Realizing that I'm not the only one facing the same issue is somewhat reassuring, though I really hope that nobody suffers the same thing as I am.

This more or less sums my day up -
"The final talk Ms Carol gave to the Modern Jazz class was so awakening: the different phases a dancer goes through that affects growth. The start>pure joy>learning>disappointment and resilience vs confidence and arrogance>picking things back up vs giving up. Always stay humble and remind yourself why you started dancing in the first place - find the connection between you and dance. But I do realize it's easier said than done. & maybe she failed to mention "jadedness".

I want to get out of this trench.

But for now, HP4103 and HP4102 to tackle.
Leggo.

Sit and cry

I spent about an hour or so bawling my eyes out to Lester about how alone I feel when I dance these days.
I don't fight for anything at all.
Just feel really lethargic, and yes, alone.

I've lost the drive and I really don't know what and who I can fight for anymore.

I don't even know when this sudden loneliness engulfed me but I think it just did.
I say I'm jaded but am I really, because if I were I would care less.

He said it's time I fight for myself, question myself what I want for myself.

But I don't even know.

What do I want?

Life and Losses

Why do people live only to die in the end?

Fat Grandma is diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer, terminal. 3 to 9 months left.

She's not even fat anymore. She lost a lot of weight and her skin is yellow - toxin build up. The doctors can't even cure her because her body wouldn't be able to take the treatment. I knew her memory was starting to fail her, I knew she started to have some very weird pet peeves she never had before her eye surgery, but I didn't expect her to get diagnosed with cancer, not after her diabetes was miraculously gone. There weren't even symptoms, it developed so suddenly and rapidly.

It pained me to see tubes poked right through her flesh, her whining to me that it's painful, saying "When can I go home?" "But I don't smoke and drink..." "But I drink plenty of water each day" "Don't cry for me I'm fine".

I ought to be home more often.

From that young dependent girl whom she doted on to that girl who barely returns home in a month - I don't know what I'll feel if she's gone.

I want her okay.