Just getting a little... weary.

Well deserving

So I got to talk to a couple of people tonight, and I felt thankful for being part of MJ. It isn't the best club to grow as a dancer in terms of techniques (just being truthful here), nor does every member share the some amount of passion as I do, but it's where I started after all. MJ is where I learn and grow, however little or much it is, MJ is where I met many precious people whom inspire me and given me so so much, MJ is where I develop more than just a dancer but also mature as an individual. I'm just thankful and lucky to be in MJ, as much as I disagree with certain systems, or yearn for change (which I have came to accept that it's just uni lifestyle and it would take a lot to change the current structure).

I just came to realise what people want is really simple - to be recognised for their efforts, however small it may be. & that assumptions can be a killer although I'm guilty of that pretty often. Just random yabbering!

Speaking of which, I've come to think of the past where I didn't have opportunities at all. I wasn't asked for a choreo project even though all my closest friends got asked and they hid it from me just so I won't be upset, I wasn't part of s24 as well even though my friends were and even juniors were. Looking back, I was never anyone's first choice. I was hardly anybody's choice. I simply am not good enough, and as sucky as it is I accepted that.

Now that I have an opportunity, I grabbed it, and leaped towards it. I know very well that I'm a spare tyre, but I gladly took it. When else will I get a chance like that? I get people telling me "why are you in this team?" and it stings from time to time, and it's okay although it stings because even I question myself. Thickskinned, or whatever you call it, I'm don't feel at all ready nor adequate for this, but I'm really tired of not being an option. So as hard as this may get, I'm gonna brainwash myself in whatever way I can, and just fight for it.

And, people don't see that it's hard. All they see is oh aly improved, oh aly is stepping up, but they don't see how long I've been mediocre, been average, been hating going for MJ classes because catching choreo and doing it in groups gives me nerves, and that now even I still am given certain opportunities I am still constantly plagued by inadequacy.

And no, you can continue telling me that you're proud of my improvement and what not but nothing will shake that feeling off.

I want to improve. I want to achieve more through MJ, fight for the same goal with my friends. But now even MJ is splitting apart. I don't know where I belong sometimes and I just feel so empty during thursday classes at times...

I don't understand why. Can someone tell me why.

I don't know when I will ever feel like I deserve this opportunity, or when I can feel half as good as they are. I realise that lately I don't even try anymore, because I just feel so unworthy/that trying wouldn't show any results. But there's only 5 weeks left, I have to make it count. I think I really got myself into some deep shit.

Whirlpool

Feeling really useless and lousy once again. I feel like I don't even belong, like I shouldn't be there. I want to give, but I have no idea how. Lacking in so many ways, and I'm just there to make up the numbers. But negativity aside, I'll just try my best.

Told the boy to pack dinner for me since he was out yesterday. Told him to surprise me and he got me the awesome chocolate cake from P.S Cafe that we both love. Love simple moments like this and I feel really blessed to have him.

Also, HOCC is over. I feel so much less like a ticking timebomb, less like an emotional freak. Hahahahaha. I have so many people to give thanks for, I'm just so thankful to everyone who played a part in this fulfilling journey of mine. Srethgie means so damn much to me!

How is recess week almost over when it just started? Hate school. Grr.