Right now I just picture myself growing old alone, because my heart can't let anyone in. Must be my ego. I've built a wall so high, so thick, I doubt anyone can break through. And why am I fat? I wish I could slice away all the meat that I don't want to see on me. & I wonder how long I can continue living like this. I feel really happy most of the time but sometimes I feel miserable. Something is fucked up within me. I want to spend time with my friends and have fun and that's all I want to do. I'm not ready to take up the world. Leave me alone. And I'm typing really random things that are completely incoherent but I can't give a fuck anymore because I just feel upset now. A moment ago I was really happy but now I'm just empty. It comes and goes. Might be because of my sprained fourth toe. It hurts like a bitch and I can't walk properly. Irks me how I get all affected by the smallest things. Weak. Fuck this shit.

L U V x M O M E N T S //

Life on the fast lane.

Pangzy the Perth Boy dropped by Singapore for a short meetup! RamenPlay for dinner and Brotzeit to chill after. I have no idea why but the guys were being real generous that night. Zhiyang voluntarily paid $60 for dinner (which was more than half the total), and Zhenghui foot the bill entirely for beer (whopping total of $221). Not that I'm complaining! Like, hello, free beer?!

A toast, to being young and free :)

Buddy <3

Supposed to call off our partying plans, but I guess as we drank we got a little spontaneous. Headed down to Butter. Free entry. Perks!

 

 

Row of awesomeness.

After pints of beer, a round of jägerbomb, jack daniel shots, vodka ribena, another round of jägerbomb, long island, and endless gulps of orange belvedere from random people around the club. The guys kindly bought all the rounds. I wish they were like that all the time. HAHAHA.

Awesome night! Nobody got too drunk or got into trouble or puked or anything of that sort. Just pure fun within our clique! Love ^^ (Teh came late so no pictures of him. Boo.)

Stayover at Poo's place and brekky with Poo CX and Pangzy. Awesome!

So it was Jinghan's birthday a week back. FLaVa held a surprise party for him, with the help of Aiwei!

Agent A, Agent C, Agent T, hiding behind the couch waiting for plan execution! Such a cheap thrill planning the surprise. We were hiding and all. Hahaha.

The only (bad) group photo, because my bitch of a phone refuses to cooperate.

The skinny tall sweet two! Victim and alliance ;)

Happy birthday Partner! ^^

Also held a small-scale surprise birthday celebration for Momsy the other night. Hehe.

Finally went jogging! Gonna try and keep this up!

Kbox with my BESTYs, and to celebrate Ying's birthday ^^

Seniors' camp! No group photos, sadly. Was quite fun to gather with the Raphaels (now Black Jacks!) Was so freaked out over one of the activities I teared multiple times throughout the day. The loser I am. Sigh.

Cherlyn's birthday celebration right after work!

 

Had a great few weeks :) Gonna get filled up with more activities soon!

Open your eyes

Turned the lights off, got under the sheets, all ready to go to bed. All the random thoughts brimming in my head forcefully woke me up though.

People. We're all seemingly similar. How can we be so different at times? Regardless of ability, aptitude, personality, behaviour, fears, talents; such huge variations exist. It all seems logical yet strange at the same time, that we're all equipped with the same things - hands, legs, brains, etc, but just so different from one another. Why can't I be like him/her/them?

On an unrelated note, I'm sure everyone have had this thought - "I have no idea why but I just dislike that person." I pick up bad vibes, develop distaste for a person, usually upon observation through first impression. It's fairly easy to alter my thoughts on a certain person thereafter, but I've realised that they hardly change. Contradicting as it seems, my judgemene on people are rarely wrong. After all, there must have been a reason for me to feel the way I felt - maybe by the way he/she projects him/herself, facial expressions, words they choose to use, so on and so forth. However, if they prove me wrong, I'll think "Oh... I was wrong to think that way, he/she is actually not what I thought". I guess I'm sounding really arrogant and cocky right now. Who are you to judge? Oh please, quit acting like a saint. Everyone judges. EVERYONE. Just whether you're keeping it to yourself, letting it out, phrasing it nicely, or putting it bluntly.

