Grandma lost her battle to the cancer.

We saw it coming, but I never thought she would deteriorate that quickly. I make it a point to go home every week. From the day I went home and realized she was losing weight and had yellow skin, to the day where she got hospitalized, to the day where she laid in bed not being able to move much but only breathe, to the day she stopped breathing - everything went way too fast.

When I received the call that she was showing signs that she was going to leave soon, I could only blame myself for not devoting enough time for her and for the family. Guilt. Regrets.

I remember at the hospital, she told me to eat more bakkwa because she knows that I liked it. She held my hand so tight.

Back at home she told me she wanted me to get married some day, to a good man, and that she wished me and Lester all the best. She wanted me to succeed in my life.

On her last day on earth I fed her with ice cream, and she could still enjoy ice cream.

But yet, just a sleep after, she was gone.

Stopped breathing. How could a person who was just speaking to me, still opening her eyes, still talking to me, still enjoying her ice cream, be dead just after one sleep? How could she be possibly gone just because she stopped breathing?

I stared at her chest for movement, and I for a moment I thought "SHE IS BREATHING. SHE IS ALIVE.", but it was just the wind, blowing on the blanket that was covering her body. Her toes were turning purple and just she laid there, oddly still.

Thankfully though, she left the world without much pain, with a smile on her face, despite the illness.

7 days of mourning seems like what was needed for the family. I was just worried for my dad more than anyone else. My heart ached for this man, who has never shed a single tear, cried as he held onto his mother.

My dad is the strongest man I know, the most filial son who would do anything for his mother, and also a man that I respect the most. & I could only tell him that I am here, that he has us, but I know that nothing would help with the pain he was experiencing as he lost the one that he loved the most.

The other day I burst into tears in Lester's room and cried non-stop. Nothing could stop it. & I felt bad that Lester felt so helpless, but honestly his was comforting enough for me. I could never cry in front of my parents, I wouldn't want to make them worry when they need my support. I could only cry to Lester, and that is my only outlet. Also, my mom told me this happens when Grandma is near to visit. I hope she is doing well in Heaven. She hates being lonely and I wish she has the company of kind souls.

I am so thankful for Lester - he checks up on me, he makes it a point to come to the funeral when he's free. He drove me home knowing that I couldn't as we rushed back to see her one last time. He was there for me and gave me so much strength.

& also friends like Ahmeh, who kept texting me to ask if I'm okay, and even came down to the wake with Steph Gloria and Chin even though I didn't ask them to. I really appreciate their kind gestures and it's really more than I could ask for from anyone.

Shenghui too, whom so kindly offered to pay respects. It was really nice of him to ask and show concern for my family. & yet I didn't even know when his grandfather passed a year ago. Not many would go that far, and I'm thankful that he did.

Life has been a rough patch. But, I could only move on.

Realizing that I'm not the only one facing the same issue is somewhat reassuring, though I really hope that nobody suffers the same thing as I am.

This more or less sums my day up -
"The final talk Ms Carol gave to the Modern Jazz class was so awakening: the different phases a dancer goes through that affects growth. The start>pure joy>learning>disappointment and resilience vs confidence and arrogance>picking things back up vs giving up. Always stay humble and remind yourself why you started dancing in the first place - find the connection between you and dance. But I do realize it's easier said than done. & maybe she failed to mention "jadedness".

I want to get out of this trench.

But for now, HP4103 and HP4102 to tackle.
Leggo.

Sit and cry

I spent about an hour or so bawling my eyes out to Lester about how alone I feel when I dance these days.
I don't fight for anything at all.
Just feel really lethargic, and yes, alone.

I've lost the drive and I really don't know what and who I can fight for anymore.

I don't even know when this sudden loneliness engulfed me but I think it just did.
I say I'm jaded but am I really, because if I were I would care less.

He said it's time I fight for myself, question myself what I want for myself.

But I don't even know.

What do I want?

Life and Losses

Why do people live only to die in the end?

Fat Grandma is diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer, terminal. 3 to 9 months left.

She's not even fat anymore. She lost a lot of weight and her skin is yellow - toxin build up. The doctors can't even cure her because her body wouldn't be able to take the treatment. I knew her memory was starting to fail her, I knew she started to have some very weird pet peeves she never had before her eye surgery, but I didn't expect her to get diagnosed with cancer, not after her diabetes was miraculously gone. There weren't even symptoms, it developed so suddenly and rapidly.

It pained me to see tubes poked right through her flesh, her whining to me that it's painful, saying "When can I go home?" "But I don't smoke and drink..." "But I drink plenty of water each day" "Don't cry for me I'm fine".

I ought to be home more often.

From that young dependent girl whom she doted on to that girl who barely returns home in a month - I don't know what I'll feel if she's gone.

