Grandma lost her battle to the cancer.

We saw it coming, but I never thought she would deteriorate that quickly. I make it a point to go home every week. From the day I went home and realized she was losing weight and had yellow skin, to the day where she got hospitalized, to the day where she laid in bed not being able to move much but only breathe, to the day she stopped breathing - everything went way too fast.

When I received the call that she was showing signs that she was going to leave soon, I could only blame myself for not devoting enough time for her and for the family. Guilt. Regrets.

I remember at the hospital, she told me to eat more bakkwa because she knows that I liked it. She held my hand so tight.

Back at home she told me she wanted me to get married some day, to a good man, and that she wished me and Lester all the best. She wanted me to succeed in my life.

On her last day on earth I fed her with ice cream, and she could still enjoy ice cream.

But yet, just a sleep after, she was gone.

Stopped breathing. How could a person who was just speaking to me, still opening her eyes, still talking to me, still enjoying her ice cream, be dead just after one sleep? How could she be possibly gone just because she stopped breathing?

I stared at her chest for movement, and I for a moment I thought "SHE IS BREATHING. SHE IS ALIVE.", but it was just the wind, blowing on the blanket that was covering her body. Her toes were turning purple and just she laid there, oddly still.

Thankfully though, she left the world without much pain, with a smile on her face, despite the illness.

7 days of mourning seems like what was needed for the family. I was just worried for my dad more than anyone else. My heart ached for this man, who has never shed a single tear, cried as he held onto his mother.

My dad is the strongest man I know, the most filial son who would do anything for his mother, and also a man that I respect the most. & I could only tell him that I am here, that he has us, but I know that nothing would help with the pain he was experiencing as he lost the one that he loved the most.

The other day I burst into tears in Lester's room and cried non-stop. Nothing could stop it. & I felt bad that Lester felt so helpless, but honestly his was comforting enough for me. I could never cry in front of my parents, I wouldn't want to make them worry when they need my support. I could only cry to Lester, and that is my only outlet. Also, my mom told me this happens when Grandma is near to visit. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. She hates being lonely and I wish she has the company of kind souls.

I am so thankful for Lester - he checks up on me, he makes it a point to come to the funeral when he's free. He drove me home knowing that I couldn't as we rushed back to see her one last time. He was there for me and gave me so much strength.

& also friends like Ahmeh, who kept texting me to ask if I'm okay, and even came down to the wake with Steph Gloria and Chin even though I didn't ask them to. I really appreciate their kind gestures and it's really more than I could ask for from anyone.

Shenghui too, whom so kindly offered to pay respects. It was really nice of him to ask and show concern for my family. & yet I didn't even know when his grandfather passed a year ago. Not many would go that far, and I'm thankful that he did.

Life has been a rough patch. But, I could only move on.