that means he's treating it very seriously. & that's good. I guess it's really stressful, to have the whole club to look up to and all that. But I know he'll do a really good job because he's awesome like that!

Really don't have much time with the boy this week, so I'm really cherishing whatever time I have with him.

Driving at 8am tomorrow. I must be nuts to have taken that slot.

Stepping out of my comfort zone, trying something new. Two years back I would have never thought I'd have the courage to do that. Thank you MJ, thank you Dancetitude. It feels like everything just strangely metamorphosised, & my heart of flame that's burning brighter, bigger. On to the next one, even if I'm gonna fail, even if I'm not "good enough". But because I am willing to try, it will be worth it. & doing it with the people I trust and love, nothing can beat that.

&... I am a really selfish, insecure person. I don't know what to do about it.

Heart

3rd vetting is over. My weekend was absolutely crazy, literally dancing my way through both days from 8am - 11pm. I know I'm not alone. It's so heartening to see everyone pushing so hard to make this concert awesome. I can't really feel my limbs now, my lower back is literally screaming at me to give it a break, my thighs are beyond sore, but I know at the end of the day it will be so worth it. Why we push, for our passion, for the love for dance that we all share, to create this beautiful piece of art.

I still remember the period where we first started counting down, 13 weeks. & it's just 12 days left now. Every single second counts. Looking at how all of us evolved - each item growing, taking shape, coming to live, the items turning into a real story, and how every single dancer grew - it's beyond amazing.

Really appreciate those moments where people came up to me and tell me how I improved, or how they liked which certain parts I did. It pushes me on. I know I can give more and I want to get better than this.

& honestly, I don't know if some of my (non-dancer) friends know what exactly this concert means to me. My entire life sort of revolves around it for the past couple months. I won't say I'm not disappointed for those who didn't even give a fuck about it when I approached them to ask if they want to watch it. Honestly, I'm rather angry (the least a friend could do is to reply my damn message). But I now know who cares and who don't, who matters and who don't.

Well, they're the ones who are missing out on a good show anyway.

Nowadays I no longer have anyone to tell things to.

This parasitic insecurity and inferiority that keeps clinging on to me whenever I feel a bit of happiness. I am this person now and it really sucks to be hurting all the time. & sometimes I just just wanna give up fighting and not fight at all. It's really hard fighting off all these insecurities because most days I just feel like a tiny speck of dust. It's such a battle. I want to tell myself that I'm better than that but each day it's just getting harder. I don't like any of this and my life would definitely be better off without all these. But like I said, it's parasitic. I want my happiness too. & I'm struggling to fight the vermin off. Yet today, I just feel like I can't do this.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I wish what you said was true.
But it's not.
& you don't feel that way.

I wanted to be better but it just seems like I'm deteriorating day after day.
Do you even understand?

I hate myself so much sometimes (yes, like an emo teenager.)

UGH.

Monster

Turning ugly, I'm mutating, logic fading, evil's prevailing.

Touched and pleasantly surprised the other day, that you actually fought for me. And happy, above all, that what I thought was trivial would actually matter to you too. It's really disappointing and rather surprising that we weren't naturally placed together (the weirdest thing is us being placed right next to each other but yet not with each other). I just thought that our chemistry would compliment whatever's gonna happen on stage.

& I cherish that one song that I get to dance WITH you, more than you know. It's not like it really matters or anything, but I just find that such opportunities are really precious. Okay I know it's really contradicting but I don't know how else to put this.

Just thankful to have you.

Going through lots of self-reflection these few days, reevaluating myself. It's kind of fluctuating actually. I just keep disappointing myself because I know I want to be a certain somewhere, but I'm not. Close, but not THERE. & it's extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Again, I begin questioning myself WHY am I even doing all these.

I'm surprised that anyone even bothered about how I felt, because honestly I think it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. I could've just kept it to myself, let it pass. Really appreciate the fact that anyone even cared to explain, because I know nobody owes me one. Decisions are decisions and they are made for a reason. & that fact that things have happened means something. Did the explanation change anything? Not really. Because well, like I said, decisions made were for a reason. I know the reason myself, very well. Also, it's not that I really think that I deserved it.

Really appreciating it though, people around me, sharing heartfelt thoughts with me and all that. It means a lot to me. & I'm humbled and thankful for that.

I want to be better.

Dusty

Some thoughts are meant to be swept into the corner of my heart. & that's what I will do. Just hoping that some day, some time, they'll accumulate enough and cobwebs would cover them all up, seal them tight. Even then, will I notice it? Will it be that aching source of pain? We all know that it'll still be there, right? But that's okay. Just let me be dusty, by myself.

S24

I'm really excited to catch s24 tomorrow, especially after watching NRA Legacy's prac (cos the boy is in legacy duh haha) just now. It's gonna be one hell of a crazy fight! & of course, I'm rooting for Major Crew!!! Totally know what they are capable of can't wait to see them bring it! MJ PRIDE FOREVER because it's where i belong, where i started, where i am. Also, so many other insane dancers in other crews, each gonna show the audience and judges what they've got. Just can't wait to see it all happen tmrw afternoon.

Fel was super cute and told me she felt like crying because "you're so supportive even you're not even taking part". I wont deny that I felt kinda "left out" or disappointed not being part of them. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. & supporting them morally is what I should do and what I can do for them. Even if I'm not physically in the competition I'm gonna scream the best I can tmrw to show support to all my friends! So proud of every single one of them.

& he prolly doesn't know how I struggle to even try to show him my support but I really dk how to put it out to him. I kinda just suck at it and all I can do is to give him nightly massages (sounds a little wrong but that's just what it is) to soothe his aching body and say jiayou push on and other sort of useless stuff. In any case, I'm really super proud of him!

Okay excited girl rambling too much. Good night! X