Screwed up all 3 mods so far but the biopsych paper today was the ultimate. Prof Doug successfully murdered me. Got butchered in the exam hall. YOU HAPPY NOW, HUH, DOUG?!  I felt like a complete idiot and covered my exam paper in shame whenever the prof walked pass because HOW CAN A YEAR 2 UNI STUDENT BE THIS CLUELESS. Felt so ridiculous doing the paper and kept picturing myself standing up in the middle of the paper, announcing "I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS ANYMORE YOU PEASANTS!!!" but nope of course that did not happen. Almost, but didn't. Was holding on to my last bit of sanity.

I am so exhausted and am hardly prepared for the paper tomorrow but it's my last day of exams (technically 3rd is but...) so I'm very excited now. Can't wait to have tzechar with the psychoz

*skips*

Doopdeedoooooo

i swear im going to flunk this paper because i dont know what kind of history this is, i mean like i study stuff like "he drank demon juice and that made him powerful" i mean like UHHHHH and the rest of the notes that i'm studying just consists of endless pictures of potteries and things like stones. apparently the stone is important but i have no idea why it is. and honestly i just feel like moving on from the past and look towards the future but this module won't let me. STOP DWELLING AND LIVING IN THE PAST oh gosh this history mod is killing me there is no meaning to this I'M DONE I HAD ENOUGH I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU HH0201

Panic Attack

It's tomorrow it's tomorrow it's tomorrow and I'm not ready not ready not ready. Locking myself in school for a full week (inclusive of weekends) sort of forced me to study, at least harder than I usually do (which actually means not studying at all). BUT I'M STILL UNPREPARED. Ah, who am I kidding?! A week's worth of preparation to counter 13 weeks of lagged school work? What a joke. AHHHHH OMGGGGGGG feel like throwing my plushies against walls and squishing them. AND I JUST KEEP THINKING OF FOOD EVERY SINGLE SECOND. It's like an obsessive compulsive disorder OMG I'm tested on OCD tomorrow and I can't remember the definition I WANNA DIE okay bye

1st

Thank you. For the late night chats and aimless strolls. For cracking my half-boiled eggs. For walking me to places. For buying me all sorts of my favourite food. For every "good morning" and "good night" texts. For promising me that you'll peel prawns for me even though you don't even eat prawns. For saying those things that meant so much to me. For being there for me. For being honest and true. For making me giggle when you behave so adorably kiddish sometimes. For making me feel so helplessly charmed whenever you're serious about something. For showing concern over all the small little things. For making me feel like I can actually start letting go of my insecurities (slowly) and accept my vulnerabilities. For making me feel certain for once. For making me feel this sort of bliss that I haven't felt in a while. For simply loving me.

xx

Rant

I just can't find a way to put it because I don't exactly want to, because it is rather ridiculous, and it makes me sound weak, but I 

decided to keep those thoughts to myself.

On a side note, I have been really happy. I have come to realise that I've only been going on about all the emonemo stuff here. Maybe I should start jotting down happy thoughts more often so I don't seem so psychologically imbalanced and depressed. I mean, honestly, have you seen me in real life?! I'm nowhere near suicidal or whatever (except these few weeks I mean like finals is driving me a wee bit wonky).

Haha contradicting myself again. Gah. Whatevz. Although I'm hardly ready for finals, I just can't wait for it to be over.

BLAH. Heading to bed.

Switch off

I have the tendency to fall back into routine, just because it's comfortable and safe. & there is nothing wrong with liking comfortable and safe, is there? My routine these days largely comprises of binge eating for comfort and self-declared narcolepsy (it's almost like a medical condition, seriously). It's like my bitch of a brain would auto-hibernate and switch over to Operation Denial whenever I tell myself to start studying. 

Lately I've been staring at the ceiling fan too much and for too long. Thinking about how so many things that used to matter no longer do, and how they were so temporary, regardless of how beautiful they used to be. I've been getting really nonchalant about certain things and absolutely oversensitive over some others. (What you said meant a whole lot to me.)

13 days to my first paper and I am stuck in an abyss of remorse and self-pity. I know myself too well and sometimes I hate how I just keep whining but not do anything about it. Here we go again. I'm gonna fuck it up so badly, yet another time.

Anyhooz, on a lighter note! Attended Evelyn's 21st birthday celebration tonight! Got to know her back in kindergarten (no kidding, totes adorbz way back thenzzzz), for 16 years now, and I know I'll keep this friendship of ours for life. ^^

With Ying baoberrr waiting for the Nicole Loke Binuan.

