2013'S BIGGEST REGRET

WHY DID I NOT GO FOR ZOUKOUT.

WHY.

WHY?!

Back from Batam trip that is sponsored by Estelli Pui Huannie Chiehling Mabz and Minipig, as my birthday present! Such a thoughtful bunch of friends, where to find :') Anyway it was a really short, but relaxing (to be specific it was more of lamnua) trip. Really enjoyed the nightly HTHTs, cheap thrills (70c donuts), and the seafood (!!! HIGHLIGHT).

Time to prepare for the upcoming 3 weeks to be spent in Korea and Taiwan! ^^ Can't wait! I'm really excited. The boyfie and I ended up trying our winter clothes in the room pretending it was cold HAHA.

I'm also very excited, but worried for hall dance. I don't know if it's bad luck or what, but Aizah Yanyan Shervon Ange, who were supposed to join us, no longer are. It's gonna be very hard but I hope everyone will just give their best.

Choreo-ed with Ahmeh for our segment. I'm more confident with choreographing now, and I think I actually enjoyed it! It's always fun choreographing with Ahmeh because we're both damn nonsense LOL. Boyfie said the piece was too hard for hall, but idk, I just hope it'll work. But he said that he was proud of me and praised the choreo, so I'm happy ^^

I've been thinking, do I really dance very kpop-ishly?! :( I don't know to think of it as a compliment or an insult... I just don't really like it when people say that to me. I mean, I've never really thought of that myself but I'm actually getting this sort of comments. Riana once told me it's a good thing because she it's very nice to watch but... I don't want to look kpop. I want to look... like whatever genre I'm doing. :\

Ah anyhoos... I feel like I can't dance sometimes. That I suck at it. Gah. Hate it. Want to be better.

Also, I'm sorry. I didn't think that I'm suffocating you with my expectations. I guess I was indirectly imposing them on you even if I didn't mean to. I'm just too emotional. I'd better keep it in mind. But it's true huh, things have changed. We have changed. I feel like such a failure.

Waddup it's my birthday

I used to be so happy every birthday. I'd treat it like it's the best day on earth, my favourite day of every year. But I think I've lost that thing for birthdays, since last year. It's just another day.

It's really touching though, to have friends and family giving me their best wishes. It really warms my heart. What good did I do to deserve all these nice people in my life. Yet, I do lose some. There are people I wish who'd talk to me, or give me their well wishes, but they decided not to this year. Sometimes I wanna keep everybody close, but I know now that it's not possible.

Speaking about cherishing, it's accomplishable, but perhaps not for me. I've realised it through these years. It's not easy, and I don't always say things these days. So I guess it's hard to let people know that they still have a special place in my heart. And also, how much can a heart contain?

I'm thankful though, for those who stuck through life with me.

My day has been great so far. Finally returned home last night after closing myself up in school to study for weeks. It feels liberating, that I'm finally free (temporarily). It feels great to be around my family.

Spent the evening with Psychos. It's awesome sharing this jubilation with them cos we struggled through exams tgth. A pity Yihua and Clement were sick though. I really appreciate them turning up even though they weren't in their best states. In fact I felt guilty as well. I hope they'll get well soon! Had the worst Mookata ever at MooJaa ( a big FUCK YOU for spoiling my perfect birthday dinner see you never ever) I've never tasted lousier tasting tomyum soup and the meat was of such B grade quality. But the night was eventually made better, in fact, perfect, by Paulaner's beer and the best red velvet cake I've ever had. Plus, the pretty night view by the river. That night view mildly reminded me of last year but that's that and I shouldn't go there.

Also, my dearest k44 Aizah and Ahmeh Candice took the time out to have a mini celebration with me in the room. I can't fully express my gratitude but I really feel so thankful to have them. They were stressed up and busy with exams but they still went ahead w getting me cupcakes. They're really the sweetest.

Also got to have Korean bbq with Aztec, since Joleen is back from Aussie. It's really fun hanging out with that nonsense bunch. They celebrated Bernard and my birthday, which I am really thankful for, considering the fact that I'm always MIA.

It feels incomplete that I don't have Lester by my side, since he still has one paper left tomorrow. I, too, feel guilty that I'm not with him to show him my support. But I hope he knows that I'm cheering him on, and that my welfare pack would keep him healthy and that he won't go hungry while studying.

I had a great day, and I ought to be satisfied.

Bye
X

Vanish

Have you ever felt like your existence does not really matter? Like if you silently walked away from everything, no one would notice. Even if they did, they would be okay with it.  Even if they were, they would be okay after a short while.

I'm not sure if everyone does this, but I picture my funeral every now and then. Who would be there, who wouldn't be. Will people whom I place close to my heart be shedding tears for me. Will people who hate me be there, yet gloat over my departure.

I'm sounding really suicidal, but I'm not. I'm trying to live with some sort of an end in mind.

I think exams make me overthink things.

Daymare

My worst day is over - for now. Tackled two papers today - clinical neuropsychology and working in 21st century. Okay fine, they tackled me. I don't know how I got through today but I just kept on crying. What a mature way to deal with stressors and emotions. I won't be surprised if I fail clinical neuropsych... I mean like what can I expect? I left the exam hall early because I simply gave up, it's too much of a waste of time. I kind of regret now. Maybe if I checked my answers thoroughly instead of shading random ovals on the OMR sheet... As the saying goes... "一 nightmare 还有 一 nightmare mare", my turmoil is far from over. Instead, this regret will keep clouding my thoughts until I see my results. Okay I made that quote up, but you get the gist. Also, didn't get to finish my working in 21st paper and am engulfed with frustration.

I wonder how much further can my GPA plunge.
Challenging limits, aye?

On a sidenote, I am itching to dance so damn badly.

D-1

So Korean paper is down, which leaves me with 4 papers.
- 2 back to back, content-intensive modules
- 2 completely untouched modules a week later
I need some sort of a miracle.

I'm kind of giving up.

On a random note, it was really cute of you to princess hug me to my bed, tuck me in, sing me the sweetest bedtime lullaby before kissing my forehead and saying good night. So blessed ^^

Philtre d'amour

Contradicting that the only thing that can make one so happy is also the one that kills.

Love an elixir
Love a poison

Pumping through my veins, running in my blood, lethal venomous antidote.

Intoxicated.

Dust

Today, I just don't feel quite like myself.

What happens when flames turns to dust? What do you expect from that pile of useless matter - a bloody phoenix? In reality you just sweep them all away under the carpet. Is that the destiny of a flame - to turn to dust? Is there anything out there that could last forever?

As the flame turns feeble sometimes it's best to just extinguish it. Perhaps then, at least some of it remains.

I've stooped so low. I'm as vulnerable as I can get. Why is it so hard for you to do that for me too?

12 midnight

So it's about 12 midnight right now. Not too deep into the night, but late enough to get my feelings evoked. Went through an extremely exhausting night, rushing through an assignment, which I didn't quite understand what I was writing about. Handed in dodgy work, and I handed it in late at that. Not too proud of this either, but the previous two assignments were a total mess. Results for every single module this semester is simply screwed up. Can one even do so badly in university? I mean, even at my 3rd year, I never cease to appall myself.

Also, not just academics. Dance - it's just disappointing. My desire to win (or rather, to get a decent placing) may not have been the strongest among all the dancers in the competition, screw that, even in our crew. Yet, the desire was still there. It was. & not doing as well as we wanted crushed me. It feels like Impresario all over again. just less disappointing. Perhaps I'm just used to disappointing myself already. Sometimes I really think that "It can only get better from here" is COMPLETE BULLSHIT. How does that make any sense when all I am experiencing is utter crap, followed by more crap. It doesn't get better. Hey, this is real life. Stop saying that to me. Things might not get better. Things might get worse. You get fucked up. Everything gets fucked up, because that's just how things might go. It might not get better. Think you've reached the lowest point of your life? FUCK NO, reality proves you wrong. Fate messes with a fool like you because when you thought things can't get shittier, THEY FUCKING DO.

