Internship

Just concluded the third week of internship. I feel like I've been in the company forever. It is kind of draggy. That aside, I would say that some aspects of my internship is indeed fun.

I know very clearly which parts of the job I like, and which I don't. I guess my favourite part would be to physically head down to schools and see overview programmes' implementations. Totally eye-opening, enriching, inspiring. Some moments, I get so motivated to become an educator, although I know it'll be insanely difficult. It's so important to make a difference, and I can see how every small action or word can impact a student. Seeing positive feedback and seeing happy faces makes me feel like we need more of these fun learning opportunities for children.

I also see the cracks that exist in our system, and the people who fall through those cracks. Someone needs to pull them up, mend the cracks, push them onto the right path. I do respect teachers who respect their profession, who respect their students and take pride in their jobs. I've seen many teachers teach for the sake of doing it, like there's no other choice for them. It's pretty disheartening. But I've also seen great teachers who have drive. & you could tell with one glance. I wish there are more great teachers out there. Good teachers make a huge impact, but bad teachers often don't realise how they can ruin a child's life.

I've also seen the disparity between neighbourhood schools and elite schools. It's so glaringly apparent it hurts. This week I got to visit one neighbourhood school, followed by an elite school, back to back. Both institutes aim to educate, but the teachers are so different, the students are so different. Everything is so different. & it made me feel sad that often, we can't escape the influence of affluence.

That, is the hard truth, staring right back at me.

It's ironic that I, who can find no drive in studying, am saying all these things. I guess to me, results don't mean the whole world. But I do know that some day, I want to make a difference to people's lives.

Speaking of results, I didn't fare too well this semester, as of many previous semesters. I just hope I can keep things this way. No intentions of pulling my class up - it's near impossible. I'll just the remaining 2 years of my uni life studying sufficiently, and developing more in other areas. Afterall, academics are not everything, no?

Alien Adventures

I had plenty of fun making this video! Wanderlust acting up though. I miss traveling, being carefree.

Viscosity

Lots of pent up emotions and so I went a lil bonkers today, crying to the boyf over all sorts of shit stuff that isn't even his fault.

Been feeling weird for 3 days already, I don't know how it happened. My trip to Oschool on Friday was fun, yet I went home with a lot of doubts. I wouldn't say that I don't know that my control is bad, but besides that... I don't DANCE. I'm too controlled by my fear and others' judgement. I'm too afraid of being sucky at something. Yeah performance, routines, those that I can go over and over, I'll be more confident. But I lack that one thing that makes a whole lot of difference - I'm afraid to be free. I'm afraid of how I'll look, I worry, I overthink, I don't know my identity. I've been struggling for a long time and now I'm just reminded of it again.

Then came SDD Finals. It was amazing to watch, and it was extremely inspiring (I really enjoyed Freezky Bots, Elders, Flair Origins, and 4 13 that night). Yet I get so aware of how big the stage in - not the physical size, but how much it really takes to be on that stage and own it. It takes YEARS, it takes hardwork, it takes basics, it takes character, it takes RESILIENCE. I mean just look at Flair Origins, they are the perfect example. & I feel so distant from that stage. Even further, now that I've tried for it, and failed.

Today, MJ got a rare opportunity to take Shaun Evaristo's private class. It was, what I feel, a very needed session of exploration for MJ, for me. Reminds me of the contemp classes and space awareness workshops I've taken in the past, just a whole lot more inspiring. It's amazing how he sees movement, and how he embodies that with such true devotion. I wonder how much time he spent in his LIFE to achieve what he became today. Such an artistic individual, and also a veryvery sincere mentor. I got really irked when some of the dancers started joking about his exercises I mean, really. Feeling stupid is okay, because we're uncomfortable. But ACTING stupid to overcome the awkwardness is so... Disrespectful. Some were even seniors. Ugh okay that aside. Explore, open up. Unlock your body, be aware of every muscle. It's easier said than done. It'll take so much time.

What is dance exactly? I'm getting confused and I keep asking myself the same question over and over.

I dance because I feel good dancing. But as my relationship with dance progressed, it became a commitment. And with every commitment, it takes greater effort. & now it's more than enjoyment. It's hard to get back to level 0 because things are just different now. When I move I no longer just move without overthinking. & that's my problem. I need to be free, like how I used to be. I want to be free. But it is a huge huge struggle for me.

I don't even know if all of these are worth it anymore. I want to be better but... I'm weak. I don't know if I have enough mental strength to push myself anymore. I'm a little weary.

I want a crew. I used to think FLaVa would dance together forever. I wanted it to. I want a crew, I do.

When you go deeper into something, you realise so many things you NEVER did. & things just get complicated. Just like relationships. (Shaun Evaristo mentioned in class today that dancing is a relationship. At that moment I was like WHOA am I a genius, I thought of the same thing as Shaun. Although he meant relationships with external elements like the floor and people around. But wow I thought of the exact same sentence as Shaun. Okay this makes no sense forget it.)

I'm excited for my internship that starts tomorrow, yet I'm dreading it. I mean, my finals just ended. I honestly did not have enough time for myself nor my friends and family. But I guess this is the reality that I have to wake up to. The first four weeks is gonna be INSANE, clashing with s24 practices. It'll be the first time I don't get to see Lester almost everyday (clingy girlfriend alert) but I'll really miss being around him.

Ah I'm just really, having major mood swings right now.

Fuck it FUCK EVERYTHING