Stagnated

Can't seem to sleep. Had a long day, starting off with choreoing for CP, to Koharu's class, to Osch recital prac. Very inspired but also at the same time feeling jaded - the irony of it.

I have came to the conclusion that I have stagnated. I think I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

Haven't been doing conditioning since the end of S24. Haven't been feeling the hunger to improve either. Just been dancing to dance. Does that make sense? I don't feel like pushing. Actually, I think I am such a person - lazy in all aspects.

The world is filled with fake ass bitches and shit and it can get really tiring. Some people are just annoying on first look lol I can't even explain it.

Feeing stressed out for school too. I haven't been doing anything.

Ahhhhh I need to breathe.

I feel so grossed out watching myself dance ugh

Support, Love, and a little bit of Pixiedust

I didn't want to join this year's battle - admittedly, I am really afraid of freestyling and I try my best to avoid it discreetly. Thoughts like "Give it a try" "What sort of dancer are you if you can't freestyle" do cross my mind, but more often than not I fall back into my comfort zone, because I like it there.

I was not Lester's first option when it came to choosing his battle partner either. He wanted to pair up with Chin. But Chin had already paired up with Candice. & I had a very strong feeling that he would never pick me as his partner. I hate to say this, but we don't work exactly well when it comes to dance. Yes we do have chemistry, and we support each other when they are separate things, but when it comes to working on a single thing we end up squabbling quite a bit just because we are so straightforward with our thoughts. & I know that I'll always be the weaker one when it comes to dance capabilities. It doesn't upset me that often because it is reality, but sometimes I think to myself - "When will I be worthy enough for him to view me as an equal". Maybe it's just me being sensitive or it's a one-sided thing. He encourages me, give me courage, and tells me I'm better than I think. But deep down inside I know that the differences exist. Some things you can just feel, instead of them being said.

Okay so the point of it is, he actually chose me, out of everyone else, to be his battle partner (although second to Chin but how to compare right). & he did mention "nobody else to partner with already also what", but I'm still thankful that he chose me. & if it wasn't him who pushed me, I don't think I would have battled this year. Because I was finding so many excuses to push freestyling away, psychoing myself into believing that there is nothing wrong with just being a "studio dancer" (btw, a mediocre one).

He told me that he couldn't join the battle halfway through because of other commitments. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. But he managed to shake that commitment off and we had to join again. I felt very conflicted and struggled with this piece of news. All he said was "Uncomfortable don't join lor. Scared don't try lor." Beneath that snide remark I know that all he wanted was to push me, as if saying "Don't be ridiculous and humji la just do it can".

He was so busy we didn't even have time to do tags. We did it on the battle day itself, and we took like 10 minutes to come up with it. It was fun being stupid together.

I know he was super nervous and excited about the battle itself. But when knew I was struggling with the whole anxiety and stress, he constantly constantly gave me support and carried me through the entire battle with his words of reassurance and hugs. To feel him believing in me meant the whole world to me, & I feel so thankful for him.

He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

3 years of battling (all 3 times without sessioning or practicing for freestyle - just go out there and throw face only), I no longer feel stagnant. This year I understand my body a little better, my movements. But I know I am still unable to translate my thoughts into solid movements. It was frustrating for me, but I could only blame it on my own laziness or refusal to try. I knew what I wanted to do, but when I went out on the battle ground my mind is a blank and I'm only moving barely on sheer will. I felt disappointed in myself.

But comparing my first two years to this year, at least I knew what I wanted. I had an intention, I had an aim. I know what I don't know, and I know what I can or cannot do. It's a tiny step forward, but it is a step. I realize now, the importance of sessioning, of building muscle memory, of nailing transitions and musicality. All these which I knew I could work on but did not.

Also, very proud of my comrades. Ahmeh, who did so well. Very proud of her improvements within these short few months. Having the will really makes a difference. Hazri, who braved it and yolo-ed in the end despite Yan not being able to make it. Yan, whom I know would have did so well if she were to be there, and I know she wanted to. I hope everything is going well for her. Chin, who showed me even Gods do have their fears. Unsurprisingly, he did well as usual. Steph Gloria Wenqi Ahlian Jianbin, batchies, etc, all stepping up and improving so much. Juniors, who were all so amazing and daring. So much to learn from them. Jinghan, who showed his support all the way from USA. I wish Ken and Fel could have battled. I miss seeing Fel at MJ and I know both of them would have killed it. I wish Aizah was here with us, fighting through this. Ahlian, Ahmeh, Steph, Jo, Zan, Kelmond, Ken, Qiaoyi, Hazri, Shaz, Lester, and some others who I might have missed out who all knew that I was nervous to a point I went speechless and went numb all over my body, and gave me strength through their supportive words. 

So much thoughts I don't even know what else to say. But I'm thankful for MJ, thankful for these angels in my life, thankful for this experience.

Dance is a gift that brings people together. I felt that yesterday once again. Because of dance I live. I love MJ!