& so I should stop going around in circles, swimming in denial. 'cos I'm as shitty as I can get, in every single aspect.

Friends stopped asking me out, I find it difficult to confide into anyone at all, I struggle with what I want to do with my life every single day, my academics are a complete mess, I want to dance better but I can't prioritize that now, I throw tantrums at my boyfriend for every single thing that I'm too oversensitive about. Tonight I just don't feel much like a winner, or anyone who deserves anything at all. Tonight, I feel like a minute speck of worthless stardust roaming through the universe. Tonight, I don't see much light in life. & hopefully that's just tonight, and that when daylight comes I'll pull myself out of this abyss.

Also, I'm suddenly amazed by how people are just dots, going through the motion of life. These dots may travel together and form lines, or simply pass each other by, or they may meet for a brief moments then proceed onto their own paths. How many dots have gotten close, and how many have drifted away from me? Sometimes, I feel that I'm the only dot on the paper, with the other dots far far away from me. Would I have made a difference if I grabbed them close? Why did I let them pass me by? How would things be different if I didn't let go? But one can't be greedy. I can't possibly hold on to everything that I want. Simply because they don't belong to me.

Time to time I still question myself, and I count my mistakes as I drown in guilt. But I can only tell myself that what I did was right, at least for me, no matter how wrong it might have been.

If only everyone could be happy.

That aside, I read your first few facebook messages to me, and our awkward whatsapp conversations. They still make me smile non-stop. & then I look at you, just right next to me, and it makes me feel like I'm the luckiest girl on earth. Your silly smile and how your eyes narrow into a funny line still gets me after all these while, just like how they did right from the start.

x

What I realized

Caffeine and nicotine doesn't necessarily make things better. Well, it does. For about 5 minutes. & that's it. Reality strikes again.

How I've complaint about how screwed up my semesters were... Those weren't real. This semester - IS THE REAL SHIT. & I mean like, as real as it gets. I seriously have NO IDEA what the fuck I am doing.

God save me.

Also, about a week back, the boy and I hit our 365th day together. YAY! CONGRATULATIONS! Not bored of him yet. HAHAHA. Nah, just kidding. Love him to madness can't imagine life without him love him to the moon and back he's my life yadda yadda *insert every cheesy loveydovey phrase possible* But I mean like seriously. We're still a young couple but, I feel so so happy and blissful whenever I'm with him. I mean like we do piss each other off a lot too because I think we're both fucking straightforward people. But, most of the time I just feel so blessed and lucky to have him. Gah! *squishes him to death* (not really, duh).

x

I need to lose weight. Desperately.

Them ugly bitches should just fuck off already, okay?
_|_

Pain is when you know that the person who matters to you so much cares more about his own ego than how you feel.

I'll remember this pain and bring it along with me.

& then again, I asked myself, why did I entrust, why did I trust, why did I choose to rely?

Pushing through

It's ABCD in two days' time. Extremely nervous yet really excited. We've been struggling so much the past two weeks with our direction, getting really stressed out having Aizah injured, the few of us taking turns to fall sick. Blood, tears, sweat. Confusion, anger, doubt. But now we have a piece, a completed one, where everyone of us gave various inputs. Really proud of how far we've come :) So many times we wanted to give up but we made it through. We'll do our best for each other on Saturday, I'm sure. Thankful to have this crew. :)

On the other hand my academics are taking a turn for the worse... Yet the usual drifting here and there unsure of what I'm doing with my life. I want to get a grip but there's no time. & it's no excuse. There isn't. Or maybe because I'm hooked to The Master's Sun (Best korean drama EVURRRR)

Speaking of which... Forced the boy to catch the drama with me. Surprised by the lack of resistance. He even initiated watching the drama (which just proves how awesome it is). Love catching the drama with him because he'll comfort me when I start bawling like a baby. & his male lead impressions are just too cute hehe. Digressing but... so happy to have him. Every single day, I feel lucky to be so happy and loved. ^^

What's precious is what you did than what you got me. Your sweetness gets me all the time. Blessed to have you. x

Still feels surreal at this point, that we went for ABCD Battle. We must have been nuts. But I'm so glad we took this chance. We're not young anymore, no time should be wasted waiting. You've got to go get it if you want it. I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Getting through to the Finals would be great. Thank you, The Rogues, for doing this together. So thankful to have you girls. Through everything. Since MJ auditions, to MJ Chalet, to MJ camp, to Impre, JDC, SUAD, MJ dance battle, Dancetitude. Everything.  More than words.

& you, stop pretending. Fake bitch.

First MJ class of the semester! So glad I went for it because the choreo was way better than what I expected. Well, we all know Pat's hard-hitting style and somewhat awkward steps that are so hard to execute. Today's was sleek and smooth, a joy to watch and to dance to.

Really humbled to get picked out by Pat for tonight's class. Honestly I did really normal -_- but I guess he wanted to give the "less-featured" people a little highlight. The first time I ever got selected was during my first junior class. Subsequently I'm just like... a flop all the time haha. I am secretly really afraid of doing groups during classes. I just find it super stressful. & I'm the sort who needs time to internalize movements and to feel comfortable with it. So I've always hated the part during classes where we have to take turns to execute the piece. I prefer standing in my little spot in a corner, just doing the dance however I want, dancing with everyone else.

But in any case, Pat commented that I really need to stop hiding at the back because he noticed that I always do, and he doesn't understand why I keep doing that since I can do the piece. & I guess... I'll try??? :\

In any case, it's ahbee's first class leading as a dance captain today. Very proud of him :) Could tell he was very nervous about it, but that means he's treating it very seriously. & that's good. I guess it's really stressful, to have the whole club to look up to and all that. But I know he'll do a really good job because he's awesome like that!

Really don't have much time with the boy this week, so I'm really cherishing whatever time I have with him.

Driving at 8am tomorrow. I must be nuts to have taken that slot.

Stepping out of my comfort zone, trying something new. Two years back I would have never thought I'd have the courage to do that. Thank you MJ, thank you Dancetitude. It feels like everything just strangely metamorphosised, & my heart of flame that's burning brighter, bigger. On to the next one, even if I'm gonna fail, even if I'm not "good enough". But because I am willing to try, it will be worth it. & doing it with the people I trust and love, nothing can beat that.

&... I am a really selfish, insecure person. I don't know what to do about it.

Heart

3rd vetting is over. My weekend was absolutely crazy, literally dancing my way through both days from 8am - 11pm. I know I'm not alone. It's so heartening to see everyone pushing so hard to make this concert awesome. I can't really feel my limbs now, my lower back is literally screaming at me to give it a break, my thighs are beyond sore, but I know at the end of the day it will be so worth it. Why we push, for our passion, for the love for dance that we all share, to create this beautiful piece of art.

I still remember the period where we first started counting down, 13 weeks. & it's just 12 days left now. Every single second counts. Looking at how all of us evolved - each item growing, taking shape, coming to live, the items turning into a real story, and how every single dancer grew - it's beyond amazing.

Really appreciate those moments where people came up to me and tell me how I improved, or how they liked which certain parts I did. It pushes me on. I know I can give more and I want to get better than this.

& honestly, I don't know if some of my (non-dancer) friends know what exactly this concert means to me. My entire life sort of revolves around it for the past couple months. I won't say I'm not disappointed for those who didn't even give a fuck about it when I approached them to ask if they want to watch it. Honestly, I'm rather angry (the least a friend could do is to reply my damn message). But I now know who cares and who don't, who matters and who don't.

Well, they're the ones who are missing out on a good show anyway.

Nowadays I no longer have anyone to tell things to.

