It always happens. People take things for granted through time. & it doesn't matter if who the person is. It happens. It just does. & you've gotta learn to just suck it up. I can't say I'm not guilty of that either.

Don't harbor hopes. Don't give things expectations. That way it'll be easier accepting reality. That way you won't have to face a situation where the results weren't as good as you expected it to be. That way you won't be happy, but you won't experience sadness either.

If you want to receive happiness, you'll have to open your heart up. But when you do that, you put yourself in a vulnerable spot, and you can get hurt anytime. Your choice. It's a double-edged sword. & that's what's making me afraid.

I don't think it will ever go away.

I'm hideous. So very hideous.

Perpetually confused these days. The fear is not going away. It's intensifying. That ache in my heart is frightening me. It's something that could potentially damage. Really hate trying to reason with myself whenever I feel like I'm thinking irrationally. Then again, am I? I don't really think I'm the sort who gets bothered over nothing. But I just want to keep these things aside. Sweep it to the dusty corner of my heart, along with everything else.

First impressions are so important because your attitude and behavior towards a person is set according to your initial feelings. & things develop thereon. There's no way we can treat everyone we meet equally. & there's no way one would ever not judge others. I'm not trying to make a point I'm just having random thoughts because some people can be so different from what you initially thought they were, and it's rather alarming, how people are not how they seem to be. & people have different layers to them. I don't even know many of my very own layers (not talking about fats here ahem).

Just minutes ago I was thinking how different I am compared to who I think I am. Does that even make sense? I always think of myself as optimistic, outgoing, in need of many friends, freedom, etc, like a typical Sagittarius (used to be quite a horoscope believer). But I think I'm no longer who I think I am. I start to dwell over things. I do get over them pretty fast still, but I dwell much longer than I used to. I also get upset more easily these days, over stupid things. I'm only outgoing when I'm with certain people. I can't be bothered to be outgoing towards certain people. I'm becoming more withdrawn in a certain way. Maybe it's time to redetermine my self-evaluation.

Maybe it's because school just started I'm starting to think quite a lot again.

The dreaded new semester has begun yet again. How does it feel like I've been through this so many times when I'm only in year 2? It's gonna be another hell semester. I remember how I died in year 1 sem 2 - impresario, JDC, hall dance, atop of endless stashes of school work. It wasn't pleasant and I felt like I was just living through the days. Don't think it will be any easier this time around.

Don't feel like I'm having things easy lately. Bickering with my dad and being financially strapped is difficult. I need to start working again and save up. I've big plans ahead, made with a friend, which I really wish would come true. It's not gonna be easy but I think I really want to give it a try.

Really dislike being dependent. I want to have the ability to do what I want to do with my own might, my own competency.

Choreographing for hall dance, and I once again question my ability. Sometimes I wonder if I should even be doing this.

I constantly tell myself to cast fear aside but it's not that simple. & sometimes I doubt and think too much. Expectations don't tally with reality and I find myself really ridiculous.

Infidelity is something that I struggle to understand, because I don't get why people do it when they know it's wrong. How could you ever claim to love a person, and yet be involved with somebody else? I see it happening everywhere, around me, to my friends, and I see how ugly people are. Can we never be satisfied with what we have? It seems like it really is THAT easy for people to have a change of heart. Then again, is it a matter of self-discipline, or does it happen simply because it is something not within control? & why do these things happen repeatedly? I just hope none of these would happen to me and my friends anymore.

I spent an entire day feeling really upset about my physical appearance yesterday. I haven't felt that bad about myself for a while. I do get moments of low self-esteem, but at the most I just feel slightly dejected and move on after whining for a bit. BUT YESTERDAY, idk I was just so obsessed over it and I felt like crying. My acne problem is back to haunt me once again and I'm at my heaviest. My hair also suddenly decided to tangle like crazy every morning. I feel so hideous. & I feel so incompetent in everything I do. I just want these negativities to go away because hell, I am an optimist so why are these issues bugging me?

There are so many average people out there and I'm just another one of them, filling the numbers. What do I stand for?