A moment ago I was perfectly fine and happy. The next I felt like my whole world was gonna crumble. How the fuck am I supposed to churn out a 800 word essay in two days?! Especially with all the SPT pracs, in-class essay (which I'm so unprepared for) and project filming and all that in between? I just felt so mad and frustrated, like I'm spinning out of control. I feel like setting everything on fire. Went for a shower in hopes to cool myself down but SOMEONE TOOK MY FAVOURITE CUBICLE (I call it MY THINKING ROOM). WHOEVER YOU ARE, A BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU!!!!! No bitch takes my cubicle when I'm mad! >:( Ended up bawling my eyes out in the third cubicle (WHICH I HATE BTW). I need a cigarette so bad and I've never ever felt this way, EVER!!!!! I don't believe in relying in such stuff and I know it's unhealthy. It's so peculiar. UGH. Alternatively a hug would suffice. I think.

Save me right now

I look and stare so deep in your eyesI touch on you more and more every timeWhen you leave I'm begging you not to goCall your name two, three times in a row
Such a funny thing for me to try to explainHow I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame'Cause I know I don't understandJust how your love you're doing, no one else can
Got me looking so crazy right nowYour love's got me looking so crazy right nowGot me looking so crazy right nowYour touch got me looking so crazy right now
Got me hoping you'll page me right nowYour kiss got me hoping you'll save me right nowLooking so crazy in love's got me lookingGot me looking so crazy in love

Disarming, adj:

Some days my life is a series of bombs waiting to go off, and you manage to charm them into defusing.

I might just spontaneously combust. I just might. Haven't felt this bliss in a while. This rarity. For me, it really is. Slowly letting go of fear. Appreciating the simplest things. Make this last. Never let it fade away.
x

Hiding in between sheets listening to The XX. Completely distracted from the personality presentation slides that I'm supposed to do up. Not much time left and SPT item isn't even halfway done.

How are you doing?

xx

i want to be skinny, just like other girls. i want bones. i want to look good in anything i wear. i want my collarbones to be seen. i want that gap between my thighs when i place my feet together. i want thin arms that i won't feel conscious about whenever i wear sleeveless tops. i want my hipbones to protrude. i hate my fat cheeks. i want to wear a fitting dress and not feel fat. i want to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. i hate my tummy. i hate my muscular calves. i hate how my thighs are big from dancing. i hate how i whine about how fat i am but still binge and then feel absolutely horrid about it after. i hate how i only put in so little effort to exercise and expect myself to look thin. who am i even kidding. i hate how i'm breaking out again. it reminds me of how ugly i am and how ugly i used to feel. i hate how my skin can no longer turn fair and i'm just like, yellow. i hate how other girls have nice hair. and mine's just ugly and flat, with all the grey hair. i hate how i look so old. i hate my nose. i hate it that i'm so hairy. i hate my small boobs. i hate it that i have no cheekbones. i want smaller shoulders so that i can feel more feminine. i dislike my huge hips and my big butt. i want to look approachable and not be judged as fierce or unfriendly all the time. i hate feeling ugly and insecure and small and not being good enough.

Ready

& so

a new chapter

begins.

Different stars

I'm such a flawed person. Having another one of those moments now, doubting, low self-esteem. I always think I've done enough, till I actually look back. I would then realise "How could that have been enough?". I want to be better.

I've been bingeing lately. I do that when I'm stressed out, or just when I'm happy. I guess now its a mixture of both, which spells doom. Just yesterday, I had a super legit dimsum buffet (non-stop ordering and eating), followed by a serving of froyo, ramen for dinner, followed by pizzas, washed down with beer. Beer... Is just making me balloon like a crazy fat bitch. The weighing machine is just sitting there alone, a sad corner of my room. And I dare not step on it. Not anytime soon. I feel so horrendously ugly these days.

Weight gain and ugliness is definitely not the sole reason for my dejection. School work. I can't even begin. I thought I knew what I was doing this semester. I am wrong. Horribly wrong. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

& you. You occupy my mind. I have no brain storage space for anything else.

So i will hum alone, too far from you.
All that i say now is nothing to you.
We will lie under different stars,
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Sigh pie

I find myself sighing a lot lately. When I think of my HH0201 readings I haven't covered. When I think of the SPT choreo that's supposed to be done but I haven't even started on. When I think of how I'm such a mediocre dancer. When I think of how much I've been eating despite looking like a tub of oil. When I think of the number of birthday celebrations coming up that I want to attend but might not be able to. When I think of how Frolick is constantly bugging me to work when I don't have the time to. When I think of how exams are just a month away. When I think of what you said. When I think of what he said. When I think of what I think. When I think about how everything doesn't fit right and there are hollows between the cracks. When I think of how hopeless and vulnerable I am now. Bare, bare. My heart is bare.

sometimes i think i don't deserve happiness because of all the people i've hurt, even though i don't have the intention to. i just want everybody to be happy, without hurting anyone in the process. it's unattainable though. a childish wish.

in any case, it's insane how happy i can get it's almost unreal. and then the next moment i sink back into my whirlpool of negative thoughts. not too sane. plain ridiculous.