I want her okay.

Stagnated

Can't seem to sleep. Had a long day, starting off with choreoing for CP, to Koharu's class, to Osch recital prac. Very inspired but also at the same time feeling jaded - the irony of it.

I have came to the conclusion that I have stagnated. I think I'm not pushing myself hard enough.

Haven't been doing conditioning since the end of S24. Haven't been feeling the hunger to improve either. Just been dancing to dance. Does that make sense? I don't feel like pushing. Actually, I think I am such a person - lazy in all aspects.

The world is filled with fake ass bitches and shit and it can get really tiring. Some people are just annoying on first look lol I can't even explain it.

Feeing stressed out for school too. I haven't been doing anything.

Ahhhhh I need to breathe.

I feel so grossed out watching myself dance ugh

Support, Love, and a little bit of Pixiedust

I didn't want to join this year's battle - admittedly, I am really afraid of freestyling and I try my best to avoid it discreetly. Thoughts like "Give it a try" "What sort of dancer are you if you can't freestyle" do cross my mind, but more often than not I fall back into my comfort zone, because I like it there.

I was not Lester's first option when it came to choosing his battle partner either. He wanted to pair up with Chin. But Chin had already paired up with Candice. & I had a very strong feeling that he would never pick me as his partner. I hate to say this, but we don't work exactly well when it comes to dance. Yes we do have chemistry, and we support each other when they are separate things, but when it comes to working on a single thing we end up squabbling quite a bit just because we are so straightforward with our thoughts. & I know that I'll always be the weaker one when it comes to dance capabilities. It doesn't upset me that often because it is reality, but sometimes I think to myself - "When will I be worthy enough for him to view me as an equal". Maybe it's just me being sensitive or it's a one-sided thing. He encourages me, give me courage, and tells me I'm better than I think. But deep down inside I know that the differences exist. Some things you can just feel, instead of them being said.

Okay so the point of it is, he actually chose me, out of everyone else, to be his battle partner (although second to Chin but how to compare right). & he did mention "nobody else to partner with already also what", but I'm still thankful that he chose me. & if it wasn't him who pushed me, I don't think I would have battled this year. Because I was finding so many excuses to push freestyling away, psychoing myself into believing that there is nothing wrong with just being a "studio dancer" (btw, a mediocre one).

He told me that he couldn't join the battle halfway through because of other commitments. I heaved a huge sigh of relief. But he managed to shake that commitment off and we had to join again. I felt very conflicted and struggled with this piece of news. All he said was "Uncomfortable don't join lor. Scared don't try lor." Beneath that snide remark I know that all he wanted was to push me, as if saying "Don't be ridiculous and humji la just do it can".

He was so busy we didn't even have time to do tags. We did it on the battle day itself, and we took like 10 minutes to come up with it. It was fun being stupid together.

I know he was super nervous and excited about the battle itself. But when knew I was struggling with the whole anxiety and stress, he constantly constantly gave me support and carried me through the entire battle with his words of reassurance and hugs. To feel him believing in me meant the whole world to me, & I feel so thankful for him.

He believed in me when I didn't believe in myself.

3 years of battling (all 3 times without sessioning or practicing for freestyle - just go out there and throw face only), I no longer feel stagnant. This year I understand my body a little better, my movements. But I know I am still unable to translate my thoughts into solid movements. It was frustrating for me, but I could only blame it on my own laziness or refusal to try. I knew what I wanted to do, but when I went out on the battle ground my mind is a blank and I'm only moving barely on sheer will. I felt disappointed in myself.

But comparing my first two years to this year, at least I knew what I wanted. I had an intention, I had an aim. I know what I don't know, and I know what I can or cannot do. It's a tiny step forward, but it is a step. I realize now, the importance of sessioning, of building muscle memory, of nailing transitions and musicality. All these which I knew I could work on but did not.

Also, very proud of my comrades. Ahmeh, who did so well. Very proud of her improvements within these short few months. Having the will really makes a difference. Hazri, who braved it and yolo-ed in the end despite Yan not being able to make it. Yan, whom I know would have did so well if she were to be there, and I know she wanted to. I hope everything is going well for her. Chin, who showed me even Gods do have their fears. Unsurprisingly, he did well as usual. Steph Gloria Wenqi Ahlian Jianbin, batchies, etc, all stepping up and improving so much. Juniors, who were all so amazing and daring. So much to learn from them. Jinghan, who showed his support all the way from USA. I wish Ken and Fel could have battled. I miss seeing Fel at MJ and I know both of them would have killed it. I wish Aizah was here with us, fighting through this. Ahlian, Ahmeh, Steph, Jo, Zan, Kelmond, Ken, Qiaoyi, Hazri, Shaz, Lester, and some others who I might have missed out who all knew that I was nervous to a point I went speechless and went numb all over my body, and gave me strength through their supportive words. 

