I had a lengthy conversation with my k44 girls a few nights back after catching JDC. It helped me understand a bit of why I'm feeling this sense of emptiness lately when it comes to MJ. The things we held on to, are eventually disappearing. & as much as we all want to, most of us don't have a choice. Knowing I'm not alone in this makes me feel that tiny bit better, but why is this even happening then? One thing I'm glad of, is that whatever happens, I have these girls with me. & like what ahmeh said, our friendship started off from dance, but it has grown so much beyond dance itself. :') I really don't know what is gonna happen in the near future in the course of our dance story, but we'll take one step at a time.
Watching JDC made me feel so freaking proud of Lester.
THIS. It may not be super clean, but look at what he created (together with Steph of course, who is equally awesome), this amazing masterpiece. I don't think I'll ever get there. & looking at how he first choreographed for Srethgie's baojingtian, to Abuse item, to Danzation Fantasy segment, to Srethgie Wujilai, to this JDC. He's already amazing from the start, but he kept growing. I guess it has been a good year for him, plenty of opportunities and plenty of breakthroughs. I feel so ultra proud of him. Not just how he thinks of choreography or visuals, but how he handles things. He is always grateful, always sincere, always passionate, always 100% committed, always humble, always striving, always calm. He's my number one inspiration + role model. :')
Also, it made me feel really jealous. Of the opportunities we never had as freshies. I think it would have made a huge difference. I keep asking myself why our batch isn't tight. & there are plenty of reasons, but I guess how we started was one of them. I'm always jealous of the juniors batches. I mean, even our senior batches. All of them are so close. I recall two years back when I first joined MJ, the graduating batch huddled together and some of them even cried. Next Thursday is the last MJ class for this academic year. I'm not even sure if the graduating batch would feel anything leaving the club, because I don't think MJ even matters much for the most of them. But yet you can't blame them. Most of them don't get the recognition, the encouragement, the right platform. & when I think about this, who am I to complain that I'm floating? I feel thankful for the chances I've ever gotten thus far.
& besides dance issues, idk why, but I've been struggling the past few days. A lot has been going through my mind. As a possessive girlfriend, I want him to myself. But yet I know he'll do an amazing job if he gets to handle MJ. All I need is some reassurance from him, but I never seemed to be the first choice when it comes to discussion of this very important issue.
Many things have been scarring my heart lately. Like yesterday and this morning. I just feel so disgusted with myself. Just freaking grow up and be more independent already. Stop getting hurt over the tiniest shit. I knew what I was walking into when I chose to start this, but yet I still ended up being vulnerable, which was what I was terribly afraid of. Should I put up the walls again? Do I have the strength to? & will the walls even do any good? I just hate where I am right now. I feel like I have to wear a mask. & every time you want me to unmask it, I eventually do, but yet you dislike the real me without my mask on. What do I do then? Put on the mask forever, and suffer the cracks beneath alone? Or unmask it and risk the consequences?
M A S K / U N M A S K
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