This parasitic insecurity and inferiority that keeps clinging on to me whenever I feel a bit of happiness. I am this person now and it really sucks to be hurting all the time. & sometimes I just just wanna give up fighting and not fight at all. It's really hard fighting off all these insecurities because most days I just feel like a tiny speck of dust. It's such a battle. I want to tell myself that I'm better than that but each day it's just getting harder. I don't like any of this and my life would definitely be better off without all these. But like I said, it's parasitic. I want my happiness too. & I'm struggling to fight the vermin off. Yet today, I just feel like I can't do this.

I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.

I wish what you said was true.
But it's not.
& you don't feel that way.

I wanted to be better but it just seems like I'm deteriorating day after day.
Do you even understand?

I hate myself so much sometimes (yes, like an emo teenager.)

UGH.

Monster

Turning ugly, I'm mutating, logic fading, evil's prevailing.

Touched and pleasantly surprised the other day, that you actually fought for me. And happy, above all, that what I thought was trivial would actually matter to you too. It's really disappointing and rather surprising that we weren't naturally placed together (the weirdest thing is us being placed right next to each other but yet not with each other). I just thought that our chemistry would compliment whatever's gonna happen on stage.

& I cherish that one song that I get to dance WITH you, more than you know. It's not like it really matters or anything, but I just find that such opportunities are really precious. Okay I know it's really contradicting but I don't know how else to put this.

Just thankful to have you.

Going through lots of self-reflection these few days, reevaluating myself. It's kind of fluctuating actually. I just keep disappointing myself because I know I want to be a certain somewhere, but I'm not. Close, but not THERE. & it's extremely frustrating and demoralizing. Again, I begin questioning myself WHY am I even doing all these.

I'm surprised that anyone even bothered about how I felt, because honestly I think it wouldn't have mattered to anybody. I could've just kept it to myself, let it pass. Really appreciate the fact that anyone even cared to explain, because I know nobody owes me one. Decisions are decisions and they are made for a reason. & that fact that things have happened means something. Did the explanation change anything? Not really. Because well, like I said, decisions made were for a reason. I know the reason myself, very well. Also, it's not that I really think that I deserved it.

Really appreciating it though, people around me, sharing heartfelt thoughts with me and all that. It means a lot to me. & I'm humbled and thankful for that.

I want to be better.

Dusty

Some thoughts are meant to be swept into the corner of my heart. & that's what I will do. Just hoping that some day, some time, they'll accumulate enough and cobwebs would cover them all up, seal them tight. Even then, will I notice it? Will it be that aching source of pain? We all know that it'll still be there, right? But that's okay. Just let me be dusty, by myself.

S24

I'm really excited to catch s24 tomorrow, especially after watching NRA Legacy's prac (cos the boy is in legacy duh haha) just now. It's gonna be one hell of a crazy fight! & of course, I'm rooting for Major Crew!!! Totally know what they are capable of can't wait to see them bring it! MJ PRIDE FOREVER because it's where i belong, where i started, where i am. Also, so many other insane dancers in other crews, each gonna show the audience and judges what they've got. Just can't wait to see it all happen tmrw afternoon.

Fel was super cute and told me she felt like crying because "you're so supportive even you're not even taking part". I wont deny that I felt kinda "left out" or disappointed not being part of them. But that doesn't mean I'm not happy for them. & supporting them morally is what I should do and what I can do for them. Even if I'm not physically in the competition I'm gonna scream the best I can tmrw to show support to all my friends! So proud of every single one of them.

& he prolly doesn't know how I struggle to even try to show him my support but I really dk how to put it out to him. I kinda just suck at it and all I can do is to give him nightly massages (sounds a little wrong but that's just what it is) to soothe his aching body and say jiayou push on and other sort of useless stuff. In any case, I'm really super proud of him!

Okay excited girl rambling too much. Good night! X

MONOCHROMATIC

Patio conversations alone and/or with the lover over some fire and light, each stick an unhealthy dosage of solace. That 5 minutes of temporary zen that lifts weight off. But this will be my last pack. Not allowing myself to seek reliance on something that kills. I'm in control of my own decisions, even if the rest of the world is spinning mad.

Lover's dictionary

Can't believe how long I took to actually REALLY pick this book up and indulge in it. Been a long while since I've last read, and this light read was the perfect book to start with. Left it in a corner way too long. I was single the last time I tried to start this book. Single in the sense where I enjoyed singlehood to its very core - not having boundaries set by anyone, perfectly fine being alone, enjoying every moment of solitude, so much so that I feel weird. Not like the feelings mentioned weren't familiar to me, not like I couldn't relate, but I just didn't feel like flipping on. Now, 8 months into my current relationship, I find myself engrossed in every scene written, nodding to the things that struck my heart strings, frowning at parts I wish wouldn't happen to me, rereading certain parts that I loved over and over, savouring the connection I had with the book. I guess love is sort of like a dictionary, words adding on with time, pages of stories, limitless. & I have faith our dictionary would keep getting thicker, for a long looooong time. :)

xx

You would spend your life completely wasting your time

Feeling this familiar sense of absence. Weird, but it was more of a neutral emotion. Took a slow stroll back to hall after dinner and I love how calming it was, being alone.

But there has got to be more to life than this. More than wandering about.

Starting to take liking towards silence. Being quiet.

I'm just another average, am I not? Would I make a difference if I disappeared from the surface of earth? Replaceable. Disposable. Nobody really needs anybody if they don't need them. True?

While many others have something to fight for, I'm just... Wandering.

Wish I could light up another stick but it ran out. I should stop before it develops into a habit.

Dagger

His fingers wraps around the hilt, with a little more force with time. Sharpened knife edge, coated with poison, ready to strike. She points the gun straight at his heart, fingers feeble. His glowering eyes echoes unspoken words. Her knees goes weak. He mindlessly wields his dagger. In one swift motion, he stabs the dagger deep into her chest. He drops the dagger and runs. Wounded, she shoots herself to end all the pain.

Talk shit

So last night Lester made me do some personality test thingy, which may or may not be accurate, but I can say for sure I've changed. There are some things that I know that I would have responded way differently maybe a few years back. Not saying that it's bad or good... Just different.

In any case, just really don't understand why some people would go around telling things that are completely unnecessary about me, to random people who don't exactly concern my life. There are things people need not know, and there are things people need not tell. What's the intention of saying those things, really? Not that I'm angry or upset, just that I don't get the rationale behind it. Then again, I shall blame it on human nature.

In any case, there are some things people don't know about, just because they don't get to see the whole truth. & it's just stupid, in my honest opinion, to go around exaggerating things when they don't know the other side of the story. Trying not to be bothered but I'm just sensitive like that.

& how does it bother you, if it doesn't bother me, or the people involved? Honestly, just go worry about yourselves alright? Handle your own shit before poking your nose into others'.

Was already lying in bed preparing to sleep but I simply can't due to all the frustration that I have in my stomach.

Just hate how I disappoint myself sometimes. How I'm not able to achieve something although I know I can do better, and how I want to be better but I can't and I am actually sore about it. Things haven't been going my way the past few days ugh. It's a mixture of EVERYTHING. So much hate going on it's actually toxic.

HATEEEEEEEE.

The finishing line that keeps running away

So these few days I feel like I've been chasing something impossible. Chasing so hard. But as soon as I move forward a little, the finishing line shifts further away from me. It's tiring, and demoralizing. It's like how I know clearly that the goal is right in front of my eyes, and I used to think I have what it takes, yet I'm not getting there.

Just another day of incompetency and disappointment. Who's to blame? Wish I could be better, but wishing is for fools, for lazy blokes who aren't putting enough hard work.

Questioning myself if this is worth my time. I know how this ends. I know the answer to my question. Just that sometimes in the midst of chasing, your vision gets blurry, you get tired and forget what drove you to chase that finishing line in the first place, and all you feel like doing is take a long long rest and avoid everything else that's going on.