Thinking about all these, I guess there must be people around who thinks about me this way too. I have no idea why, but I just dislike Alyssa. There must be. I guess I must be pretty unlikeable. Somehow or rather. My initial thought was Why? Which part of me would they hate? What would make them people dislike me that much?. Then I thought, no. Feel free to dislike me upon first impression, if that's the judgement I'm given. If you are willing to take a different viewpoint and open up to see who I really am, and you still dislike me, then fine. There must be something about me that irks you. If not, then fuck it, I say. You've got no say.

I guess it's true when they say that sometimes you can feel it, when people dislike you. I think I've grown to not be discerned about all these so much anymore (I know it's not convincing, dedicating an entire entry on this issue, yet saying I don't care. But it's true). What matters the most, would be the people I hold close to my heart.

x

Troublemaker

Sitting right under the aircon vent shivering at work. I obviously know I've to shift away but I simply refuse to, because I'm so used to sitting at that spot. Anywhere else and I don't feel safe. Just discomfort.

I'm led to believe that my life is taking a turn for the worse lately. Permanently short of cash. Got stood up twice for a job interview. No, not gonna reschedule. I'm not going back. The experience made me feel like I'm just another speck of insignificant dust in the universe. I don't wanna give anyone the opportunity to make me feel this small ever again. Got so pissed I kinda sobbed on the phone to M while eating wanton noodles alone. Almost died while learning driving. Not that I was a road hazard. I accelerated when the green arrow lit up, but this motor dashed out of no where. Thank god for brakes, I thought. AND FUCK YOU, MORON WHO DIDNT FOLLOW THE TRAFFIC RULES. You might not wanna live BUT IM ONLY 20 AND I DON'T PLAN TO DIE JUST YET. Not before I earn millions and marry TOP(delusional fan girl moment but you get the gist)! At work but I don't even hav a cent in my wallet to get food. I thought I was going on survive on cereals and yogurt (and shiver even more. You don't have a choice when you don't have money, do you?) but thank goodness my money is with clemmy and he's able to come over to pass me the cash. HURRAY TO THAT!!! I can't imagine not eating a single proper meal in a day. Also, I need a personal assistant. Agreed to takeover my colleague. FULL SHIFT (meaning 11am to 10pm). Then i realized Cherlyn's birthday celebration was TODAY, instead of 25th. I don't know what to say about myself sometimes. Ridiculously dumb and out of it sometimes.

& so I'm just staring at the aunties from the store opposite pile on (delicious looking) breads (of a wide variety) (that I love) (and want to eat) (but have no money to buy) and that makes me feel really hungry. And sad. Now I know how the malnourished third world kids feel. IM SORRY WO ZHI CUO LE. I'll save up. And I'll finish up all my food (kinda already doing that now. I actually finish my own food AND take other people's. So I guess that's that.)

Alright bye. Back to staring into blank space and feeling cold.
X

Midnight city

Current nails. Color not true to the picture though. More like a neon orange/coral in real life. Really like the pink in the picture though!

Love this pair of shorts but I think it doesn't fit me well + it was pretty pricey.

Celebrated dx's birthday on Tuesday.

Made a birthday card (more like birthday paper) that was really ugly. Oh well. Tried to do like baroque borders but failed. They just look like a bunch of distorted withering leaf-wannabes.

The food was very much disappointing, except for the all day breakfast. Haven't tried their desserts though.

Ended the day with beer by the river and cake from TCC. Blew out imaginary candles hahahaha.

OOTD. Craze over blazers and bralets/bustiers!

Butter Factory's Taste Me with a bunch of people I love.

Freeflow jägerbombs, tequila shots and applesourz shots! Isn't butter just awesome ;) Orange belvedere from some random person (honestly I'm starting to believe that free drinks are attainable as long as you open your mouth hahaha), and I-forgot-what from some random jug that Yanjie nudged me to drink from. Also did beer bong omg the rush of awesomeness. Almost got wasted but with the help of Nuan and strong willpower (hahaha) I sobered up pretty quick. Didn't even go into the dance floor, but had fun with my girls :) Felt kinda sad and worried the whole time 'cos I wasn't with BBG Estelli though. Spent some time at FASH towards the end & IT WAS THE BEST. My girls didn't understand and they were all like "the music here sucks lah" but I was like "HELL YEAH MY KIND OF MUSIC". I guess we can't agree on everything afterall... In all, helluva fun night ^^ okay need to stop going on and on about the trivial stuff.

Making fun of Clemmy's cock hair (and I just realised how wrong this sentence sounds after typing it).

Showering kisses to my girlies! ^^

xx ;)