There she laid, completely still, under a silk blanket. The only movement came from the sheets, and for a moment I thought to myself "What if it's her that's moving?", but it didn't take me long to realise that it was just the wind. I could picture her, laying motionless, face pale, void of any sign of vitality. Funny how I usually found her annoying and too loud, and for me to hope that she would make any sort of a sound instead of just being there. Being there, but not here. Not here with us. Received a phone call at work just now from dad and was in denial until I reached home. Right until I saw everyone's faces. Right till I saw what a mess our home looked like. Till I saw Right until the moment I saw the corpse. Everything's in a mess. On another hand, I'm really glad her suffering is over, & that grandma no longer have to spend so much time taking care of her. I'm just really worried for grandma. Please stay strong. Now I'm stuck. Like I always am.

Rest in peace, third aunt.

Missing

Still slightly hungover even after recuperating for a day. Nursed a friend till daybreak. So lethargic after everything, napped and the next thing I knew, I woke up to a dark sky. One day gone just doing nothing. My cognitive processes were so slow I think half my usual speed. Damaging, then repairing, and the cycle continues. After everything I just don't feel like myself anymore. I've to stop myself. Stop. Aly, get a grip.

Aaaand... SUAD is finally over. So proud of MJ :) I love it when I'm with them, sharing the same stage, with that same burning passion. So proud, so of each and every single dancer. Thank you, MJ. Also, SUAD was  mind-blowing, even though I only got to watch snippets from the rehearsals and from the backstage. Props to the NUS Dance Blast! team. Awesome awesome job. Can't wait for our very own production. Excited and nervous about it already. Need to train up my stamina to match up. Love it when I'm involved in concerts like these. As tiring as it may get, it really bonds people together. & I love that. I like seeing everyone's happy faces ^^ that's all the matters.

//My heart is beating in a different way,
Been gone such a long time//

It's intensifying and I'm afraid I'll lose control one day. That, I can't allow to happen.

At the end of the day, it's always fruitful. It'll put a smile across my face. I know how hard it is but I still take it up because I know in the end I'll feel happy and satisfied, much more than anything else. Was feeling so cranky during the past few practices because I'm so fed up with how I can't study well (and honestly I just can't handle stress). Today was the last prac, and upon watching the video of our last rehearsal, I just felt like "Hey, THAT was what we've been working so hard for", and it is beyond awesome. I'm not the only one feeling stressed out, definitely. Those dancers out there are facing the same shit everyday, if not worse. Yet they keep fighting. & I ought to do the same. Fight.

& I really love my fellow dancers. So glad to have these angels in my life. Wouldn't want a life without them. ^^

Hovering between reality and illusion

xx
Aly

Simple Joys

I know it's quite trivial, but felt quite honoured to be picked out by Pat for today's senior class. Despite that, I didn't do as well as I could. Still, pretty contented. Among the rest who are picked out are my peers whom I feel are a couple of best dancers in my batch. Also, the seniors never fail to awe me. Crazy musicality, crazy control, crazy movements. Choreo project showcase was yet another eye-opening experience. Also, the new batch of freshies are an insane bunch. Crazily hardworking and passionate. You can just feel it in the air. The thing about dance is, every little thing can inspire you. It touches your very soul. So glad I'm part of this :)

Really need to step out of my comfort zone. My lack of confidence. MUST. IMPROVE.

Incoherent post 'cos I'm really drained after a long day (long week, in fact) but yeah.

A typical uni student has three things to balance. 1) Sleep 2) Studies 3) Social life. & it's said that one can only choose 2 out of the 3.
A uni student who is also a dancer has a fourth worry: 4) Dance
It is definitely taking a toll on me because I am not exactly good at balancing my work. Whilst trying to pull up my grades (I am definitely taking things much more seriously now), I don't wanna give up on dance either. It is really painful.

Dancing is also a burden, as much as I don't want to admit it. It has hard for it not to be, given the situation we're in. This is something that a lot of non-dancers won't ever understand. "Dance so much for what?" "Do you really have no time at all?" "Siao ah dance until so late" "Aiya don't take it so seriously lah". Those are things that I hear from my friends, and sometimes I think of those things myself. But really, I don't think I can ever give up on something this precious, this close to me. I really respect those who can balance between dancing and everything else. I wish I could.

Okay ramblez over.

Is it wrong to always long for a certain sort of freedom? I hover between clinging onto something real and that desire for freedom. & I go through the same sort of emotion every day, with the thought hanging around the back of my head, so much so that maybe it's already something that defines me by now. Would it be pathetic for me to feel sad for myself over such a thing? After all, it's just me being selfish. But...

Haven't had a happy post in such a long time. Should start thanking what I have and be appreciative again.

I've realised I really don't understand myself. What the fuck am I even doing? & sometimes doing nothing is worse than anything else.

Nonsensical rant at 2 in the morning cos I had too much for supper and am feeling fat and bad again. To think I kept saying I'd swear off supper.