Been attempting to lead a healthier lifestyle by cutting down on sweetened drinks, fried foods, and by running more often. I'm still snacking quite a lot in between meals, and I'm not running quite enough (be it frequency, duration, or speed), but I would say at least it's a start.

It's summer break, but this didn't seem to lift my mood much. Been rather gloomy. My thoughts are fuzzy and I don't know where to start.

Flying off to New Zealand with the family next Tuesday. Looking forward to seeing countless beautiful sceneries (dad mentioned glaciers and I couldn't help squealing in excitement!!!) and the laidback lifestyle. Would need a prepaid card to prevent me from suffering the typical withdrawals an infomaniac would have, though.

10 days away from Singapore wouldn't be a problem. That being said, I would miss the boy like madness. We're kinda seeing each other nearly everyday, for lunch, breakfast, for dance pracs, and cuddling to sleep. I mean it's not like the dating paktor sorta seeing each other, but it's just spending time together, sort of a routine. 10 days without him would be so odd. My favourite bolster D: I wanna pack him in my luggage and bring him along. T-T;

Okay bye.

More afraid than I ever was but I don't deserve the reassurance. This vaguely rings a bell. The funniest thing is that it probably doesn't even plague you one bit while I'm drowning in my own worthless tears from where it seems like a thousand miles away from you. Toughen up.

plateau

i know miracles don't happen if you sit idle and do nothing but i haven't been exactly doing nothing. i feel like i've been stuck in this stage since forever. ive reached a plateau and have been walking on without knowing when the next rise would occur. maybe soon, maybe after a long while, maybe never. then again, to be fair, despite not doing nothing, i haven't been doing a whole lot either. guess i'm being me hoping things would be easy and go my way. snap snap stop dreaming time to grow up.

spent today with the family. they have been receiving little attention (and affection) from me, and i plead guilty. feels really great having meals over the same table, cracking stupid jokes, laughing at each other, watching my parents still being in love after decades. makes me all warm and fuzzy. also, the dad was so happy he told me i could buy whatever i wanted today, even if it's chanel or prada. there's no way i would do that, to spend his money on those things, even though they're reallyreallyreally pretty (every girl loves a chanel that's for sure). my point is, this old man is so happy and satisfied, just because we're all spending time together, to the point where he wouldn't mind spending his hard-earned money just so we could be happy too (albeit the material sense). but dad, i'm happy just spending time with you guys too. that being said, we did end up shopping in the end, not the branded sorts though. :p

dancetitude practices have started. i am beyond excited for the individual items to piece up together, for now. i hope it'll be a good show :) it's my first time taking part in a production, and also as a MJ member. i feel very proud whenever i think of that, to be part of MJ :> want to show the naysayers what we can do. honestly, we'll all in the local dance scene together, and it's such a small community, don't get why dimwits like to talk shit. i think one thing about MJ is, we're all really loving and people genuinely help each other out in the club. i would say we're quite peace-loving too. so i really don't understand why people would want to pick on us for nothing. well, there are always black sheeps among the whole bunch, so... just wish there could be more love, support, and maybe positive criticism, in the dance scene, instead of politics, gossips, and groundless shit-talking.

okay that kinda just spoiled my pre-sleeping mood. shall calm down. bye.

x

Getting past

I've lost control of myself. No idea what came over me (well actually I do but still...)

It was... a turmoil. Came clean, and I would believe it's the right thing to do. Ashamed, for I am much worst than you think I am, and this whole time I've just been trying to keep that from you. I'm fully exposing my vulnerabilities, things that I'm not proud of, to you. I am apologetic, for letting you know late. I have my fair share of regrets and I want to stop creating them. It stops here.

That pain, I know it very well. It's like some one's grabbed hold of your heart, wrenching it so tight it hurts. It's like somebody choking you, and you feel so helpless when you can't breathe. & you can't stop it. So many things that I am dying to know, yet I'm better of not knowing. It's confusing, and painful for me, just because I can't get past those. You have that affect on me and I don't like it.

I care way too much for my own good and I'm more afraid than ever. But thank you, for whatever you said. They mean the whole world to me. & if it's only a dream, don't ever wake me up.