Where's my Prince Charming when I need him. :<
Speaking of which... Boy's away for reservist, which means staying in camp for a week. Well, I thought I was done with army boys and their crap hahahahahhaha. Ended up with this Lester Leong who signed on for 6 years................. What to do?! Zzz.

My Kitty Froggy :> The only one worldwide and he's mineeeee muahahaha.

Told him to buy me the hello kitty froggy toy from Macdonalds while I was in NZ (because Lester looks like a frog and hello kitty is cute so I really wanted the toy. Just the frog one!) but it was said to be sold out. To comfort me he said he would be my special edition Kitty Froggy haha. Still, I was super upset and when he knew that I REALLY wanted it he asked around and cabbed to get the kitty for me despite his busy schedule. :') So touched I cried HAHAHA.

My bed feels so empty without you. Can't wait to be back in your arms again xx

I'm only a girl

A Secret of Love
My wife got sick. She was constantly nervous because of problems at work, personal life, her failures and problems with children. She has lost 30 pounds and weighted about 90 pounds in her 35 years. She got very skinny, and was constantly crying. She was not a happy woman. She had suffered from continuing headaches, heart pain and jammed nerves in her back and ribs. She did not sleep well, falling asleep only in the morning and got tired very quickly during the day. Our relationship was on the verge of break up. Her beauty was leaving her somewhere, she had bags under her eyes, she was poking her head, and stopped taking care of herself. She refused to shoot the films and rejected any role. I lost hope and thought that we’ll get divorced soon… But then I decided to act on it. After all I’ve got the most beautiful woman on the earth. She is the ideal of more than half of men and women on earth, and I was the one allowed to fall asleep next to her and to hug her shoulders. I began to pepper her with flowers, kisses and complements. I surprised her and pleased every minute. I gave her lots of gifts and lived just for her. I spoke in public only about her. I incorporated all themes in her direction. I praised her in front of her own and our mutual friends. You won’t believe, but she has blossomed. She became even better than before. She gained weight, was no longer nervous and she loved me even more than ever. I had no clue that she CAN love that much.

And then I realized one thing: ""The woman is the reflection of her man""

Brad Pitt

I can never stand being taken for granted (which is one of the worst things one could experience btw), and would only expect to be treated the same way as how it was like from the start, if not better. That's the way it should be. I was a victim once, and I tried - in all sorts of ways you can think of - to tell myself that I am the source of the problem, that I am the one who needed to change. To get used to it, to be more independent, to care less, to understand faded passion, to understand faded love, to understand mistreatment as a change that has to be embrace as time goes by. But I now know it is wrong. Nobody should go through that. You have the rights to hold on to your own happiness, and NOBODY is allowed to trample that and make you feel like you're losing that grip. Love should empower you, reinforce, make you a better person, make EACH OTHER better. So when something feels wrong you should NEVER tell yourself to let it go, that things will get better in time, that habit will make things okay. That is unacceptable.

In any case, this is a tough, but things will work out. I used to grumble to (alright fine I'm not gonna lie, still do) about why he has to take up so many commitments when he obviously has no time for himself, not to mention his family and of course, me. I want to be selfish but who am I to be? Who am I to stop him from his passion? Ultimately I know he can succeed in all those, and those are the things that keeps him going in life, that gives him the satisfaction he needs. & so in the expense of my selfish wishes, and I got to let go. Honestly, I haven't been happy lately. I try to be, but I just don't. Every morning when I open my eyes, and every night before I sleep, I still feel so thankful to have him by my side. But there's just something sad about it. I wish he knew how important he is to me. & so overly used as it is, it just comes out as "I love you" because I have no other way to tell him how he's important to me. & I so annoyingly ask in return like a girl who can never confident of herself, who so desperately requires her reassurance, "Really? Do you really?" whenever he replies with "I love you too". To him, maybe I'm just naggy, insecure, needy, which I really am. But every single time I question him, it isn't that I don't know that he does, or that I think he doesn't. I just need to hear it for myself. Every time he gives me a hug or a kiss, or when his finger interlocks with mine, I feel just like how it used to be at the very beginning. Wait, no, it's much stronger. & it fears me. Because he will NEVER know how I really feel. Beneath all the hurtful things I've said to him, I am but a girl who just wants to be happy, together with the one I love. & too many a times I feel like I'm incapable of doing that.

Looking forward to Saturday. I thought that we could finally have a proper date on Friday since dance pracs were canceled - wanted to whip up a meal and spend some quality time together - but I knew I could never be too sure when it comes to his schedules. A movie at Jurong Point would have to suffice.  Sometimes I really wish I could be the super chill kinda girl who doesn't give a fuck. Like the "Oh okay, talk to your ex-girlfriend who I don't hate at all, that is totally fine!" "Sure, text all the girls in the world as long as you love me which I know you do!" "Nah, let's just not meet for a month 'cos that's cool with me!" kind of girl. That was the sort of girl I have always wanted to be. BUT HAHA WHO AM I KIDDING! OMG I can be so ridiculous sometimes.

A trip away from home

A good 10 days spent in South Islands of New Zealand, and those 10 days gave me a new perspective about life. Every trip to somewhere is always a learning experience. New Zealand and stress doesn't go well together. It's super laidback, everyone's just doing their own thing, super friendly. It's a bit of a culture shock. All the basic daily interactions between people there are so rare in Singapore. It's just sad that Singapore doesn't own that culture - of politeness, graciousness, conscientiousness, and many other values that seem so innate to the New Zealanders.

I didn't just get to see magnificent landscapes, but step on their very land. & it reminds me of how beautiful the world can be. I didn't get to fulfill everything that I wanted to do - paragliding, ziplining, hot air balloon rides, skydiving, visiting vineyards and farms - well it's a family trip afterall and I can't possible request my grandma to do those things with me. It was more of a roadtrip and sightseeing trip. I'm contented, but I'd definitely visit NZ again to do all those things that I couldn't do this time round.

It wasn't a comfortable trip. Staying on a campervan with 6 other people was just difficult. We had to make use of every pocket of space that was available on the vehicle. AND GOD, SHOWERING IS SUCH A PAIN. Such a hassle it was, at near 0degrees, and struggling with water that is either too cold/hot.

Dad was talking about immigrating to NZ. I thought wow, that would be really nice. But at the end of the day, my home is still in Singapore. I remember the excitement when the plane's descending, when I saw the coastline of the island, and when the captain said "Welcome home", I just felt proud that I belonged here. Yes, my home isn't perfect. There so many imperfections, and things we grumble about from day to day, but ultimately it's still one of the best places to live in.

Overly attached girlfriend

That would be me.

I would have wished to go on a date with the boy before I left for New Zealand (10 days only lah) but due to time constraint, we didn't. I ended up spending the night helping him with his assignment, which is a major pain in the ass. Even now, before I leave hall for home to pack for the airport to take a plane that's NZ-bound (wow I sure am going places! Literally) I'm slogging off infront of my laptop typing his 2000 word essay, though not as efficiently as I would please.

So I woke up to have breakfast with him and ended up sobbing over my sandwich, which was completely uncool but okay.

To redeem myself here's a very cool video I made.

Or not.

Recognition

I have received the best form of recognition last night. Or compliment, should I say - because I don't fully agree with it just yet, and I don't think I ever will. While having my usual small pillow talk with the boy last night, he told me that "actually you dance very good already", "you improved since HOCC", "I watched you when you did that part", and it means the whole fucking world to me. Well, he is rather stingy when it comes to compliments, although he would say otherwise. Especially when it comes to dance, he is so darned anal about the details. He has NEVER said anything about my dancing since we've met. Unless when I ask him how I did, or when I have certain things that I don't do well enough and he'll point it out to me - "You can add in more accent", "more control", yadda yadda. & so I was shocked, in a pleasant way, when he actually praised me last night. So much so I'm actually dedicating a blog post to it hahahahhahaha as silly as it sounds. I chose to disagree with him this time though, for I honestly feel super stagnant. I hate it but I really feel that way. Still, I'm really appreciative.  There are other little moments whereby fellow dancers made me really happy too. I won't specifically mention who and what they said, but they honestly mean so much to me. I know very well that I'm not the best dancer around, but these are the things that keeps me going.