So much thoughts I don't even know what else to say. But I'm thankful for MJ, thankful for these angels in my life, thankful for this experience.

Dance is a gift that brings people together. I felt that yesterday once again. Because of dance I live. I love MJ!

Defeated

End of Kpop Tuesdays and Fridays with BDSS! I'm really glad there's no longer 745am classes because THOSE ARE THE ULTIMATE ZOMBIFIERS. I feel so lethargic the rest of the day.

It was a really fun experience, and I'm glad the students grew along with our guidance.

A setback though, was my lesson with APS. I feel so defeated. I thought I came up with the perfect solution for the group of students I was supposed to handle. They were supposed to come up with a showcase, but most of them don't dance NOR sing. So I had an idea that I thought would work. But nothing seems to be working. As an educator I told myself to keep my energy levels high, and just keep pushing. But how do you really push a wall? If they are unwilling to move, what am I supposed to do then? Knock them down?

I'm at my wits end. I really want to do my job well. I want to see them come out of their shells. But I'm having a bit of trouble with that.

I'm going to go on rainymood, play some ballads on 8tracks, and coop up in my room with the fairylights on.

#burritomode

Stay with me

I have so much going on in my mind today. I have no idea what got over me.

Maybe watching Lion City Throwdown made me realize how much of a cooped up dancer I am, so incompetent of stepping out of my comfort zone.

Maybe SUAD vetting made me think of the one we had two years back, where I felt just happy dancing alongside my friends.

Maybe listening to "The Call" by Backstreet Boys made me think back on Flava days, which was so much of a struggle as a fresh dancer, yet so genuine and fun.

Truth is, nobody will stay forever. People come and go. & yet it took me 3 years to realize this. I wish those batch mates that I once spent so many good times with, once created great memories and milestones with, could still be fighting the same war with me. Yet, everyone has their own war to fight. & nobody is to blame - just cruel reality. Reality means decisions. Decisions means sacrifices. Forgoing this for that, losing bits and pieces from one to build up on something else.

That's what I am too, isn't it? I've drifted apart from my closest girlfriends, my family, my academics, all in the name of dance. Time and time again I ask "Why do I even do this? What do I do this for?". & it has been 3 years. 3 years, stuck in this cycle of questioning, but still going back to it time and time again. It's like a addiction you can't kick.

People make decisions, and have different priorities. & I've learnt to respect that. I'll love the ones who stay, and thank those who left for the difference they've made in my life. You can never turn back time, no one could. So many times I look around me and feel so lonely even though I'm surrounded by a studio filled with people. But I'm learning to cope with that.

Why do I stick around? Beats me too. Maybe because I don't belong anywhere else.

I got scared just thinking about how EVERY SINGLE decision you make you in your life leads you to where you are getting to next. & that's why I hate to make decisions. Because I know I am responsible for what comes after. I wish I made better choices. But mistakes make us grow.

I miss those days where I don't think so much - just dancing because I enjoy it, because I have my friends dancing with me.

& so what if you start somewhere new? You never know who's true to you. I've heard too many scary things. People like to talk shit. Some of which angers me so much. I'm no saint, but sometimes people judge too much.

The point is... I actually don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just feel sad that the only constant is change.

I wish everyone whom I cared about could stay.

I've not felt such anger in a long while. This coming from the one I love is extremely disappointing and hurtful. This goes to show how much you care. Bag of lies and bullshit.

My shoulders are so tense when I dance + I don't breathe when I dance UGH so irritated watching myself dance Y U SO UGLY

Counting down 3 days to the end of my extended internship!

I'm starting to lose drive because I feel so so worn out with all the work to do, all the overwhelming dance practices, the thought of school reopening, not spending enough time with the boyfriend, etc.

I'm dancing everyday, from Monday to Sunday. It feels like year one once again.

I don't know how I landed myself into all these commitments yet again. I just know that I can't neglect my studies this time round, because it's not just me, I'm doing FYP with YJ and Clem and I cannot let them handle everything by themselves again.

I'm really excited for O School recital, especially. It's the first recital that I've tried auditioning for. I'm really thankful to get into Fredy's Street Jazz, although I would have preferred Hiphop because I really feel like staying away from Street Jazz for a bit. Still, I really am glad that I even got into any of the items. Among all these, there's Danzpeople recital (which I haven't attended any practices yet), preparing for Nemesis's concept video, prepping junior team for ABCD (oh gosh), all the random shows (NTU Fest, Hall 8 SP Night, Alumni Night), teaching dance part-time in schools, SUAD practices, Lester's temple performance, and suddenly having to perform an extra item when I was originally supposed to just coach Lester's sisters and their friends for an item. With all these on my shoulders, I have almost no time for anyone at all.

