I'm only a girl

A Secret of Love
My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and complements. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: ""The woman is the reflection of her man""

Brad Pitt

I can never stand being taken for granted (which is one of the worst things one could experience btw), and would only expect to be treated the same way as how it was like from the start, if not better. That's the way it should be. I was a victim once, and I tried - in all sorts of ways you can think of - to tell myself that I am the source of the problem, that I am the one who needed to change. To get used to it, to be more independent, to care less, to understand faded passion, to understand faded love, to understand mistreatment as a change that has to be embrace as time goes by. But I now know it is wrong. Nobody should go through that. You have the rights to hold on to your own happiness, and NOBODY is allowed to trample that and make you feel like you're losing that grip. Love should empower you, reinforce, make you a better person, make EACH OTHER better. So when something feels wrong you should NEVER tell yourself to let it go, that things will get better in time, that habit will make things okay. That is unacceptable.

In any case, this is a tough, but things will work out. I used to grumble to (alright fine I'm not gonna lie, still do) about why he has to take up so many commitments when he obviously has no time for himself, not to mention his family and of course, me. I want to be selfish but who am I to be? Who am I to stop him from his passion? Ultimately I know he can succeed in all those, and those are the things that keeps him going in life, that gives him the satisfaction he needs. & so in the expense of my selfish wishes, and I got to let go. Honestly, I haven't been happy lately. I try to be, but I just don't. Every morning when I open my eyes, and every night before I sleep, I still feel so thankful to have him by my side. But there's just something sad about it. I wish he knew how important he is to me. & so overly used as it is, it just comes out as "I love you" because I have no other way to tell him how he's important to me. & I so annoyingly ask in return like a girl who can never confident of herself, who so desperately requires her reassurance, "Really? Do you really?" whenever he replies with "I love you too". To him, maybe I'm just naggy, insecure, needy, which I really am. But every single time I question him, it isn't that I don't know that he does, or that I think he doesn't. I just need to hear it for myself. Every time he gives me a hug or a kiss, or when his finger interlocks with mine, I feel just like how it used to be at the very beginning. Wait, no, it's much stronger. & it fears me. Because he will NEVER know how I really feel. Beneath all the hurtful things I've said to him, I am but a girl who just wants to be happy, together with the one I love. & too many a times I feel like I'm incapable of doing that.

Looking forward to Saturday. I thought that we could finally have a proper date on Friday since dance pracs were canceled - wanted to whip up a meal and spend some quality time together - but I knew I could never be too sure when it comes to his schedules. A movie at Jurong Point would have to suffice.  Sometimes I really wish I could be the super chill kinda girl who doesn't give a fuck. Like the "Oh okay, talk to your ex-girlfriend who I don't hate at all, that is totally fine!" "Sure, text all the girls in the world as long as you love me which I know you do!" "Nah, let's just not meet for a month 'cos that's cool with me!" kind of girl. That was the sort of girl I have always wanted to be. BUT HAHA WHO AM I KIDDING! OMG I can be so ridiculous sometimes.