I really hope that Dancetitude won't be just another production. I really want MJ to show what's uniquely us. & I will do my best, work hard on my part. Then again, a production isn't just about an individual but many individuals combined. I just hope everyone else is on the same page.

Let's go MJ!

Been attempting to lead a healthier lifestyle by cutting down on sweetened drinks, fried foods, and by running more often. I'm still snacking quite a lot in between meals, and I'm not running quite enough (be it frequency, duration, or speed), but I would say at least it's a start.

It's summer break, but this didn't seem to lift my mood much. Been rather gloomy. My thoughts are fuzzy and I don't know where to start.

Flying off to New Zealand with the family next Tuesday. Looking forward to seeing countless beautiful sceneries (dad mentioned glaciers and I couldn't help squealing in excitement!!!) and the laidback lifestyle. Would need a prepaid card to prevent me from suffering the typical withdrawals an infomaniac would have, though.

10 days away from Singapore wouldn't be a problem. That being said, I would miss the boy like madness. We're kinda seeing each other nearly everyday, for lunch, breakfast, for dance pracs, and cuddling to sleep. I mean it's not like the dating paktor sorta seeing each other, but it's just spending time together, sort of a routine. 10 days without him would be so odd. My favourite bolster D: I wanna pack him in my luggage and bring him along. T-T;

Okay bye.

More afraid than I ever was but I don't deserve the reassurance. This vaguely rings a bell. The funniest thing is that it probably doesn't even plague you one bit while I'm drowning in my own worthless tears from where it seems like a thousand miles away from you. Toughen up.

plateau

i know miracles don't happen if you sit idle and do nothing but i haven't been exactly doing nothing. i feel like i've been stuck in this stage since forever. ive reached a plateau and have been walking on without knowing when the next rise would occur. maybe soon, maybe after a long while, maybe never. then again, to be fair, despite not doing nothing, i haven't been doing a whole lot either. guess i'm being me hoping things would be easy and go my way. snap snap stop dreaming time to grow up.

spent today with the family. they have been receiving little attention (and affection) from me, and i plead guilty. feels really great having meals over the same table, cracking stupid jokes, laughing at each other, watching my parents still being in love after decades. makes me all warm and fuzzy. also, the dad was so happy he told me i could buy whatever i wanted today, even if it's chanel or prada. there's no way i would do that, to spend his money on those things, even though they're reallyreallyreally pretty (every girl loves a chanel that's for sure). my point is, this old man is so happy and satisfied, just because we're all spending time together, to the point where he wouldn't mind spending his hard-earned money just so we could be happy too (albeit the material sense). but dad, i'm happy just spending time with you guys too. that being said, we did end up shopping in the end, not the branded sorts though. :p

dancetitude practices have started. i am beyond excited for the individual items to piece up together, for now. i hope it'll be a good show :) it's my first time taking part in a production, and also as a MJ member. i feel very proud whenever i think of that, to be part of MJ :> want to show the naysayers what we can do. honestly, we'll all in the local dance scene together, and it's such a small community, don't get why dimwits like to talk shit. i think one thing about MJ is, we're all really loving and people genuinely help each other out in the club. i would say we're quite peace-loving too. so i really don't understand why people would want to pick on us for nothing. well, there are always black sheeps among the whole bunch, so... just wish there could be more love, support, and maybe positive criticism, in the dance scene, instead of politics, gossips, and groundless shit-talking.

okay that kinda just spoiled my pre-sleeping mood. shall calm down. bye.

x

Getting past

I've lost control of myself. No idea what came over me (well actually I do but still...)

It was... a turmoil. Came clean, and I would believe it's the right thing to do. Ashamed, for I am much worst than you think I am, and this whole time I've just been trying to keep that from you. I'm fully exposing my vulnerabilities, things that I'm not proud of, to you. I am apologetic, for letting you know late. I have my fair share of regrets and I want to stop creating them. It stops here.

That pain, I know it very well. It's like some one's grabbed hold of your heart, wrenching it so tight it hurts. It's like somebody choking you, and you feel so helpless when you can't breathe. & you can't stop it. So many things that I am dying to know, yet I'm better of not knowing. It's confusing, and painful for me, just because I can't get past those. You have that affect on me and I don't like it.

I care way too much for my own good and I'm more afraid than ever. But thank you, for whatever you said. They mean the whole world to me. & if it's only a dream, don't ever wake me up.

You have probably brought out the best, and the worst in me. & I feel uglier than I've ever felt. But I want to be a better lover, the best you've ever had and will ever have. We'll strive to be better persons, for each other and ourselves. We have each other now and that's what matters. I'm beyond thankful, to have you in my life. <3 p="">

只不過

想要你哄我
知道我難過 不開心 問我一聲 “還好嗎？ 要是能在你身邊陪你就好了”
知道我沒吃午飯 會擔心 貼心嘮叨
因為太過敏 對你發了脾氣 就打給我 讓我知道 沒事的 你還在乎

我只不過 想你了
會不會太過分 太自私 太幼稚 太依賴

討厭這樣的我
沒骨氣 軟弱 令人厭惡 的我

要提醒自己 珍惜 知足 信任
可是辦不到 好難 好無奈

懷疑 我到底有什麽資格被愛

I hate you.

I really do. & as much as I tell myself that it doesn't at all matter shit, I still do.

Hopefulness only brings about greater sufferings

You can only stay naive for that short a  while before realizing that there's a whole dark, dirty, murky side to this whole thing that deviates from it's pretty, shining, glamorous exterior that's all but a facade. Never ever get your hopes high up because it only slams you back onto the ground when it turns into disappointment and you end up crushed. Naivety used to be cute but no, now you gotta know how to guard yourself so you won't shatter into shards.

I think I have certain trust issues/obsession over unnecessary trivialities and it's taking a toll on me.

Oh please

Firstly okay I'll admit it is absolutely childish of me to even rant about this but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway because well yes it annoyed the hell out of me.

Before you go talking shit, please look back at your own actions. Honestly I don't deny that whatever you said is true, because well they're sort of the truth. It only got on my nerves because you are way worse? I mean... ARE YOU EVEN THINKING?

& sorry I'm not gonna stop 'cos I'm actually don't find it much of a problem. I kinda know my limits so you can either 1) shut up 2) practice what you preach, bitch.

Also, on a completely regarded note, I feel completely............... Stupid. Won't let it happen to me again.

Paradox of Progress

The paradox of progress can be explained as the fact that there are great advancements in technology, medicine and communication etc over the past century but this has created more problems for people to deal with, instead of making life easier. higher economy and consumerism leads to more stress as people work more and society falls behind. As we move forward as a society we create more problems. this is the paradox.

So were people really happier, in the past? Where things were different? When they had less options? A place and time where there are less opportunity costs? Where one choice won't lead to the "sacrifice" of the many other options? Is it really better there? Why do people progress just to create more problems to solve? & when we solve them why do we not really remove the roots of the problems?

Just reading about this itself makes me feel extremely frustrated about life. Because people are just so damn fucking contradicting, insatiable, twisted, weird creatures. We always want things to be better but are never satisfied. "The grass is greener on the other side" just shows how fucked up people are isn't it.