Just recently, I had to give up meeting two groups of friends who matter to me - my 2 JC cliques.
I feel absolutely bad for canceling on them, because I did look forward to meeting them. But I just can't shake my commitments off.

It's really moments like these I ask myself what the hell am I doing to myself and what are all these for.

Also, I feel like I can't dance. Been having self-esteem issues lately. & my fitness is deteriorating, which means dancing like a nuaballz. Ugh damn sian. Lousy piece of shit.

I can't even get over my own inadequacies but have to mentor others now oh god no this is one hell of a leap of faith zzzzzz

GIVE ME TIME!!!! I NEED MORE TIME

Resorting to spamming cute animal videos to stop the tears. Not working.

I hate this.

I need a getaway. Perhaps alone. I don't wish to expend energy making people understand anymore, even to my closest ones. I'm really tired of emotions.

Where were you when I needed you most? Where were you? I obviously don't matter anymore. & it's just gonna get worse from here.

Is history repeating itself? Maybe I'm bound to this fate.

累了 真的什麼都不想想 什麼都不想管了。

Rushing my work that I procrastinated. I deserve this fatigue. Ugh I'm gonna die.

Feeling kind of like this, lately.

Light at the end of the tunnel. Yes.
(On a side note, I really adore The National)

I don't really know what to do or know where I am anymore

"You keep thinking about others, but who would think for you? No one would." - A wise friend dropped this on me like a bomb, but this is the harsh reality. I don't know if I did the right thing.

I guess my emotions always get ahead of me. Maybe what I need a steel heart now but... I don't know where this is going to get me and I guess that's my weakness. I thought I was ready for the world, but maybe I'm not.

Walls

I wish I had my walls up. I wish I had them with me. So I wouldn't get hurt. All I wanted was some understanding. My heart ached so badly and I couldn't stop crying. I guess I am that detestable. They say the people you place closest to your heart are the ones who hurt you the most. Nothing truer than that. I wish I had my walls up. I wish I had them with me. So I wouldn't get hurt.

Trade off.

The best days

Spent my Saturday night to Sunday morning nursing the boyfriend who was going through a Pukefest, which made us miss the Beerfest. I cried so badly while taking care of him because I felt so much heartache from all the pain he was going through. He pushed me and I fell and I ran after him around his estate barefoot I cleared his puke I got bruised I made 2 trips around the neighbourhood to get him food and drinks I stayed up the entire night and fell asleep on the sofa. It was such a rough night and I could not stop blaming myself for what happened to him but I'm just glad he's alive and well. I made him promise me he'll never drink so much again. Intoxication is no joke.

I'm glad he woke up feeling better. We just spent the day lazing around together, showing appreciation, enjoying each other's presence. & that feeling was gold. I wouldn't want my life any other way.

Midday angst

SO IRRITATED!!! DAMN ELITIST AND SUCK UP MAXIMUM OMG CANNOT HANDLE. PLEASE?! STOP LAH OIE. DISGUSTING SHIT.

Been going through a crash in mood the past 2 days. I'm upset about everything and especially at myself. I hate where I am now. So much shit crashing on me. Everything's not going well. On the verge of tears every minute. Fuck.

Believe

With all my heart.

This club gave me so much, to mould me into who I am today. Without MJ, life would not be the same. I found so many great people through MJ, people that I know I can rely on for life. I've learnt so much thus far. True enough, there are moments I question why I hold on, when I actually feel very lonely at times - people leaving, people not sharing the same vision as I do, people not being grateful. But I did, because there are people who believe in the same thing as me, there are people who push me on when I feel like giving up, there are people who inspire me from time to time, and there are people who walk along with me. Candice, especially. She's been through everything with me through this whole journey. I'm getting a little emotional typing this post and tearing up like a wuss omg haha I didn't expect myself crying at all. Just, really, I'm so thankful for everything MJ has given me.

Last night, at the super 24 arena, I felt so much MJ pride bursting within me. Not just because of the placing, although that gave everything an extra boost - a confirmation of our efforts, an announcement to the world that MJ means something, that MJ can be awesome, that MJ is not just "safe", that MJ is stepping up our game. When Major Crew was announced defender of 2nd, and even when we were pushed down to 3rd place, I felt so much pride! Besides all these things, I saw everyone fighting, pushing, trying so hard to improve, to be their best. That alone meant so much.

& I'm thankful to have people who stuck through with me through this entire thing. People who believed that MJ could make it. I had my doubts too, I won't deny it. I was scared. But Shaz and Hazri had faith in me, faith in us. It feels super SHIOK (no better word) to know that people are on the same page as you, fighting TOGETHER. 