You have probably brought out the best, and the worst in me. & I feel uglier than I've ever felt. But I want to be a better lover, the best you've ever had and will ever have. We'll strive to be better persons, for each other and ourselves. We have each other now and that's what matters. I'm beyond thankful, to have you in my life. <3 p="">

只不過

想要你哄我
知道我難過 不開心 問我一聲 “還好嗎？ 要是能在你身邊陪你就好了”
知道我沒吃午飯 會擔心 貼心嘮叨
因為太過敏 對你發了脾氣 就打給我 讓我知道 沒事的 你還在乎

我只不過 想你了
會不會太過分 太自私 太幼稚 太依賴

討厭這樣的我
沒骨氣 軟弱 令人厭惡 的我

要提醒自己 珍惜 知足 信任
可是辦不到 好難 好無奈

懷疑 我到底有什麽資格被愛

I hate you.

I really do. & as much as I tell myself that it doesn't at all matter shit, I still do.

Hopefulness only brings about greater sufferings

You can only stay naive for that short a  while before realizing that there's a whole dark, dirty, murky side to this whole thing that deviates from it's pretty, shining, glamorous exterior that's all but a facade. Never ever get your hopes high up because it only slams you back onto the ground when it turns into disappointment and you end up crushed. Naivety used to be cute but no, now you gotta know how to guard yourself so you won't shatter into shards.

I think I have certain trust issues/obsession over unnecessary trivialities and it's taking a toll on me.

Oh please

Firstly okay I'll admit it is absolutely childish of me to even rant about this but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway because well yes it annoyed the hell out of me.

Before you go talking shit, please look back at your own actions. Honestly I don't deny that whatever you said is true, because well they're sort of the truth. It only got on my nerves because you are way worse? I mean... ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?

& sorry I'm not gonna stop 'cos I'm actually don't find it much of a problem. I kinda know my limits so you can either 1) shut up 2) practice what you preach, bitch.

Also, on a completely regarded note, I feel completely............... Stupid. Won't let it happen to me again.

Paradox of Progress

The paradox of progress can be explained as the fact that there are great advancements in technology, medicine and communication etc over the past century but this has created more problems for people to deal with, instead of making life easier. higher economy and consumerism leads to more stress as people work more and society falls behind. As we move forward as a society we create more problems. this is the paradox.

So were people really happier, in the past? Where things were different? When they had less options? A place and time where there are less opportunity costs? Where one choice won't lead to the "sacrifice" of the many other options? Is it really better there? Why do people progress just to create more problems to solve? & when we solve them why do we not really remove the roots of the problems?

Just reading about this itself makes me feel extremely frustrated about life. Because people are just so damn fucking contradicting, insatiable, twisted, weird creatures. We always want things to be better but are never satisfied. "The grass is greener on the other side" just shows how fucked up people are isn't it.

I think I found it - the change in my personality, the reason why I'm getting less optimistic. My major. I didn't realize it myself but the textbook said it - psychology focuses a lot on the negative aspects of life. & it is so true. All we see are problems in people. Problems of so many kinds, and problems that keeps sprouting out, non-stop. They just keep adding on problems and diagnoses into the DSM. Who knows, maybe I'm ill too. After all being "abnormal" is just a point on the continuum, between two extreme ends on normality and abnormality. Honestly, all these are pretty interesting. I just hate it whenever it turns into a curriculum, a module where things have to be tested. I understand when I read and when you tell me about it I can go "Oh that's what it is, I know" but whenever the paper's infront of me I just can't do it. Because I don't actually really make the effort to memorize it. You can say I never ever internalized those information, because I don't.

God knows what I'm rambling on about. I'm just depressed after a long day, after taking two consecutive papers in a day. Screwed both of them up by the way. Just when I thought Korean level 2 could be my saving grace. Guess not.

Not like the remaining two modules are gonna help me. Think they're just gonna drag me further down into hell. & my brain's already telling me to give up already.

I think heart is getting murky. I'm harboring hate, dislikes, frustration, and all the blackish shit - I think cigarettes are healthier than all those negative thoughts.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Okay not feeling any better.

Just gonna have the night to myself. Just one night. No alarms. Then I'll attempt to continue my futile fight against all the shit that's hurled onto my face. Yup.

Bye shitty world. & it's true. Sometimes I just want the world to end. Give me a day. To cleanse my thoughts and attempt to restore my faith in humanity.