A moment ago I was perfectly fine and happy. The next I felt like my whole world was gonna crumble. How the fuck am I supposed to churn out a 800 word essay in two days?! Especially with all the SPT pracs, in-class essay (which I'm so unprepared for) and project filming and all that in between? I just felt so mad and frustrated, like I'm spinning out of control. I feel like setting everything on fire. Went for a shower in hopes to cool myself down but SOMEONE TOOK MY FAVOURITE CUBICLE (I call it MY THINKING ROOM). WHOEVER YOU ARE, A BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU!!!!! No bitch takes my cubicle when I'm mad! >:( Ended up bawling my eyes out in the third cubicle (WHICH I HATE BTW). I need a cigarette so bad and I've never ever felt this way, EVER!!!!! I don't believe in relying in such stuff and I know it's unhealthy. It's so peculiar. UGH. Alternatively a hug would suffice. I think.

Save me right now

I look and stare so deep in your eyesI touch on you more and more every timeWhen you leave I'm begging you not to goCall your name two, three times in a row
Such a funny thing for me to try to explainHow I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame'Cause I know I don't understandJust how your love you're doing, no one else can
Got me looking so crazy right nowYour love's got me looking so crazy right nowGot me looking so crazy right nowYour touch got me looking so crazy right now
Got me hoping you'll page me right nowYour kiss got me hoping you'll save me right nowLooking so crazy in love's got me lookingGot me looking so crazy in love

Disarming, adj:

Some days my life is a series of bombs waiting to go off, and you manage to charm them into defusing.

I might just spontaneously combust. I just might. Haven't felt this bliss in a while. This rarity. For me, it really is. Slowly letting go of fear. Appreciating the simplest things. Make this last. Never let it fade away.
x

Hiding in between sheets listening to The XX. Completely distracted from the personality presentation slides that I'm supposed to do up. Not much time left and SPT item isn't even halfway done.

How are you doing?

xx

i want to be skinny, just like other girls. i want bones. i want to look good in anything i wear. i want my collarbones to be seen. i want that gap between my thighs when i place my feet together. i want thin arms that i won't feel conscious about whenever i wear sleeveless tops. i want my hipbones to protrude. i hate my fat cheeks. i want to wear a fitting dress and not feel fat. i want to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. i hate my tummy. i hate my muscular calves. i hate how my thighs are big from dancing. i hate how i whine about how fat i am but still binge and then feel absolutely horrid about it after. i hate how i only put in so little effort to exercise and expect myself to look thin. who am i even kidding. i hate how i'm breaking out again. it reminds me of how ugly i am and how ugly i used to feel. i hate how my skin can no longer turn fair and i'm just like, yellow. i hate how other girls have nice hair. and mine's just ugly and flat, with all the grey hair. i hate how i look so old. i hate my nose. i hate it that i'm so hairy. i hate my small boobs. i hate it that i have no cheekbones. i want smaller shoulders so that i can feel more feminine. i dislike my huge hips and my big butt. i want to look approachable and not be judged as fierce or unfriendly all the time. i hate feeling ugly and insecure and small and not being good enough.

Ready

& so

a new chapter

begins.

Different stars

I'm such a flawed person. Having another one of those moments now, doubting, low self-esteem. I always think I've done enough, till I actually look back. I would then realise "How could that have been enough?". I want to be better.

I've been bingeing lately. I do that when I'm stressed out, or just when I'm happy. I guess now its a mixture of both, which spells doom. Just yesterday, I had a super legit dimsum buffet (non-stop ordering and eating), followed by a serving of froyo, ramen for dinner, followed by pizzas, washed down with beer. Beer... Is just making me balloon like a crazy fat bitch. The weighing machine is just sitting there alone, a sad corner of my room. And I dare not step on it. Not anytime soon. I feel so horrendously ugly these days.

Weight gain and ugliness is definitely not the sole reason for my dejection. School work. I can't even begin. I thought I knew what I was doing this semester. I am wrong. Horribly wrong. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

& you. You occupy my mind. I have no brain storage space for anything else.

So i will hum alone, too far from you.
All that i say now is nothing to you.
We will lie under different stars,
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Sigh pie

I find myself sighing a lot lately. When I think of my HH0201 readings I haven't covered. When I think of the SPT choreo that's supposed to be done but I haven't even started on. When I think of how I'm such a mediocre dancer. When I think of how much I've been eating despite looking like a tub of oil. When I think of the number of birthday celebrations coming up that I want to attend but might not be able to. When I think of how Frolick is constantly bugging me to work when I don't have the time to. When I think of how exams are just a month away. When I think of what you said. When I think of what he said. When I think of what I think. When I think about how everything doesn't fit right and there are hollows between the cracks. When I think of how hopeless and vulnerable I am now. Bare, bare. My heart is bare.

sometimes i think i don't deserve happiness because of all the people i've hurt, even though i don't have the intention to. i just want everybody to be happy, without hurting anyone in the process. it's unattainable though. a childish wish.

in any case, it's insane how happy i can get it's almost unreal. and then the next moment i sink back into my whirlpool of negative thoughts. not too sane. plain ridiculous.

Deja vu

It feels like I've had this thought way too many times, so much so it feels like deja vu, like it keeps replaying. I hate how things are always fleeting. I want things to stay. I want the people I cherish to know I do. I want those who matter to stay. I want happiness to stay. I'm so worried that all I feel would be just be fleeting, something that wouldn't last. I worry too much, and I say too little. It's getting difficult to put my thoughts across, not even to anyone, but to myself. It's getting tougher for me to say how I feel because I'm afraid when I do, my intentions would be misinterpreted, and things would go wrong.