We have lost people along the way - I have lost so many comrades whom I thought would stick with me through everything, and they have their valid reasons to. It's disheartening at times, and I cry, sulk in the shower over it at times because I feel so much pity and heartache, as much as I pretend that it's okay. I wish they would come back to this big family and share that same fight one day. A family will always be a family.

I'm a little sad that Majestique didn't get into top 5, because I thought we might have stood a chance. That being said, I know Majestique made our mark in our own way yesterday. There are times I think "What if I chose Major Crew, what if insisted" - I am envious of their win, because I want to win too. My entire dance journey with MJ, I've never "won" anything. But heck, who says it's all about winning?! When I think of things like that I want to slap myself. Why did I dance - to enjoy it. Yes, I am hungry to improve, to strive, to win, but I have to see past all the placings and judging and see what I actually took away from the whole thing. I know I achieved something individually through Majestique. It did push me. Besides, this team is such a great team, I love how everyone is so awesome and fun! I love Majestique and I would do it with Majestique again if I could. :)

Just gotta strive harder, and improve, yet not overly stress myself out with expectations.

Can't wait to see MJ push ourselves further. I know we got this. I know I got this.

NTU MJ!!!!

xoxo

Wear and Tear

You know how you buy a new phone and swear to yourself you are never going to drop it, never going to get a scratch on it, never going to remove the protective cover. You do so for maybe a month, and then you forget how precious it used to be, how new it was, how you swore upon the whole universe that it'll be unlike any other previous phones. You get the first scratch, you drop it for the first time. & it hurt. Then you think to yourself, "Ah, it's okay. I'll take better care of it". Then it gets another scratch, drops on the ground for a couple of other times, and you think to yourself, "It's already scratched, anyway."

This applies to so many things.

Negligence.

The worst thing is when you don't realize that it is happening.

& then one day, that phone, once brand new, just stops functioning.

Internship

Just concluded the third week of internship. I feel like I've been in the company forever. It is kind of draggy. That aside, I would say that some aspects of my internship is indeed fun.

I know very clearly which parts of the job I like, and which I don't. I guess my favourite part would be to physically head down to schools and see overview programmes' implementations. Totally eye-opening, enriching, inspiring. Some moments, I get so motivated to become an educator, although I know it'll be insanely difficult. It's so important to make a difference, and I can see how every small action or word can impact a student. Seeing positive feedback and seeing happy faces makes me feel like we need more of these fun learning opportunities for children.

I also see the cracks that exist in our system, and the people who fall through those cracks. Someone needs to pull them up, mend the cracks, push them onto the right path. I do respect teachers who respect their profession, who respect their students and take pride in their jobs. I've seen many teachers teach for the sake of doing it, like there's no other choice for them. It's pretty disheartening. But I've also seen great teachers who have drive. & you could tell with one glance. I wish there are more great teachers out there. Good teachers make a huge impact, but bad teachers often don't realise how they can ruin a child's life.

I've also seen the disparity between neighbourhood schools and elite schools. It's so glaringly apparent it hurts. This week I got to visit one neighbourhood school, followed by an elite school, back to back. Both institutes aim to educate, but the teachers are so different, the students are so different. Everything is so different. & it made me feel sad that often, we can't escape the influence of affluence.

That, is the hard truth, staring right back at me.

It's ironic that I, who can find no drive in studying, am saying all these things. I guess to me, results don't mean the whole world. But I do know that some day, I want to make a difference to people's lives.

Speaking of results, I didn't fare too well this semester, as of many previous semesters. I just hope I can keep things this way. No intentions of pulling my class up - it's near impossible. I'll just the remaining 2 years of my uni life studying sufficiently, and developing more in other areas. Afterall, academics are not everything, no?

Alien Adventures

I had plenty of fun making this video! Wanderlust acting up though. I miss traveling, being carefree.

Viscosity

Lots of pent up emotions and so I went a lil bonkers today, crying to the boyf over all sorts of shit stuff that isn't even his fault.

Been feeling weird for 3 days already, I don't know how it happened. My trip to Oschool on Friday was fun, yet I went home with a lot of doubts. I wouldn't say that I don't know that my control is bad, but besides that... I don't DANCE. I'm too controlled by my fear and others' judgement. I'm too afraid of being sucky at something. Yeah performance, routines, those that I can go over and over, I'll be more confident. But I lack that one thing that makes a whole lot of difference - I'm afraid to be free. I'm afraid of how I'll look, I worry, I overthink, I don't know my identity. I've been struggling for a long time and now I'm just reminded of it again.

Then came SDD Finals. It was amazing to watch, and it was extremely inspiring (I really enjoyed Freezky Bots, Elders, Flair Origins, and 4 13 that night). Yet I get so aware of how big the stage in - not the physical size, but how much it really takes to be on that stage and own it. It takes YEARS, it takes hardwork, it takes basics, it takes character, it takes RESILIENCE. I mean just look at Flair Origins, they are the perfect example. & I feel so distant from that stage. Even further, now that I've tried for it, and failed.

