Nowadays I no longer have anyone to tell things to.

This parasitic insecurity and inferiority that keeps clinging on to me whenever I feel a bit of happiness. I am this person now and it really sucks to be hurting all the time. & sometimes I just just wanna give up fighting and not fight at all. It's really hard fighting off all these insecurities because most days I just feel like a tiny speck of dust. It's such a battle. I want to tell myself that I'm better than that but each day it's just getting harder. I don't like any of this and my life would definitely be better off without all these. But like I said, it's parasitic. I want my happiness too. & I'm struggling to fight the vermin off. Yet today, I just feel like I can't do this.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I wish what you said was true.
But it's not.
& you don't feel that way.

I wanted to be better but it just seems like I'm deteriorating day after day.
Do you even understand?

I hate myself so much sometimes (yes, like an emo teenager.)

UGH.

Monster

Turning ugly, I'm mutating, logic fading, evil's prevailing.

Touched and pleasantly surprised the other day, that you actually fought for me. And happy, above all, that what I thought was trivial would actually matter to you too. It's really disappointing and rather surprising that we weren't naturally placed together (the weirdest thing is us being placed right next to each other but yet not with each other). I just thought that our chemistry would compliment whatever's gonna happen on stage.

& I cherish that one song that I get to dance WITH you, more than you know. It's not like it really matters or anything, but I just find that such opportunities are really precious. Okay I know it's really contradicting but I don't know how else to put this.

Just thankful to have you.

Going through lots of self-reflection these few days, reevaluating myself. It's kind of fluctuating actually. I just keep disappointing myself because I know I want to be a certain somewhere, but I'm not. Close, but not THERE. & it's extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Again, I begin questioning myself WHY am I even doing all these.

I'm surprised that anyone even bothered about how I felt, because honestly I think it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. I could've just kept it to myself, let it pass. Really appreciate the fact that anyone even cared to explain, because I know nobody owes me one. Decisions are decisions and they are made for a reason. & that fact that things have happened means something. Did the explanation change anything? Not really. Because well, like I said, decisions made were for a reason. I know the reason myself, very well. Also, it's not that I really think that I deserved it.

Really appreciating it though, people around me, sharing heartfelt thoughts with me and all that. It means a lot to me. & I'm humbled and thankful for that.

I want to be better.

Dusty

Some thoughts are meant to be swept into the corner of my heart. & that's what I will do. Just hoping that some day, some time, they'll accumulate enough and cobwebs would cover them all up, seal them tight. Even then, will I notice it? Will it be that aching source of pain? We all know that it'll still be there, right? But that's okay. Just let me be dusty, by myself.

S24

I'm really excited to catch s24 tomorrow, especially after watching NRA Legacy's prac (cos the boy is in legacy duh haha) just now. It's gonna be one hell of a crazy fight! & of course, I'm rooting for Major Crew!!! Totally know what they are capable of can't wait to see them bring it! MJ PRIDE FOREVER because it's where i belong, where i started, where i am. Also, so many other insane dancers in other crews, each gonna show the audience and judges what they've got. Just can't wait to see it all happen tmrw afternoon.

Fel was super cute and told me she felt like crying because "you're so supportive even you're not even taking part". I wont deny that I felt kinda "left out" or disappointed not being part of them. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. & supporting them morally is what I should do and what I can do for them. Even if I'm not physically in the competition I'm gonna scream the best I can tmrw to show support to all my friends! So proud of every single one of them.

& he prolly doesn't know how I struggle to even try to show him my support but I really dk how to put it out to him. I kinda just suck at it and all I can do is to give him nightly massages (sounds a little wrong but that's just what it is) to soothe his aching body and say jiayou push on and other sort of useless stuff. In any case, I'm really super proud of him!

Okay excited girl rambling too much. Good night! X

MONOCHROMATIC

Patio conversations alone and/or with the lover over some fire and light, each stick an unhealthy dosage of solace. That 5 minutes of temporary zen that lifts weight off. But this will be my last pack. Not allowing myself to seek reliance on something that kills. I'm in control of my own decisions, even if the rest of the world is spinning mad.

Lover's dictionary

Can't believe how long I took to actually REALLY pick this book up and indulge in it. Been a long while since I've last read, and this light read was the perfect book to start with. Left it in a corner way too long. I was single the last time I tried to start this book. Single in the sense where I enjoyed singlehood to its very core - not having boundaries set by anyone, perfectly fine being alone, enjoying every moment of solitude, so much so that I feel weird. Not like the feelings mentioned weren't familiar to me, not like I couldn't relate, but I just didn't feel like flipping on. Now, 8 months into my current relationship, I find myself engrossed in every scene written, nodding to the things that struck my heart strings, frowning at parts I wish wouldn't happen to me, rereading certain parts that I loved over and over, savouring the connection I had with the book. I guess love is sort of like a dictionary, words adding on with time, pages of stories, limitless. & I have faith our dictionary would keep getting thicker, for a long looooong time. :)

xx

You would spend your life completely wasting your time

Feeling this familiar sense of absence. Weird, but it was more of a neutral emotion. Took a slow stroll back to hall after dinner and I love how calming it was, being alone.

But there has got to be more to life than this. More than wandering about.

Starting to take liking towards silence. Being quiet.

I'm just another average, am I not? Would I make a difference if I disappeared from the surface of earth? Replaceable. Disposable. Nobody really needs anybody if they don't need them. True?

While many others have something to fight for, I'm just... Wandering.

Wish I could light up another stick but it ran out. I should stop before it develops into a habit.