12 midnight

So it's about 12 midnight right now. Not too deep into the night, but late enough to get my feelings evoked. Went through an extremely exhausting night, rushing through an assignment, which I didn't quite understand what I was writing about. Handed in dodgy work, and I handed it in late at that. Not too proud of this either, but the previous two assignments were a total mess. Results for every single module this semester is simply screwed up. Can one even do so badly in university? I mean, even at my 3rd year, I never cease to appall myself.

Also, not just academics. Dance - it's just disappointing. My desire to win (or rather, to get a decent placing) may not have been the strongest among all the dancers in the competition, screw that, even in our crew. Yet, the desire was still there. It was. & not doing as well as we wanted crushed me. It feels like Impresario all over again. just less disappointing. Perhaps I'm just used to disappointing myself already. Sometimes I really think that "It can only get better from here" is COMPLETE BULLSHIT. How does that make any sense when all I am experiencing is utter crap, followed by more crap. It doesn't get better. Hey, this is real life. Stop saying that to me. Things might not get better. Things might get worse. You get fucked up. Everything gets fucked up, because that's just how things might go. It might not get better. Think you've reached the lowest point of your life? FUCK NO, reality proves you wrong. Fate messes with a fool like you because when you thought things can't get shittier, THEY FUCKING DO.

& so I should stop going around in circles, swimming in denial. 'cos I'm as shitty as I can get, in every single aspect.

Friends stopped asking me out, I find it difficult to confide into anyone at all, I struggle with what I want to do with my life every single day, my academics are a complete mess, I want to dance better but I can't prioritize that now, I throw tantrums at my boyfriend for every single thing that I'm too oversensitive about. Tonight I just don't feel much like a winner, or anyone who deserves anything at all. Tonight, I feel like a minute speck of worthless stardust roaming through the universe. Tonight, I don't see much light in life. & hopefully that's just tonight, and that when daylight comes I'll pull myself out of this abyss.

Also, I'm suddenly amazed by how people are just dots, going through the motion of life. These dots may travel together and form lines, or simply pass each other by, or they may meet for a brief moments then proceed onto their own paths. How many dots have gotten close, and how many have drifted away from me? Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only dot on the paper, with the other dots far far away from me. Would I have made a difference if I grabbed them close? Why did I let them pass me by? How would things be different if I didn't let go? But one can't be greedy. I can't possibly hold on to everything that I want. Simply because they don't belong to me.

Time to time I still question myself, and I count my mistakes as I drown in guilt. But I can only tell myself that what I did was right, at least for me, no matter how wrong it might have been.

If only everyone could be happy.

That aside, I read your first few facebook messages to me, and our awkward whatsapp conversations. They still make me smile non-stop. & then I look at you, just right next to me, and it makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl on earth. Your silly smile and how your eyes narrow into a funny line still gets me after all these while, just like how they did right from the start.

x