Valentine's

Here's a short on on our Valentine's!

(Watch it in HD for best results)

I need time to sort through my thoughts.

Actually

I really like groovy, old school hip hop. Okay not really like the OLD OLD OLD school, but new school groovy maybe? & swag. I really do. & it's kinda sad I'm naturally assumed as more "girl's style" well I guess I really am but

I... really like doing hip hop leh. :(

Random thought. But no, I like girls' style. A LOT too. Just that I kinda like them both and people like to assume I only like doing girls' style hahahaha.

I am aware liking something doesn't equate to being better at it. So... I will try to be more Hiphop, and go for more Hiphop classes after exams!

Yo yo yo.

I haven't even showered because I'm too tired to drag my heavy ass to the bathroom. I'm so tired I'm on the verge of tears all the time omg it's like I'm suffering from permanent PMS can you imagine how bad that is. Seriously, I'm suffocating so badly, but just give me a moment to escape. 'Cos once I step out of the shower I know I have to sew my SDD costume, I know I have to study, and I know tomorrow will come when I finally sleep and force myself to wake up in the morning knowing that both my first paper AND SDD prelims would be on that very day.

Give me time to take all these in.

& really, the feedback for our routine weren't all that great. I don't want to pull the team down. Right now I really want it, I want us to enter finals. There, I said it. I'll be really sad if we don't.

ARGH OK. TIME TO MAN THE FUCK UP AND FACE REALITY, ONE THING AT A TIME.

CHIONG!

I honestly have no idea how I'm gonna stand on the stage coming Saturday because the just the thought of it is giving me the shivers. My entire mind is about the competition. Who am I kidding omg trying to balance exams and sdd at the same time there is only so much cognitive resources I have my mind is wandering so much.

Okay gonna force myself to focus. Coffee round 2 let's go.

Warmth

Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've been as of late. I spent the day studying, and had a long dance practice. The boyfriend popped by halfway with bags of delish food (although I told him to get them) smth waited for us to finish practice before eating with us. There and then I felt so so blessed. He always gives. Although he's tired from mentoring his own SDD group and school work he still made it a point to wait up for me. He looked at me and said he was proud of me, and it meant the whole world to me. Could only tear up like an idiot and hug him. I want to make him feel proud, I really do. & what followed was a night of pillow talk which lasted through 5am until we both unknowingly fell asleep. He can be such an asshole sometimes and may be unromantic in the sense he doesn't do fancy things, but in reality moments like those are all I need to feel loved. "Why are you so plagued with insecurities?", he said, "haven't I done enough to love you?". I have no idea but it's the first time I'm so so afraid to lose someone, even I know this irrational fear isn't helping us at all. I think it's because I really have no idea why he's okay with sticking to someone like me - whiny, frustratingly stupid, mega insecure, protective, stubborn, etc. & he means that much to me to make me lose my sanity hahaha. I'm just thankful for him sticking around though I can rly get way overboard sometimes. I'm truly blessed.

Not just love from Lester, but so many other people. Candice, Aizah, Yanyan, Fel, Jo, Steph, Gloria, telling me that I can and reassuring me all the time, Yoga who's always buying food for us and boys from Mady Jay, Ziang who pops by sometimes and gives us comments, all the boyfriends of Nemesisters, love from MJ in general, Clement Yihua for listening to me whine all the time while I have to skip project meetings sometimew, my parents for being so understanding, all these love of all sorts. I don't even think I deserve them but I'm lucky be given all these.

I'm feeling the nerves for SDD, which is less than a week away. The reality of it never sunk in until two days back. It's real. I would've pushed the thought of it away so simply then but now it feels so real, kind of overwhelming, like a sandstorm or a tsunami waiting to swallow me up. I can't believe I'll be standing on that stage that I could only think about, for I have always been too afraid to dream. But I'll be standing on it for real the coming Saturday. I don't feel completely ready, but I could feel how everyone was pushing during last night's prac. It's quite heartwarming, thinking about how we even came together, and how I was such a random addition to the crew. I cannot afford to hold back or be afraid anymore. I can't allow fear to eat me up. Oh my God, panic attack!!!!!!! Fuck.

ah ok calm down.

Also, saw on Yanyan's instagram - "good things don't come to people who wait, but to people who fight for it and never give up." I couldn't agree more. And that's just life. People have different starting points and life is never fair, but you just have to fight long enough and if you want it bad enough and give enough, it will come to you because you EARNED it.

