Dagger

His fingers wraps around the hilt, with a little more force with time. Sharpened knife edge, coated with poison, ready to strike. She points the gun straight at his heart, fingers feeble. His glowering eyes echoes unspoken words. Her knees goes weak. He mindlessly wields his dagger. In one swift motion, he stabs the dagger deep into her chest. He drops the dagger and runs. Wounded, she shoots herself to end all the pain.

Talk shit

So last night Lester made me do some personality test thingy, which may or may not be accurate, but I can say for sure I've changed. There are some things that I know that I would have responded way differently maybe a few years back. Not saying that it's bad or good... Just different.

In any case, just really don't understand why some people would go around telling things that are completely unnecessary about me, to random people who don't exactly concern my life. There are things people need not know, and there are things people need not tell. What's the intention of saying those things, really? Not that I'm angry or upset, just that I don't get the rationale behind it. Then again, I shall blame it on human nature.

In any case, there are some things people don't know about, just because they don't get to see the whole truth. & it's just stupid, in my honest opinion, to go around exaggerating things when they don't know the other side of the story. Trying not to be bothered but I'm just sensitive like that.

& how does it bother you, if it doesn't bother me, or the people involved? Honestly, just go worry about yourselves alright? Handle your own shit before poking your nose into others'.

Was already lying in bed preparing to sleep but I simply can't due to all the frustration that I have in my stomach.

Just hate how I disappoint myself sometimes. How I'm not able to achieve something although I know I can do better, and how I want to be better but I can't and I am actually sore about it. Things haven't been going my way the past few days ugh. It's a mixture of EVERYTHING. So much hate going on it's actually toxic.

HATEEEEEEEE.

The finishing line that keeps running away

So these few days I feel like I've been chasing something impossible. Chasing so hard. But as soon as I move forward a little, the finishing line shifts further away from me. It's tiring, and demoralizing. It's like how I know clearly that the goal is right in front of my eyes, and I used to think I have what it takes, yet I'm not getting there.

Just another day of incompetency and disappointment. Who's to blame? Wish I could be better, but wishing is for fools, for lazy blokes who aren't putting enough hard work.

Questioning myself if this is worth my time. I know how this ends. I know the answer to my question. Just that sometimes in the midst of chasing, your vision gets blurry, you get tired and forget what drove you to chase that finishing line in the first place, and all you feel like doing is take a long long rest and avoid everything else that's going on.

Where's my Prince Charming when I need him. :<
Speaking of which... Boy's away for reservist, which means staying in camp for a week. Well, I thought I was done with army boys and their crap hahahahahhaha. Ended up with this Lester Leong who signed on for 6 years................. What to do?! Zzz.

My Kitty Froggy :> The only one worldwide and he's mineeeee muahahaha.

Told him to buy me the hello kitty froggy toy from Macdonalds while I was in NZ (because Lester looks like a frog and hello kitty is cute so I really wanted the toy. Just the frog one!) but it was said to be sold out. To comfort me he said he would be my special edition Kitty Froggy haha. Still, I was super upset and when he knew that I REALLY wanted it he asked around and cabbed to get the kitty for me despite his busy schedule. :') So touched I cried HAHAHA.

My bed feels so empty without you. Can't wait to be back in your arms again xx

I'm only a girl

A Secret of Love
My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and complements. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: ""The woman is the reflection of her man""

Brad Pitt

I can never stand being taken for granted (which is one of the worst things one could experience btw), and would only expect to be treated the same way as how it was like from the start, if not better. That's the way it should be. I was a victim once, and I tried - in all sorts of ways you can think of - to tell myself that I am the source of the problem, that I am the one who needed to change. To get used to it, to be more independent, to care less, to understand faded passion, to understand faded love, to understand mistreatment as a change that has to be embrace as time goes by. But I now know it is wrong. Nobody should go through that. You have the rights to hold on to your own happiness, and NOBODY is allowed to trample that and make you feel like you're losing that grip. Love should empower you, reinforce, make you a better person, make EACH OTHER better. So when something feels wrong you should NEVER tell yourself to let it go, that things will get better in time, that habit will make things okay. That is unacceptable.

In any case, this is a tough, but things will work out. I used to grumble to (alright fine I'm not gonna lie, still do) about why he has to take up so many commitments when he obviously has no time for himself, not to mention his family and of course, me. I want to be selfish but who am I to be? Who am I to stop him from his passion? Ultimately I know he can succeed in all those, and those are the things that keeps him going in life, that gives him the satisfaction he needs. & so in the expense of my selfish wishes, and I got to let go. Honestly, I haven't been happy lately. I try to be, but I just don't. Every morning when I open my eyes, and every night before I sleep, I still feel so thankful to have him by my side. But there's just something sad about it. I wish he knew how important he is to me. & so overly used as it is, it just comes out as "I love you" because I have no other way to tell him how he's important to me. & I so annoyingly ask in return like a girl who can never confident of herself, who so desperately requires her reassurance, "Really? Do you really?" whenever he replies with "I love you too". To him, maybe I'm just naggy, insecure, needy, which I really am. But every single time I question him, it isn't that I don't know that he does, or that I think he doesn't. I just need to hear it for myself. Every time he gives me a hug or a kiss, or when his finger interlocks with mine, I feel just like how it used to be at the very beginning. Wait, no, it's much stronger. & it fears me. Because he will NEVER know how I really feel. Beneath all the hurtful things I've said to him, I am but a girl who just wants to be happy, together with the one I love. & too many a times I feel like I'm incapable of doing that.