I think I found it - the change in my personality, the reason why I'm getting less optimistic. My major. I didn't realize it myself but the textbook said it - psychology focuses a lot on the negative aspects of life. & it is so true. All we see are problems in people. Problems of so many kinds, and problems that keeps sprouting out, non-stop. They just keep adding on problems and diagnoses into the DSM. Who knows, maybe I'm ill too. After all being "abnormal" is just a point on the continuum, between two extreme ends on normality and abnormality. Honestly, all these are pretty interesting. I just hate it whenever it turns into a curriculum, a module where things have to be tested. I understand when I read and when you tell me about it I can go "Oh that's what it is, I know" but whenever the paper's infront of me I just can't do it. Because I don't actually really make the effort to memorize it. You can say I never ever internalized those information, because I don't.

God knows what I'm rambling on about. I'm just depressed after a long day, after taking two consecutive papers in a day. Screwed both of them up by the way. Just when I thought Korean level 2 could be my saving grace. Guess not.

Not like the remaining two modules are gonna help me. Think they're just gonna drag me further down into hell. & my brain's already telling me to give up already.

I think heart is getting murky. I'm harboring hate, dislikes, frustration, and all the blackish shit - I think cigarettes are healthier than all those negative thoughts.

"UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH."

Okay not feeling any better.

Just gonna have the night to myself. Just one night. No alarms. Then I'll attempt to continue my futile fight against all the shit that's hurled onto my face. Yup.

Bye shitty world. & it's true. Sometimes I just want the world to end. Give me a day. To cleanse my thoughts and attempt to restore my faith in humanity.

Couldn't be better

When we ditch the notes and decide to have a tiny respite with both our favourite sitcoms. When we squabble over how we won't give up our own packet of junk food but still end up stuffing those goodies into each others' mouths and proceed to give a silly satisfied smile in unison. When we get tired of the show and end up snuggling under sheets. When you act all cute towards me, and to nobody else. When we finally get sleepy and tuck each other in. When you pull me into your arms. When we give each other a light peck on the lips and whisper good night.

6th

So it's our 6th month together now & it's really strange. Half a year ain't that long a time but it feels like he's been my life since for a long long time. Not in a bad way. But just, I don't exactly remember how I lived my life without him prior to this. Weird.

So I sent him like a virtual package, also as a form of exam encouragement, via email. It's the second time I'm doing a exam welfare pack for him! I feel happy whenever I do stuff for him.

Not posting up the contents (duhhhhh) but the gist is that I made a Gwiyomi video. Yes. Proceed to judge. But hey, I really had fun making the video. How often do you get to go all out and act cute like this. After all I'm turning 22 (old hag) and yeah GOTTA ACT CUTE WHILE I AM.... NOT THAT OLD YET RIGHT?!

Screenshots --- because the video itself is for Lester's eyes only hahahahaha, although it did sort of leak out and a few of my friends saw it before him. DON'T BOTHER SEARCHING FOR IT, YOU CAN'T. HAHAHA. IT'S PRIVATE NOW!

HAHAHAHA the video is worse. I think I'm not exactly the cutesy kind of girlfriend so yes, this is a one off thing. COUNT YOURSELF LUCKY I TRIED TO ACT CUTE TO YOU OKAY LESTER LEONG.

So this tiny little part of me was hoping that he would get me Ladurée macarons, after dropping hints multiple times. Actually no, I in-his-face told him "PLEASE BUY ME MACARONS. PLEASE." every once a few days, but he didn't. In fact he replied with a "NO". So I was a little upset, partly because I REALLY REALLY wanted to try the macarons, and also because I kinda like surprises from time to time I'M A GIRL HOR OKAY. Also, he forgot that it was our monthsary. But IT'S OKAY. I mean, honestly we don't really celebrate our months, and sometimes we both forget the dates together. So yeah. JUST GET ME MY MACARONS AFTER EXAMS TOGETHER, BITCH. PFFT.

Okay after bitching about him I should praise him. He's actually really sweet on a daily basis. He takes care of me, helps me clear my plates, still cracks my eggs for breakfast, pledged to peel prawns for me (because I am a princess like that), listens to me whine, tries to reassure me every other day because I'm like damn fucking insecure all the fucking time, cuddles me when I feel upset, walks me up to my doorstep if he happens to send me home, offers me his food whenever he thinks my meal looks tragic, etc etc. It's all the littlest things. So I'm really grateful, just to have him by my side, through everything.  & those are enough (although a surprise from time to time would be awesome. Tyvm.)

Okay gotta go study. EXAMS. UGH.

Fairytale

You asked me why do I like to look at you so much. "There must be a reason why", the answer flashes in my head but I can't put it into words. Is it weird of me to do that? I do it without noticing, simply because it feels like such a natural thing to do. Everytime I'm with you, I drown in bliss. So much so that it warps my sense of reality. I look at you so I can remember how it looks like to be with you at that moment, and relate it to how I feel. I still get that feeling of disbelief, ALL THE TIME, and I think to myself "How can this angel be right next to me?" What a wonderful feeling it is, to love someone, and for him to love you back. And so I stare, marveling at the fact that you're mine, and that I'm yours, all heart and soul. At that moment, everything's perfect, simple yet intricate. As our limbs clumsily intertwine, I just want this feeling to stay and never fade away.

Just tell me you love me, only for tonight

I have no idea where all my sunshine and rainbows have gone to. I've been so very emotional. By emotional, I mean, I go laughing at something for a long while and can't stop (okay this is actually quite common for me), & crying even at the escalator long after the credits have rolled to the film "The Croods".  Or have I always been like this? I just can't seem to relate myself to that because just half a year ago I was perfectly fine with my semi emotionally detached self. No amount of assurance can seem to shake me back, to affirm my self-worth. Call me silly but I'm just afraid. I used to ridicule people like that but now I think I understand why they behave the way they do.

Wounding and healing me with that very same voice. You're a hybrid, of an angel and a devil. I surrender.

Embrace what the future holds. Give up dwelling on the past. Accept with an open heart. Forgo grudges. Remind yourself to cherish. Step back in moments of anger. Savor every bit of simple bliss. Never forget why you're doing what you're doing. Think from different perspectives. Love with everything you've got.

I am fat

I don't know how I got this fat. Just weighed myself two days back. It isn't my peak but I want to be thin. Drowning in immense resentment. My thighs are fucking bulging, all thick and ugly. My arms are fucking flabby. My tummy isn't flat. Sometimes I just want to grab a knife and slice away those ugly things. I want to be happy and be satisfied with my body image but I don't think I would ever be. & I just do nothing, as usual. In fact I just bought a packet of Ruffles and am planning to gobble them up soon. What kind of fucked up person am I.

Feeling a little... Aimless. Without all the dance practices that I've been keeping myself busy with, I ran out of the most convenient excuse to shield other responsibilities away. I'm pretty bad at facing things. I'm an avoider, always have been, when it comes to certain responsibilities. Studies are supposed to be on the top of my priority list now, like, flashing red emergency state kind of priority. Just can't seem to gear myself into it just yet. Whining yet again but I know it'll just end up the same way as it always have been. But, just... Let me whine my share of woes away. That's the least I could do to rid of this sucky feeling a little.

Also, I have been behaving like a little bitch lately. Insecure, moody, sensitive, overreacting, cranky, you name it, I have it. Wish I could just switch off my emotions sometimes (idea obviously adapted from Vampire Diaries) just to shut all these negativities off.

Atop of all these worries, I am still fat. Fuck.

Escape

Had an impromptu Ubin half-day getaway with Yj Clem & Sunny.

Perfect timing for this little getaway because I was so cooped up with all the things that are happening. Despite that, I was preoccupied with the thoughts of having a dance prac in the evening and kept keeping track of time so that I won't be late. Still, for a moment or two, I felt a certain sense of calmness and freedom.

Haven't partied since the start of 2013 (say what) and finally took time out to head to Zouk. Yes we actually had to TAKE TIME OUT. I'm not even kidding. There's no time to club. I am craving for more but virtually impossible to find time :(

Did a dance show where we got to eat awesome food, did a fairly simple routine, and got paid. ;)

Finally a closure to all hall dance commitments by performing our HOCC piece one last time at Cultural Night. I screwed up a fair bit because I wasn't mindful of the changes. A random classmate from my elective class who happened to go for the event actually came up to me and said "Hey I think I saw you at hall 8's cultural night. You were the one who danced wrongly at the end right" #fml. But OKAYYYYY.