At this point, about 745pm, Evelyn was already half-drunk. *smh*

Love every minute spent with them.

& halfway through the day I've gotten myself a nasty eye infection. :< think it started cos I napped with my lenses on. It's not the first time I've done this ugh why can't I learn from my mistakes.

Swollen and looking real shitty. I actually look like a vampire that's turning and is about to feed. Reference material: Vampire Diaries.

AND NOT A SINGLE BIT OF STUDYING WAS DONE TODAY. *slow clap*

#YOLO #HOSEHBO

Tomorrow wah bei chiong chiong chiong and study real hard. JYEAHHHHH.

With much love, hunger pangs (even after eating so much at the party) (I blame everything on finals) (SHUT UP), & horrid red eyes.

xx

pointless

I have more insecurities than I'd ever show. I try pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. I care about the smallest things that don't seem to matter. I get affected by the lamest things. I worry about all the 'what if's too much. I hate it whenever I do because it's foolish. All these, they're all too familiar. Sometimes I beat myself over it, for allowing myself to be vulnerable, because I don't need to be. But I don't have a choice now, do I?

Two extremes

Pretty much sums me up, relationship-wise. & it's confounding. It doesn't quite make sense and I'm not sure if this is actually a good thing or...?

Realised I've hardly been updating about individual events, but just felt like bringing this up. Attended Kelly's wedding banquet a while ago. It's the first ever wedding dinner I've attended as a friend. All I've been for are those of my relatives'. It's a rather different experience for me. Makes me realise that we're actually starting to enter a different stage of life. I'm happy for Kelly, and I hope that she'll have a blissful marriage ^^

I love attending wedding dinners. Other than it being a convenient excuse to dress up, I really enjoy seeing people getting together, being happy. What makes two so special, so sure of each other, so much so that they want to spend the rest of their lives together? So much more goes behind what's shown. It's magical and something so precious.

Got to catch up with some secondary school friends as well!

OOTD. Finally gotten a chance to wear this skirt out (yes I'm aware the asymmetrical skirt trend is over  - that's why I'm wearing it), and love tops like these nowadays!

Acting chio LOL

Should try wearing centre-parting out some day when I feel confident of it hahahahaha

Fugly set of photos but I'm gonna upload it since the background is pretty

SPT is also officially over! Yay! :> First time leading a team since I've joined MJ. Quite a good opportunity I would say! & handling such a huge group (the rest had like 5 or 6 members) wasn't easy. I'm really thankful for having cooperative group mates, and what's better, they are all so efficient and experienced. Learnt a hell lot from them. Also got to choreograph an actual piece. I'm still not confident of choreographing, but it's a good start. Definitely sparked my interest, and I'm not that afraid of choreographing now. Now that SPT is over, this probably marks the end of dance commitments for this semester. As much as I enjoy dancing, it is indeed a huge burden off my chest. I need all the time I can have to focus on studies, considering how far I am lagging behind the rest of the cohort.

Srethgie steamboat on Friday! Seriously most of the time I'm just hanging out with Srethgie even on non-dance days.

Srethgie love ^^

Day out to town.

OOTD. I LOOOOVE the prints on the bustier! Also the coral bandage skirt which I randomly got from a school bazaar. Cheap and pretty ^^

Gotta love Taylor's new album. She speaks (in her case, sings) for every girl.

& my favourite caramel corn, from the favourite.

Feeling a lil................ Weird. Just feel like reading some books and lay on bed and do nothing at all. I think it's my pre-monday blues acting up again.

xx

Simple gestures

I honestly think that it's all the littlest things that count. A simple "How are you doing?", "Have you eaten your dinner" or a "You can do it" can mean so much. These things add up to something really huge, with a whole lot of meaning to them. I really appreciate those. Compliments also spur me to work harder, gives me some sort of motivation and affirmation. I think I really need to stop doubting myself all the time and tell myself that things can be done. That I can achieve them. That I will reach what I want to attain.

Ending the night on a chirpy note. Rare to come by these days.

On a side note, I can be rather slow to catch on signals sometimes, but I'm not that insensitive to not notice the change. I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated, when it's obviously just a simple thing. I just hate having to please everyone all the time already. Why? Seriously, why? It's such a bother, really, to have it on my mind all the time. Tell me I'm not overthinking things. (Just when I thought I was gonna end the night on a good note. Well it's still good but I guess we all have things to deal with.)

Oh well, happy halloween! (Sad me didn't get to dress up nor go treat or treating. BOOOOO.)