Looking forward to Saturday. I thought that we could finally have a proper date on Friday since dance pracs were canceled - wanted to whip up a meal and spend some quality time together - but I knew I could never be too sure when it comes to his schedules. A movie at Jurong Point would have to suffice.  Sometimes I really wish I could be the super chill kinda girl who doesn't give a fuck. Like the "Oh okay, talk to your ex-girlfriend who I don't hate at all, that is totally fine!" "Sure, text all the girls in the world as long as you love me which I know you do!" "Nah, let's just not meet for a month 'cos that's cool with me!" kind of girl. That was the sort of girl I have always wanted to be. BUT HAHA WHO AM I KIDDING! OMG I can be so ridiculous sometimes.

A trip away from home

A good 10 days spent in South Islands of New Zealand, and those 10 days gave me a new perspective about life. Every trip to somewhere is always a learning experience. New Zealand and stress doesn't go well together. It's super laidback, everyone's just doing their own thing, super friendly. It's a bit of a culture shock. All the basic daily interactions between people there are so rare in Singapore. It's just sad that Singapore doesn't own that culture - of politeness, graciousness, conscientiousness, and many other values that seem so innate to the New Zealanders.

I didn't just get to see magnificent landscapes, but step on their very land. & it reminds me of how beautiful the world can be. I didn't get to fulfill everything that I wanted to do - paragliding, ziplining, hot air balloon rides, skydiving, visiting vineyards and farms - well it's a family trip afterall and I can't possible request my grandma to do those things with me. It was more of a roadtrip and sightseeing trip. I'm contented, but I'd definitely visit NZ again to do all those things that I couldn't do this time round.

It wasn't a comfortable trip. Staying on a campervan with 6 other people was just difficult. We had to make use of every pocket of space that was available on the vehicle. AND GOD, SHOWERING IS SUCH A PAIN. Such a hassle it was, at near 0degrees, and struggling with water that is either too cold/hot.

Dad was talking about immigrating to NZ. I thought wow, that would be really nice. But at the end of the day, my home is still in Singapore. I remember the excitement when the plane's descending, when I saw the coastline of the island, and when the captain said "Welcome home", I just felt proud that I belonged here. Yes, my home isn't perfect. There so many imperfections, and things we grumble about from day to day, but ultimately it's still one of the best places to live in.

Overly attached girlfriend

That would be me.

I would have wished to go on a date with the boy before I left for New Zealand (10 days only lah) but due to time constraint, we didn't. I ended up spending the night helping him with his assignment, which is a major pain in the ass. Even now, before I leave hall for home to pack for the airport to take a plane that's NZ-bound (wow I sure am going places! Literally) I'm slogging off infront of my laptop typing his 2000 word essay, though not as efficiently as I would please.

So I woke up to have breakfast with him and ended up sobbing over my sandwich, which was completely uncool but okay.

To redeem myself here's a very cool video I made.

Or not.

Recognition

I have received the best form of recognition last night. Or compliment, should I say - because I don't fully agree with it just yet, and I don't think I ever will. While having my usual small pillow talk with the boy last night, he told me that "actually you dance very good already", "you improved since HOCC", "I watched you when you did that part", and it means the whole fucking world to me. Well, he is rather stingy when it comes to compliments, although he would say otherwise. Especially when it comes to dance, he is so darned anal about the details. He has NEVER said anything about my dancing since we've met. Unless when I ask him how I did, or when I have certain things that I don't do well enough and he'll point it out to me - "You can add in more accent", "more control", yadda yadda. & so I was shocked, in a pleasant way, when he actually praised me last night. So much so I'm actually dedicating a blog post to it hahahahhahaha as silly as it sounds. I chose to disagree with him this time though, for I honestly feel super stagnant. I hate it but I really feel that way. Still, I'm really appreciative.  There are other little moments whereby fellow dancers made me really happy too. I won't specifically mention who and what they said, but they honestly mean so much to me. I know very well that I'm not the best dancer around, but these are the things that keeps me going.

I really hope that Dancetitude won't be just another production. I really want MJ to show what's uniquely us. & I will do my best, work hard on my part. Then again, a production isn't just about an individual but many individuals combined. I just hope everyone else is on the same page.

Let's go MJ!