Finally finally FINALLY met up with Raphael people. We used to have lunch and suppers every other day, every other week. What happened? :( All so caught up with our own things.

Also did a baby freeze for my intro to hiphop elective, which is a big feat for me. Tried this freeze a couple of times throughout my teenage years but have never succeeded BUT I DID IT!! *burst into tears of joy* When I excitedly announced this pleasant news to the boyfriend he simply went "Baby freeze only who cannot do." Meh. Encouraging much.

And the boyfriend is now blonde. Wait, WHO IS THIS GUY?

Honestly my insecurities are starting to bug me. I can't shake them off. Ugh.

Back to my astro notes. Cheers to being small speck of useless matter floating in the vast universe.

Struggling with body image

Some girls are just effortlessly petite and are born with high metabolism rates it's just so unfair. Everytime I look into the mirror I'm just like, why do I have to look like this? I used to be much thinner than my current size so I can't really embrace my body, although I've been my current size for about a year or two now. I really hate my frame and how big I look :( I've learnt to live with it though. I mean, I'm not exactly like whining about it everyday like I used to anymore. But 5 days of supper straight this week and I feel like a piece of gigantic lard. Why did I even allow it to happen. Was looking through Instagram and saw Rachew's picture of her abs after her workout plan and I've decided that I would go ahead and try that too. & it will start from today. (I've a feeling I'll give up after a few days but OKAY) Sigh so much hate for the world. SO UNFAIR.

Silly moments

xx

Quicksand

i've been overthinking about so many things lately. it's taking a toll on me. idk how to find release but to blog. i try to occupy myself with happy thoughts but it does not seem to be working.

please, just stay away. don't even harbour that thought. i get affected too easily by every single thing and it's tiring to care too much. when can i ever learn my lesson.

and there i go again, sinking into the quicksand. someone, anyone. help me?

Because I felt like it

I made a short video of a random Saturday. I love pictures. Videos, too. I love anything that allows me to look back and reminisce.

x

(on a very random note I CAN'T WAIT FOR IRON MAN 3 OMG OMGOMGOMGOMG)

We'll hide where love can save us

Irony is that we throw words of hate like a ticking grenade to the people we care most when caught in a moment of self-centredness. We raise our voices to close up the distance between but all it does is to push us further away. In this crossfire nobody emerges a winner, because what's left would just be bleeding souls and wounded hearts. But at the end of the day, a warm embrace is all it takes to melt everything away.

If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?If our love’s insanity, why are you my clarity?x

Yet another night of feeling upset about everything. What am I doing all these for? I'm just in a mess.

Dancetitude pracs are pouring in and instead of feeling happy that I'm taking part in it, I just keep thinking that I won't be able to do a good job. Gosh I know I'm really really lucky to get the first few choices on my list, and I really shouldn't ask for anything else. But I really feel lousy. Exact feeling I got after my locking+popping assessment the other day. Why am I even spending time on something that I'm not good at. (& then the inner me says: that is precisely why you should spend more time on it!)

But will it really pay off at the end of the day? Idk. I think the stress simply accumulated from HO till now and I didn't really get a chance to release all the pent up frustration or whatever emotions there is leftover. Having a fully packed recess week doesn't help either.

I really miss my friends.

unimportant replaceable incompetent cant help feeling small overwhelmed fearful fearful fearful weakling

AIYA KNNBCCB I JUST FEEL LIKE skglksdnglsnglnekgnlksnglknselnglknse lknBYE GONNA SLEEP IT OFF

Srethgie

What I should really be doing right now is to do some last minute cramming for my completely unprepared quizzes tomorrow (yes, two quizzes) after screwing up one just this morning. But no I can't. Because my overwhelming emotions won't allow me. It's are taking over. I can't snap back to reality this fast. Okay fine, I refuse to. Because on 26th February, our dreams came true and I never want to wake up.

Nothing could have felt more amazing.

After doing hall dance in my first academic year, I was convinced that hall dance is truly a place where dancers can grow. & when I say grow, I really mean GROW. In all aspects. It was an amazing journey last year and I couldn't wait for this year's.

Rewinding 2 months back, we've injected new blood into the team, had some precious valuable assets leaving our team (but nobody really leaves though. Once a Srethgie, forever a Srethgie), sharing sessions commenced. Things started building up, we started thinking of concepts, splitting choreography, THE SHIT JUST GOT REAL. Everyone's going like "you guys have so many MJ dancers" blabla and I didn't really like that. I crumble under too much stress and expectations #weak haha. & honestly, having MJ dancers doesn't guarantee anything at all.

Got to collaborate with my sister (I really love this girl with all my fucking heart) Candice. I did freak out a little, when I got "arrowed" to choreograph. Well, I have very low confidence when it comes to choreographing. & having to choreograph something of this scale (NY audi brimming with audience - NO FUCKING WAY!), I freaked out quite a bit. But knowing that I had Candice with me, made me feel a hell lot better. We've been through Impre competition together under FLaVa, we joined battle together, choreographing for hall dance was another milestone for us. We go through all these things together and I'm just really really glad to have her with me.

So we drafted something, worked things out from there, and a piece was thus born. It was something that we both were unfamiliar with, hence it was intimidating. We were afraid things wouldn't be up to standard. But we came up with a piece that we're both really proud of :')


Fly me to the moon - girl's segment that Candice and I choreographed together. Really proud of my girls. I dare say we looked super clean and fabulous!!! WHO RUN THE WORLDDDDDD?!

Practices got more intense, we have pracs almost everyday and it stretched late into the night. But every practice was enjoyable. I admit, it did feel like a chore, a lot of times. But it felt great as well. I know it sounds contradicting but that was just what it is.

We stitched the items together with all of our hearts, & our piece evolved along with us, into something uniquely Srethgie. It was something we couldn't wait to show the world, something we could proudly call OUR PIECE.

We did the props together, everything handmade with love. & then it was 26th February, all in the blink of an eye. We've had our fair share of worries before - What if this doesn't work out? What if that? Can we do it? Do you think it's okay? Weirdly though, on that day itself, I didn't feel unprepared at all (I tend to feel that way a lot).

At that very moment when we were on stage, with our introduction video playing behind us, I closed my eyes and felt the presence of my team members. Sitting before me was an auditorium full of eager spectators, waiting to watch what we've got. Likewise, we couldn't wait to show them what we had in store. When the light cames on, when the music echoed through every corner of the auditorium, I remembered thinking "This is the moment. My time. OUR TIME.", and we just went for it. 6 minutes of non-stop action, prepared using months of blood, tears, sweat, passion, love, laughter, happiness, every sort of emotion. I was dying to do well for myself, for the team. I felt so proud, for every second in that short span of 6minutes.  & I swear I felt like we were dancing together. It wasn't our cleanest run, BUT IT WAS THE FUCKING BEST ONE. The laughter from the audience, the resounding applaud at the end of our piece, cheers from the crowd, I SWEAR I FELT THAT WE WERE INFINITE. (YES QUOTING THE OVERUSED QUOTE BUT THERE ISN'T ANY BETTER WAY TO SAY THIS!!!)

