Viscosity

Lots of pent up emotions and so I went a lil bonkers today, crying to the boyf over all sorts of shit stuff that isn't even his fault.

Been feeling weird for 3 days already, I don't know how it happened. My trip to Oschool on Friday was fun, yet I went home with a lot of doubts. I wouldn't say that I don't know that my control is bad, but besides that... I don't DANCE. I'm too controlled by my fear and others' judgement. I'm too afraid of being sucky at something. Yeah performance, routines, those that I can go over and over, I'll be more confident. But I lack that one thing that makes a whole lot of difference - I'm afraid to be free. I'm afraid of how I'll look, I worry, I overthink, I don't know my identity. I've been struggling for a long time and now I'm just reminded of it again.

Then came SDD Finals. It was amazing to watch, and it was extremely inspiring (I really enjoyed Freezky Bots, Elders, Flair Origins, and 4 13 that night). Yet I get so aware of how big the stage in - not the physical size, but how much it really takes to be on that stage and own it. It takes YEARS, it takes hardwork, it takes basics, it takes character, it takes RESILIENCE. I mean just look at Flair Origins, they are the perfect example. & I feel so distant from that stage. Even further, now that I've tried for it, and failed.

Today, MJ got a rare opportunity to take Shaun Evaristo's private class. It was, what I feel, a very needed session of exploration for MJ, for me. Reminds me of the contemp classes and space awareness workshops I've taken in the past, just a whole lot more inspiring. It's amazing how he sees movement, and how he embodies that with such true devotion. I wonder how much time he spent in his LIFE to achieve what he became today. Such an artistic individual, and also a veryvery sincere mentor. I got really irked when some of the dancers started joking about his exercises I mean, really. Feeling stupid is okay, because we're uncomfortable. But ACTING stupid to overcome the awkwardness is so... Disrespectful. Some were even seniors. Ugh okay that aside. Explore, open up. Unlock your body, be aware of every muscle. It's easier said than done. It'll take so much time.

What is dance exactly? I'm getting confused and I keep asking myself the same question over and over.

I dance because I feel good dancing. But as my relationship with dance progressed, it became a commitment. And with every commitment, it takes greater effort. & now it's more than enjoyment. It's hard to get back to level 0 because things are just different now. When I move I no longer just move without overthinking. & that's my problem. I need to be free, like how I used to be. I want to be free. But it is a huge huge struggle for me.

I don't even know if all of these are worth it anymore. I want to be better but... I'm weak. I don't know if I have enough mental strength to push myself anymore. I'm a little weary.

I want a crew. I used to think FLaVa would dance together forever. I wanted it to. I want a crew, I do.

When you go deeper into something, you realise so many things you NEVER did. & things just get complicated. Just like relationships. (Shaun Evaristo mentioned in class today that dancing is a relationship. At that moment I was like WHOA am I a genius, I thought of the same thing as Shaun. Although he meant relationships with external elements like the floor and people around. But wow I thought of the exact same sentence as Shaun. Okay this makes no sense forget it.)

I'm excited for my internship that starts tomorrow, yet I'm dreading it. I mean, my finals just ended. I honestly did not have enough time for myself nor my friends and family. But I guess this is the reality that I have to wake up to. The first four weeks is gonna be INSANE, clashing with s24 practices. It'll be the first time I don't get to see Lester almost everyday (clingy girlfriend alert) but I'll really miss being around him.

Ah I'm just really, having major mood swings right now.

Fuck it FUCK EVERYTHING