I have so much going on in my mind today. I have no idea what got over me.
Maybe watching Lion City Throwdown made me realize how much of a cooped up dancer I am, so incompetent of stepping out of my comfort zone.
Maybe SUAD vetting made me think of the one we had two years back, where I felt just happy dancing alongside my friends.
Maybe listening to "The Call" by Backstreet Boys made me think back on Flava days, which was so much of a struggle as a fresh dancer, yet so genuine and fun.
Truth is, nobody will stay forever. People come and go. & yet it took me 3 years to realize this. I wish those batch mates that I once spent so many good times with, once created great memories and milestones with, could still be fighting the same war with me. Yet, everyone has their own war to fight. & nobody is to blame - just cruel reality. Reality means decisions. Decisions means sacrifices. Forgoing this for that, losing bits and pieces from one to build up on something else.
That's what I am too, isn't it? I've drifted apart from my closest girlfriends, my family, my academics, all in the name of dance. Time and time again I ask "Why do I even do this? What do I do this for?". & it has been 3 years. 3 years, stuck in this cycle of questioning, but still going back to it time and time again. It's like a addiction you can't kick.
People make decisions, and have different priorities. & I've learnt to respect that. I'll love the ones who stay, and thank those who left for the difference they've made in my life. You can never turn back time, no one could. So many times I look around me and feel so lonely even though I'm surrounded by a studio filled with people. But I'm learning to cope with that.
Why do I stick around? Beats me too. Maybe because I don't belong anywhere else.
I got scared just thinking about how EVERY SINGLE decision you make you in your life leads you to where you are getting to next. & that's why I hate to make decisions. Because I know I am responsible for what comes after. I wish I made better choices. But mistakes make us grow.
I miss those days where I don't think so much - just dancing because I enjoy it, because I have my friends dancing with me.
& so what if you start somewhere new? You never know who's true to you. I've heard too many scary things. People like to talk shit. Some of which angers me so much. I'm no saint, but sometimes people judge too much.
The point is... I actually don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just feel sad that the only constant is change.
I wish everyone whom I cared about could stay.
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
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