Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've been as of late. I spent the day studying, and had a long dance practice. The boyfriend popped by halfway with bags of delish food (although I told him to get them) smth waited for us to finish practice before eating with us. There and then I felt so so blessed. He always gives. Although he's tired from mentoring his own SDD group and school work he still made it a point to wait up for me. He looked at me and said he was proud of me, and it meant the whole world to me. Could only tear up like an idiot and hug him. I want to make him feel proud, I really do. & what followed was a night of pillow talk which lasted through 5am until we both unknowingly fell asleep. He can be such an asshole sometimes and may be unromantic in the sense he doesn't do fancy things, but in reality moments like those are all I need to feel loved. "Why are you so plagued with insecurities?", he said, "haven't I done enough to love you?". I have no idea but it's the first time I'm so so afraid to lose someone, even I know this irrational fear isn't helping us at all. I think it's because I really have no idea why he's okay with sticking to someone like me - whiny, frustratingly stupid, mega insecure, protective, stubborn, etc. & he means that much to me to make me lose my sanity hahaha. I'm just thankful for him sticking around though I can rly get way overboard sometimes. I'm truly blessed.
Not just love from Lester, but so many other people. Candice, Aizah, Yanyan, Fel, Jo, Steph, Gloria, telling me that I can and reassuring me all the time, Yoga who's always buying food for us and boys from Mady Jay, Ziang who pops by sometimes and gives us comments, all the boyfriends of Nemesisters, love from MJ in general, Clement Yihua for listening to me whine all the time while I have to skip project meetings sometimew, my parents for being so understanding, all these love of all sorts. I don't even think I deserve them but I'm lucky be given all these.
I'm feeling the nerves for SDD, which is less than a week away. The reality of it never sunk in until two days back. It's real. I would've pushed the thought of it away so simply then but now it feels so real, kind of overwhelming, like a sandstorm or a tsunami waiting to swallow me up. I can't believe I'll be standing on that stage that I could only think about, for I have always been too afraid to dream. But I'll be standing on it for real the coming Saturday. I don't feel completely ready, but I could feel how everyone was pushing during last night's prac. It's quite heartwarming, thinking about how we even came together, and how I was such a random addition to the crew. I cannot afford to hold back or be afraid anymore. I can't allow fear to eat me up. Oh my God, panic attack!!!!!!! Fuck.
ah ok calm down.
Also, saw on Yanyan's instagram - "good things don't come to people who wait, but to people who fight for it and never give up." I couldn't agree more. And that's just life. People have different starting points and life is never fair, but you just have to fight long enough and if you want it bad enough and give enough, it will come to you because you EARNED it.
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