I can't, and would never forget that feeling, sitting together, rows of us, anticipating the release of results. We wanted the victory, but it wasn't the main thing. We've never really focused on vying for that throne. We just wanted to do well, and do our best as Srethgie. When they announce the 3rd and 2nd placing, I remember breaking down that very moment. I was shocked by my own reaction because it has been a while I've behaved this way and it was uncontrollable bawling. Gush of thoughts went "OMG WOULD IT BE US, it should be, it must be! BUT WHAT IF?! Maybe they didn't like it? Could they have hated our piece?! But it should be!!!" and all of us went crazy. I gripped on to Lester and Shervon's hands and the atmosphere was intense. We were all screaming in excitement and fear. & when they announced Srethgie as Champions it was just ballistic crying laughing hugging and more hugging and I WAS SO SO PROUD THAT THE VICTORY WAS OURS. WE MADE IT TOGETHER AND WE'VE COME SO FAR TOGETHER omg as I type I'm crying again. The champion trophy, is ours to keep. Just kept having episodes of bawling sobbing and tearing throughout the night. & I dare say, I've NEVER felt "tears of joy" as much as I've felt it this way. I CAN'T DESCRIBE IT. I CAN'T.

I love each and single one of my Srethgie dance mates from the bottom of my heart. :')

Crazy, crazy, crazy journey. Magical, even.

& I'm just really glad to share the moment with the ones I love. Especially Lester. Fate has led us to know each other through hall dance, and I'm really happy to be able to share the stage with him. Especially during couple work, because I really felt so genuinely happy and comfortable dancing with him. It is truly a blessing.

Couple work - FUCK YEAH CONFETTI!!!

I've told him countless times that I'm super proud of him but every single time he replies with a "Huh but I also never do anything" "Silly ah" "Crazy girl" "You're just biased". BUT I REALLY AM VERY PROUD OF HIM WHAT. He's a crazy good dancer and yet he undermines his own ability sometimes. He is a born performer and when you watch him do his thing on stage you can really feel it. You feel his desire to show his stuff, to entertain. & even though he is so crazily annoyingly lame and irritating (but so freaking adorable) at times, he gets things going. He has so many creative ideas. He motivates people. He cares about the smallest things although he tries not to show it. I could go on and on, but really, he's just amazing. I'm just so very very very proud of him. More than he would ever know. & I swear I'm not just saying this because I'm biased, not just because he's my boyfriend.

I love you babyboy!! ^^

Harder, better, faster, stronger.


FOUND THIS KIND OF ENTERTAINING HAHAHAHA that would be me basking in glory and glittery confetti. SO INTO IT HAHAHAHA.

Also, other halls were simply awesome. Just in awe. Seeing my fellow MJ dancers on stage made me feel SO SO SO PROUD. & I can't wait for Dancetitude. & knowing that fresh dancers start dancing cos of HO makes me feel so happy. :) So much to learn from everybody!

I just read a post on NTU confessions the other day (it appeared on my FB timeline) regarding hall commitments. That person wrote that we are caught in our own bubble, and that being involved in these things are just a plain waste of time, and that it wouldn't help anything in our lives. It triggered me a little.

Well, I just feel sad for that person. I mean like, people like this would NEVER understand the euphoria, and for a lack of a better word, indescribable feeling you get when you work in a team towards a common goal. Why do we work so hard for something like that? No monetary gains, no nothing, just a title, nothing that would be recognised when we step into the working society? It's not all about that, man. We work hard because WE WANT TO! It makes us happy. Simple enough. & sometimes simple things like that matter the most. One of the best moments in my life, no doubt.

& here it is, our champion piece.
I am part of Srethgie, and so damn fucking proud.

(you may wanna watch it in HD and full screen to catch every bit of our awesomeness)

It wasn't perfect per se, but it felt like it. :)

We are already champions in my heart before anyone told us we were. SRETHGIE LOVE. INFINITELY!

Jumbled mixpot of emotions

We push away the people who care for us. We make stupid mistakes that we know we would regret. We let emotions take over logic at the crucial timings. We shut ourselves out when we need somebody the most. We only cherish things the moment we lose them. We expect people to do certain things that we ourselves don't do. We take things for granted. We make fucked up decisions. We don't do it all the time, but everyone does it. We all 犯賤 from time to time. & it is sad.

Have you ever felt helpless for not being able to help, although you want to do it with your entire heart and soul? It breaks my heart. & I wish there was some way I could take away the pain. & I all can do is to sit and watch, pray that you will be okay, that you will not give yourself up, that it would all be gone once and for all. But all I can do is to think. & then, nothing. I want to be there for you, but I all I can be, is to be there. I want to be something more. I want to lift your spirits, give you hope, cure your pain, even. That would be overambitious because I know I can't do it. I don't have that ability. It disappoints me that I can't be any of that. & it is sad.

I was watching a wedding proposal video on Facebook the other day, where the guy proposed to the girl in the cinema. & I couldn't stop crying. What was touching wasn't the extravagance, the flowers nor balloons. It was the thought. & thought, is often what matters the most. Not thoughts that are kept to oneself, but thoughts that are made known.

In any case,

Happy 4th monthsaryyyyyy! It has been the greatest 4 months of my life. ^^

We've never celebrated any of the monthsary or whatever. Largely because 1) We're both busy 2) We don't really care about the monthsary stuff. Spending everyday with him makes me happy enough.

x

It just hurts whenever efforts are not well appreciated or when the response is not what you expected, especially when you do it for the people you love. Because everything you do is out of love and concern, and every second you spend doing that task is with filled with thoughts of that person, filled with every possible best intention. Hence it backfires when it isn't appreciated. It's one of the worst feelings one can experience, at least in my emotional dictionary. I detest it. But it keeps happening to me from time to time. & there's almost nothing you can do. Because reactions and responses reflects how one feels from deep down within. & if one doesn't express that emotion you wished to see, it just doesn't happen. It didn't happen because that person didn't feel it. & all you can do is to think what went wrong, and just feel sad and hurt and nothing else. There is absolutely nothing. Because it's honesty. So you just have to suck it up and hope that one fine day you'll just because less sensitive, not be oversensitive, or desensitized, perhaps.

Late night influx of gushing thoughts

I feel it pressing in, the pressure. I just really want all of us to do well. I want us to feel the music and dance as one. This can't afford to go wrong. I'm nervous and excited to see how it will turn out. But I'm really wishing for the best. Time is running out and we have to make every second count. I can now say that I really love this group of dancers. I feel that sense of belonging when I dance with them. I feel so thankful for being able to be part of this team. I love Srethgie with all of my heart.

Made a trip down to Cathay to catch the Impresario competition, to support the MJ teams, and most importantly to support the boyfriend. This competition exactly one year back was the reason why I got involved in hiphop. Joining Impresario with FLaVa was one of the best decisions I've ever made, and it's a decision that I'll never regret. It has moulded me to the dancer that I am today. So many takeaways, and the bond shared with FLaVa will never be forgotten. I'm really thankful for being able to be part of FLaVa because without them I wouldn't like dancing this much, I wouldn't have learnt so much, and got to experience and get out of my comfort zone. I never got to tell them this but I'm really am so grateful for that opportunity. Those days were really hell, where we trained into the AM, and got so stressed up over it like the competition meant our everything, but those things were the exact reason why the whole journey with FLaVa was so meaningful.

Digressed a little, but this year's competition was intense. The teams were really impressive and the standard has way surpassed the norm. I just feel really really proud of my friends (okay namely Jason) for putting in so much hardwork. Watching him improve by leaps and bounds, it's just amazing. & I'm also really proud of Lester. He held the stage and exuded so much charm and confidence (I am not being biased just because he's my boyfriend!) This might not mean much to him but I just feel so proud. Getting a little emotional here with tears welling up and all that shit but OKAY it's a happy kind of tearing. #emotionalgirl91

There are so many people who mean so much to me and I just don't have enough time to show them I care. Does that mean that I don't? I mean, one could definitely find time if they want to. Is it an excuse? Maybe, I don't know. I wish I had more than 24hours in a day to do all the things I need to do.

Am I being oversensitive, or would I be insensitive?

Words can mean so much yet mean nothing. Emptiness.

Nobody can be a perfect person but everyone strives to be. & trying to get there is just so difficult. Will you keep trying?