Last night I dreamt that I saw friends who used to be close to me, and one of them were crying over the loss of someone. & I felt sad. Then I was protecting this little girl from big gigantic men who were chasing after her. I kept feeding her with food. & this guy proposed to me with a pink ring with a tiny diamond on it. & it all didn't make sense.

That's what my reality is like now actually. It makes no sense.

More than words

MJ Battle Vol. 5

As a freshie in MJ last year, I was inspired by all the seniors who battled. It was a real eye-opener for someone who's new to hiphop. At the back of my head I thought "I'd NEVER be able to do that". But I DID IT, just yesterday. Honestly, I was stressing over the battle for the longest time. The worry constantly echoes in my head, more so when I try not to think about it. I feel guilty when I don't session, I feel guilty because I fear. I tell you, I am this huge gigantic mass of fear.

When Yanyan first approached me to pair up with her for the battle, I remembered telling her "No, sorry. I just don't feel comfortable doing it yet. I don't think I will ever do it." & then Candice came along and asked me to do it together, talking about overcoming ourselves, stepping out of our comfort zones, and for a crazy second I thought to myself "Hey, Aly, it's about time you do something about your constant lack of confidence." and so I replied a big OKAY LET'S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT.

Fast forward to yesterday, everything zoomed past like a dream (nightmare specifically). I was so nervous during the auditions my upper body went numb. Candice and I gave pep talks to each other, exchanging hugs, and I didn't want to pull her down. We downed redbull, we downed some Heineken, and the next moment we were showcasing our routines. My brain was a blank. I have no issues with doing choreography, but freestyling is a another altogether. I FUCKING SUCK AT IT. My musicality is limited to "ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR", I have very little hiphop vocab (or any other dance vocab in any case), and I FEAR FREESTYLING. I can never understand people who can just do it with ease. I dislike feeling lousy, and I dislike having other people scrutinizing my every move.

I just kept telling Candice "Let's just do whatever we can. Our first will be our last round anyway." But we went into final 8. Then final 4. Then top 2. It was. Crazy.

Firstly, I would say other teams deserve those positions, much more than we do. We know where we stand. & the positioning is such a burden. The judges were probably impressed seeing us fight for our dear lives and wanted to see how far we could push ourselves. I may come off as a little disrespectful and offensive, but I'd rather not have it that way. Don't do this to us. We are people with feelings. Take it easy, they say. But it is afterall our first battle, a stepping stone, something that means so much to us. Nobody can imagine how much courage it took us to finally step up. I'm glad we were given then chance to fight, to try, to prove people wrong, but I'd rather not. I sound like a total wuss. It was embarrassing. I felt like we were NOWHERE near the other teams' standards. All we had was sheer willpower and that fighting spirit, which was actually forced courage converted from fear. Of course, we had chemistry as well. I am really thankful though, for all the support from my fellow MJians. I'm just really grateful to have them. Shouting "change move! don't panic! just slut it out! jiayou you can do this". & I just kept pushing. & all the exchanging of hugs and encouraging words, they mean a whole lot to me.

We lost in the end, but of course. It is a miracle we even got this far (trust me, I know where we stand). But it was a helluva fun night. I'm proud that we finally stepped up, and made a breakthrough, together.

Thank you, my fellow kampung44 hotchix partner Candice Sibei Hot Chillipadi Ong! So thankful for you to go through this with me. I wouldn't wanna have it another way. You did great out there. You were so kind to tank the 1minute solos because I was still chickening out in the midst of the battle. Pre-battle tears and jitters were taken over by this strong and powerful girl I see. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! We'll work hard together and shine much brighter the coming year. :) Love you!

FLaVa love. Although we no longer have pracs together, these people are the ones that brought me to love MJ, to love hiphop. The hardwork we put in together changed us, changed me. I value each and single one of you so much!

My girls, Yan and Fel. Yanyan is just constantly telling me JUST DO IT JUST DO IT and encouraging me. & Fel just keeps telling me to stop worrying and to just do my best. Both super helpful and never ever hesitate when I ask for help or whenever I bug them to train basics with me, or when I whine that I'm nervous. Love!

MY ROOMIE ZAHZAH!!! Such a pity she didn't get to battle because honestly she would have done so so good. Such an inspiration to watch her dance. Raw, pure, and full of intention. I know it must feel bad to withdraw last minute, but next year you'll wow the crowd, I'm so damn fucking sure of it. This girl is also so encouraging. Kept screaming her lungs out at the audience seat and constantly reassured us throughout the battle. Love her for that :)

So many takeaways from this experience. No regrets. Soooo inspired by all the battlers, seriously. Each and every single one. So motivated to strive to be a better dancer. Metamorphosise I will!

& nothing matters more than having your support. Thank you :)

Everything happened within a single day. Dear Heavens, I understand that you want to make my life difficult and drama-filled but spread them out at least? It's beyond ridiculous I don't even know how to feel. I think I've collected enough bad karma the past few months to last me a lifetime. I regret the things I've done, words I've never said, words that I've said wrongly, words that I've said to the wrong person. Sorry can only mean so much, but that's the only thing I can say. Nothing can justify my actions, I suppose. I don't want to make mistakes again. But can anyone tell me what's right and what's not? I don't want to hurt myself. But I hurt people. I don't want to, but I still do, because I'm selfish. Yes, guilty as charged, I know it very well. I don't know when I've become like this but that's just how I function now. I'm not worth all these. Not a single bit. 'cos I'm as fucked up as a person can get.

Apart from all these, I'm letting my heart decide.