Today, MJ got a rare opportunity to take Shaun Evaristo's private class. It was, what I feel, a very needed session of exploration for MJ, for me. Reminds me of the contemp classes and space awareness workshops I've taken in the past, just a whole lot more inspiring. It's amazing how he sees movement, and how he embodies that with such true devotion. I wonder how much time he spent in his LIFE to achieve what he became today. Such an artistic individual, and also a veryvery sincere mentor. I got really irked when some of the dancers started joking about his exercises I mean, really. Feeling stupid is okay, because we're uncomfortable. But ACTING stupid to overcome the awkwardness is so... Disrespectful. Some were even seniors. Ugh okay that aside. Explore, open up. Unlock your body, be aware of every muscle. It's easier said than done. It'll take so much time.

What is dance exactly? I'm getting confused and I keep asking myself the same question over and over.

I dance because I feel good dancing. But as my relationship with dance progressed, it became a commitment. And with every commitment, it takes greater effort. & now it's more than enjoyment. It's hard to get back to level 0 because things are just different now. When I move I no longer just move without overthinking. & that's my problem. I need to be free, like how I used to be. I want to be free. But it is a huge huge struggle for me.

I don't even know if all of these are worth it anymore. I want to be better but... I'm weak. I don't know if I have enough mental strength to push myself anymore. I'm a little weary.

I want a crew. I used to think FLaVa would dance together forever. I wanted it to. I want a crew, I do.

When you go deeper into something, you realise so many things you NEVER did. & things just get complicated. Just like relationships. (Shaun Evaristo mentioned in class today that dancing is a relationship. At that moment I was like WHOA am I a genius, I thought of the same thing as Shaun. Although he meant relationships with external elements like the floor and people around. But wow I thought of the exact same sentence as Shaun. Okay this makes no sense forget it.)

I'm excited for my internship that starts tomorrow, yet I'm dreading it. I mean, my finals just ended. I honestly did not have enough time for myself nor my friends and family. But I guess this is the reality that I have to wake up to. The first four weeks is gonna be INSANE, clashing with s24 practices. It'll be the first time I don't get to see Lester almost everyday (clingy girlfriend alert) but I'll really miss being around him.

Ah I'm just really, having major mood swings right now.

Fuck it FUCK EVERYTHING

Valentine's

Here's a short on on our Valentine's!

(Watch it in HD for best results)

I need time to sort through my thoughts.

Actually

I really like groovy, old school hip hop. Okay not really like the OLD OLD OLD school, but new school groovy maybe? & swag. I really do. & it's kinda sad I'm naturally assumed as more "girl's style" well I guess I really am but

I... really like doing hip hop leh. :(

Random thought. But no, I like girls' style. A LOT too. Just that I kinda like them both and people like to assume I only like doing girls' style hahahaha.

I am aware liking something doesn't equate to being better at it. So... I will try to be more Hiphop, and go for more Hiphop classes after exams!

Yo yo yo.

I haven't even showered because I'm too tired to drag my heavy ass to the bathroom. I'm so tired I'm on the verge of tears all the time omg it's like I'm suffering from permanent PMS can you imagine how bad that is. Seriously, I'm suffocating so badly, but just give me a moment to escape. 'Cos once I step out of the shower I know I have to sew my SDD costume, I know I have to study, and I know tomorrow will come when I finally sleep and force myself to wake up in the morning knowing that both my first paper AND SDD prelims would be on that very day.

Give me time to take all these in.

& really, the feedback for our routine weren't all that great. I don't want to pull the team down. Right now I really want it, I want us to enter finals. There, I said it. I'll be really sad if we don't.

ARGH OK. TIME TO MAN THE FUCK UP AND FACE REALITY, ONE THING AT A TIME.

CHIONG!

I honestly have no idea how I'm gonna stand on the stage coming Saturday because the just the thought of it is giving me the shivers. My entire mind is about the competition. Who am I kidding omg trying to balance exams and sdd at the same time there is only so much cognitive resources I have my mind is wandering so much.

Okay gonna force myself to focus. Coffee round 2 let's go.

