I don't really know what to do or know where I am anymore

"You keep thinking about others, but who would think for you? No one would." - A wise friend dropped this on me like a bomb, but this is the harsh reality. I don't know if I did the right thing.

I guess my emotions always get ahead of me. Maybe what I need a steel heart now but... I don't know where this is going to get me and I guess that's my weakness. I thought I was ready for the world, but maybe I'm not.

Walls

I wish I had my walls up. I wish I had them with me. So I wouldn't get hurt. All I wanted was some understanding. My heart ached so badly and I couldn't stop crying. I guess I am that detestable. They say the people you place closest to your heart are the ones who hurt you the most. Nothing truer than that. I wish I had my walls up. I wish I had them with me. So I wouldn't get hurt.

Trade off.

The best days

Spent my Saturday night to Sunday morning nursing the boyfriend who was going through a Pukefest, which made us miss the Beerfest. I cried so badly while taking care of him because I felt so much heartache from all the pain he was going through. He pushed me and I fell and I ran after him around his estate barefoot I cleared his puke I got bruised I made 2 trips around the neighbourhood to get him food and drinks I stayed up the entire night and fell asleep on the sofa. It was such a rough night and I could not stop blaming myself for what happened to him but I'm just glad he's alive and well. I made him promise me he'll never drink so much again. Intoxication is no joke.

I'm glad he woke up feeling better. We just spent the day lazing around together, showing appreciation, enjoying each other's presence. & that feeling was gold. I wouldn't want my life any other way.

Midday angst

SO IRRITATED!!! DAMN ELITIST AND SUCK UP MAXIMUM OMG CANNOT HANDLE. PLEASE?! STOP LAH OIE. DISGUSTING SHIT.

Been going through a crash in mood the past 2 days. I'm upset about everything and especially at myself. I hate where I am now. So much shit crashing on me. Everything's not going well. On the verge of tears every minute. Fuck.

Believe

With all my heart.

This club gave me so much, to mould me into who I am today. Without MJ, life would not be the same. I found so many great people through MJ, people that I know I can rely on for life. I've learnt so much thus far. True enough, there are moments I question why I hold on, when I actually feel very lonely at times - people leaving, people not sharing the same vision as I do, people not being grateful. But I did, because there are people who believe in the same thing as me, there are people who push me on when I feel like giving up, there are people who inspire me from time to time, and there are people who walk along with me. Candice, especially. She's been through everything with me through this whole journey. I'm getting a little emotional typing this post and tearing up like a wuss omg haha I didn't expect myself crying at all. Just, really, I'm so thankful for everything MJ has given me.

Last night, at the super 24 arena, I felt so much MJ pride bursting within me. Not just because of the placing, although that gave everything an extra boost - a confirmation of our efforts, an announcement to the world that MJ means something, that MJ can be awesome, that MJ is not just "safe", that MJ is stepping up our game. When Major Crew was announced defender of 2nd, and even when we were pushed down to 3rd place, I felt so much pride! Besides all these things, I saw everyone fighting, pushing, trying so hard to improve, to be their best. That alone meant so much.

& I'm thankful to have people who stuck through with me through this entire thing. People who believed that MJ could make it. I had my doubts too, I won't deny it. I was scared. But Shaz and Hazri had faith in me, faith in us. It feels super SHIOK (no better word) to know that people are on the same page as you, fighting TOGETHER. 

We have lost people along the way - I have lost so many comrades whom I thought would stick with me through everything, and they have their valid reasons to. It's disheartening at times, and I cry, sulk in the shower over it at times because I feel so much pity and heartache, as much as I pretend that it's okay. I wish they would come back to this big family and share that same fight one day. A family will always be a family.

I'm a little sad that Majestique didn't get into top 5, because I thought we might have stood a chance. That being said, I know Majestique made our mark in our own way yesterday. There are times I think "What if I chose Major Crew, what if insisted" - I am envious of their win, because I want to win too. My entire dance journey with MJ, I've never "won" anything. But heck, who says it's all about winning?! When I think of things like that I want to slap myself. Why did I dance - to enjoy it. Yes, I am hungry to improve, to strive, to win, but I have to see past all the placings and judging and see what I actually took away from the whole thing. I know I achieved something individually through Majestique. It did push me. Besides, this team is such a great team, I love how everyone is so awesome and fun! I love Majestique and I would do it with Majestique again if I could. :)

Just gotta strive harder, and improve, yet not overly stress myself out with expectations.

Can't wait to see MJ push ourselves further. I know we got this. I know I got this.

NTU MJ!!!!

xoxo

Wear and Tear

You know how you buy a new phone and swear to yourself you are never going to drop it, never going to get a scratch on it, never going to remove the protective cover. You do so for maybe a month, and then you forget how precious it used to be, how new it was, how you swore upon the whole universe that it'll be unlike any other previous phones. You get the first scratch, you drop it for the first time. & it hurt. Then you think to yourself, "Ah, it's okay. I'll take better care of it". Then it gets another scratch, drops on the ground for a couple of other times, and you think to yourself, "It's already scratched, anyway."

This applies to so many things.

Negligence.

The worst thing is when you don't realize that it is happening.

& then one day, that phone, once brand new, just stops functioning.