Milestone

I procrastinated a bit before finally editing the footage of our 1st Anniversary date. I insisted on filming that day, although he felt weird about it, because I know it's something I would want to reminisce about some day. Here goes!

Weighing scale

If embarking on this journey meant  drifting apart from my loved ones, harming people around me, changing dynamics, I kinda wished I didn't start it at all. For now I'll just blame it on "I didn't know better."

In the end

In the end it'll just be me, alone. I am hiding in a fortress that is likely to collapse. & if anyone's getting hurt it will be me.

Someone rid this feeling off me.

Strange clouds

It was the last MJ class on Thursday & I felt really empty. Not because people are leaving, but because people are leaving and yet I don't feel much when I know I ought to. Looking at the juniors batches being so bonded just makes me feel a little jealous because I know I'll never have a close-knitted batch. I don't get the exact reason either, but it's just what it is. It has always been this way. Not like I didn't make any effort (e.g. creating batch whatsapp group) but it's doesn't take just one person. & to be honest, it's kinda too late.

I don't blame my batch mates or anyone. I mean, it's just like that. & I'm just upset that I don't have a bunch of people who really push together. By push, I don't mean to just appear for classes but to want something together. Look at the current juniors, they're all so hungry to improve and they fight to make it happen. I mean, true, there's always a flip side to the coin. You could have quarrels and form cliques and be overly competitive yada yada. But a dance club bonds through the passion to dance. & if that's absent I don't see where the bond would come from. I mean, my batch never quarreled or did anyone had issues with anyone, but we aren't close either.

:( just feeling rly sad because I'm not supposed to feel that way. In my ideal it isn't.

Floatingggg wob bee dee bop

So,

I had a lengthy conversation with my k44 girls a few nights back after catching JDC. It helped me understand a bit of why I'm feeling this sense of emptiness lately when it comes to MJ. The things we held on to, are eventually disappearing. & as much as we all want to, most of us don't have a choice. Knowing I'm not alone in this makes me feel that tiny bit better, but why is this even happening then? One thing I'm glad of, is that whatever happens, I have these girls with me. & like what ahmeh said, our friendship started off from dance, but it has grown so much beyond dance itself. :') I really don't know what is gonna happen in the near future in the course of our dance story, but we'll take one step at a time.

Watching JDC made me feel so freaking proud of Lester.


THIS. It may not be super clean, but look at what he created (together with Steph of course, who is equally awesome), this amazing masterpiece. I don't think I'll ever get there. & looking at how he first choreographed for Srethgie's baojingtian, to Abuse item, to Danzation Fantasy segment, to Srethgie Wujilai, to this JDC. He's already amazing from the start, but he kept growing. I guess it has been a good year for him, plenty of opportunities and plenty of breakthroughs. I feel so ultra proud of him. Not just how he thinks of choreography or visuals, but how he handles things. He is always grateful, always sincere, always passionate, always 100% committed, always humble, always striving, always calm. He's my number one inspiration + role model. :')

Also, it made me feel really jealous. Of the opportunities we never had as freshies. I think it would have made a huge difference. I keep asking myself why our batch isn't tight. & there are plenty of reasons, but I guess how we started was one of them. I'm always jealous of the juniors batches. I mean, even our senior batches. All of them are so close. I recall two years back when I first joined MJ, the graduating batch huddled together and some of them even cried. Next Thursday is the last MJ class for this academic year. I'm not even sure if the graduating batch would feel anything leaving the club, because I don't think MJ even matters much for the most of them. But yet you can't blame them. Most of them don't get the recognition, the encouragement, the right platform. & when I think about this, who am I to complain that I'm floating? I feel thankful for the chances I've ever gotten thus far.

& besides dance issues, idk why, but I've been struggling the past few days. A lot has been going through my mind. As a possessive girlfriend, I want him to myself. But yet I know he'll do an amazing job if he gets to handle MJ. All I need is some reassurance from him, but I never seemed to be the first choice when it comes to discussion of this very important issue.

Many things have been scarring my heart lately. Like yesterday and this morning. I just feel so disgusted with myself. Just freaking grow up and be more independent already. Stop getting hurt over the tiniest shit. I knew what I was walking into when I chose to start this, but yet I still ended up being vulnerable, which was what I was terribly afraid of. Should I put up the walls again? Do I have the strength to? & will the walls even do any good? I just hate where I am right now. I feel like I have to wear a mask. & every time you want me to unmask it, I eventually do, but yet you dislike the real me without my mask on. What do I do then? Put on the mask forever, and suffer the cracks beneath alone? Or unmask it and risk the consequences?

M A S K / U N M A S K