Warmth

Yesterday was one of the happiest days I've been as of late. I spent the day studying, and had a long dance practice. The boyfriend popped by halfway with bags of delish food (although I told him to get them) smth waited for us to finish practice before eating with us. There and then I felt so so blessed. He always gives. Although he's tired from mentoring his own SDD group and school work he still made it a point to wait up for me. He looked at me and said he was proud of me, and it meant the whole world to me. Could only tear up like an idiot and hug him. I want to make him feel proud, I really do. & what followed was a night of pillow talk which lasted through 5am until we both unknowingly fell asleep. He can be such an asshole sometimes and may be unromantic in the sense he doesn't do fancy things, but in reality moments like those are all I need to feel loved. "Why are you so plagued with insecurities?", he said, "haven't I done enough to love you?". I have no idea but it's the first time I'm so so afraid to lose someone, even I know this irrational fear isn't helping us at all. I think it's because I really have no idea why he's okay with sticking to someone like me - whiny, frustratingly stupid, mega insecure, protective, stubborn, etc. & he means that much to me to make me lose my sanity hahaha. I'm just thankful for him sticking around though I can rly get way overboard sometimes. I'm truly blessed.

Not just love from Lester, but so many other people. Candice, Aizah, Yanyan, Fel, Jo, Steph, Gloria, telling me that I can and reassuring me all the time, Yoga who's always buying food for us and boys from Mady Jay, Ziang who pops by sometimes and gives us comments, all the boyfriends of Nemesisters, love from MJ in general, Clement Yihua for listening to me whine all the time while I have to skip project meetings sometimew, my parents for being so understanding, all these love of all sorts. I don't even think I deserve them but I'm lucky be given all these.

I'm feeling the nerves for SDD, which is less than a week away. The reality of it never sunk in until two days back. It's real. I would've pushed the thought of it away so simply then but now it feels so real, kind of overwhelming, like a sandstorm or a tsunami waiting to swallow me up. I can't believe I'll be standing on that stage that I could only think about, for I have always been too afraid to dream. But I'll be standing on it for real the coming Saturday. I don't feel completely ready, but I could feel how everyone was pushing during last night's prac. It's quite heartwarming, thinking about how we even came together, and how I was such a random addition to the crew. I cannot afford to hold back or be afraid anymore. I can't allow fear to eat me up. Oh my God, panic attack!!!!!!! Fuck.

ah ok calm down.

Also, saw on Yanyan's instagram - "good things don't come to people who wait, but to people who fight for it and never give up." I couldn't agree more. And that's just life. People have different starting points and life is never fair, but you just have to fight long enough and if you want it bad enough and give enough, it will come to you because you EARNED it.

Milestone

I procrastinated a bit before finally editing the footage of our 1st Anniversary date. I insisted on filming that day, although he felt weird about it, because I know it's something I would want to reminisce about some day. Here goes!

Weighing scale

If embarking on this journey meant  drifting apart from my loved ones, harming people around me, changing dynamics, I kinda wished I didn't start it at all. For now I'll just blame it on "I didn't know better."

In the end

In the end it'll just be me, alone. I am hiding in a fortress that is likely to collapse. & if anyone's getting hurt it will be me.

Someone rid this feeling off me.

Strange clouds

It was the last MJ class on Thursday & I felt really empty. Not because people are leaving, but because people are leaving and yet I don't feel much when I know I ought to. Looking at the juniors batches being so bonded just makes me feel a little jealous because I know I'll never have a close-knitted batch. I don't get the exact reason either, but it's just what it is. It has always been this way. Not like I didn't make any effort (e.g. creating batch whatsapp group) but it's doesn't take just one person. & to be honest, it's kinda too late.

I don't blame my batch mates or anyone. I mean, it's just like that. & I'm just upset that I don't have a bunch of people who really push together. By push, I don't mean to just appear for classes but to want something together. Look at the current juniors, they're all so hungry to improve and they fight to make it happen. I mean, true, there's always a flip side to the coin. You could have quarrels and form cliques and be overly competitive yada yada. But a dance club bonds through the passion to dance. & if that's absent I don't see where the bond would come from. I mean, my batch never quarreled or did anyone had issues with anyone, but we aren't close either.

:( just feeling rly sad because I'm not supposed to feel that way. In my ideal it isn't.

Floatingggg wob bee dee bop

So,

I had a lengthy conversation with my k44 girls a few nights back after catching JDC. It helped me understand a bit of why I'm feeling this sense of emptiness lately when it comes to MJ. The things we held on to, are eventually disappearing. & as much as we all want to, most of us don't have a choice. Knowing I'm not alone in this makes me feel that tiny bit better, but why is this even happening then? One thing I'm glad of, is that whatever happens, I have these girls with me. & like what ahmeh said, our friendship started off from dance, but it has grown so much beyond dance itself. :') I really don't know what is gonna happen in the near future in the course of our dance story, but we'll take one step at a time.

Watching JDC made me feel so freaking proud of Lester.


THIS. It may not be super clean, but look at what he created (together with Steph of course, who is equally awesome), this amazing masterpiece. I don't think I'll ever get there. & looking at how he first choreographed for Srethgie's baojingtian, to Abuse item, to Danzation Fantasy segment, to Srethgie Wujilai, to this JDC. He's already amazing from the start, but he kept growing. I guess it has been a good year for him, plenty of opportunities and plenty of breakthroughs. I feel so ultra proud of him. Not just how he thinks of choreography or visuals, but how he handles things. He is always grateful, always sincere, always passionate, always 100% committed, always humble, always striving, always calm. He's my number one inspiration + role model. :')

Also, it made me feel really jealous. Of the opportunities we never had as freshies. I think it would have made a huge difference. I keep asking myself why our batch isn't tight. & there are plenty of reasons, but I guess how we started was one of them. I'm always jealous of the juniors batches. I mean, even our senior batches. All of them are so close. I recall two years back when I first joined MJ, the graduating batch huddled together and some of them even cried. Next Thursday is the last MJ class for this academic year. I'm not even sure if the graduating batch would feel anything leaving the club, because I don't think MJ even matters much for the most of them. But yet you can't blame them. Most of them don't get the recognition, the encouragement, the right platform. & when I think about this, who am I to complain that I'm floating? I feel thankful for the chances I've ever gotten thus far.

& besides dance issues, idk why, but I've been struggling the past few days. A lot has been going through my mind. As a possessive girlfriend, I want him to myself. But yet I know he'll do an amazing job if he gets to handle MJ. All I need is some reassurance from him, but I never seemed to be the first choice when it comes to discussion of this very important issue.

Many things have been scarring my heart lately. Like yesterday and this morning. I just feel so disgusted with myself. Just freaking grow up and be more independent already. Stop getting hurt over the tiniest shit. I knew what I was walking into when I chose to start this, but yet I still ended up being vulnerable, which was what I was terribly afraid of. Should I put up the walls again? Do I have the strength to? & will the walls even do any good? I just hate where I am right now. I feel like I have to wear a mask. & every time you want me to unmask it, I eventually do, but yet you dislike the real me without my mask on. What do I do then? Put on the mask forever, and suffer the cracks beneath alone? Or unmask it and risk the consequences?

M A S K / U N M A S K

Just getting a little... weary.

Well deserving

So I got to talk to a couple of people tonight, and I felt thankful for being part of MJ. It isn't the best club to grow as a dancer in terms of techniques (just being truthful here), nor does every member share the some amount of passion as I do, but it's where I started after all. MJ is where I learn and grow, however little or much it is, MJ is where I met many precious people whom inspire me and given me so so much, MJ is where I develop more than just a dancer but also mature as an individual. I'm just thankful and lucky to be in MJ, as much as I disagree with certain systems, or yearn for change (which I have came to accept that it's just uni lifestyle and it would take a lot to change the current structure).

I just came to realise what people want is really simple - to be recognised for their efforts, however small it may be. & that assumptions can be a killer although I'm guilty of that pretty often. Just random yabbering!

Speaking of which, I've come to think of the past where I didn't have opportunities at all. I wasn't asked for a choreo project even though all my closest friends got asked and they hid it from me just so I won't be upset, I wasn't part of s24 as well even though my friends were and even juniors were. Looking back, I was never anyone's first choice. I was hardly anybody's choice. I simply am not good enough, and as sucky as it is I accepted that.

Now that I have an opportunity, I grabbed it, and leaped towards it. I know very well that I'm a spare tyre, but I gladly took it. When else will I get a chance like that? I get people telling me "why are you in this team?" and it stings from time to time, and it's okay although it stings because even I question myself. Thickskinned, or whatever you call it, I'm don't feel at all ready nor adequate for this, but I'm really tired of not being an option. So as hard as this may get, I'm gonna brainwash myself in whatever way I can, and just fight for it.

And, people don't see that it's hard. All they see is oh aly improved, oh aly is stepping up, but they don't see how long I've been mediocre, been average, been hating going for MJ classes because catching choreo and doing it in groups gives me nerves, and that now even I still am given certain opportunities I am still constantly plagued by inadequacy.

And no, you can continue telling me that you're proud of my improvement and what not but nothing will shake that feeling off.

I want to improve. I want to achieve more through MJ, fight for the same goal with my friends. But now even MJ is splitting apart. I don't know where I belong sometimes and I just feel so empty during thursday classes at times...

I don't understand why. Can someone tell me why.

I don't know when I will ever feel like I deserve this opportunity, or when I can feel half as good as they are. I realise that lately I don't even try anymore, because I just feel so unworthy/that trying wouldn't show any results. But there's only 5 weeks left, I have to make it count. I think I really got myself into some deep shit.

Whirlpool

Feeling really useless and lousy once again. I feel like I don't even belong, like I shouldn't be there. I want to give, but I have no idea how. Lacking in so many ways, and I'm just there to make up the numbers. But negativity aside, I'll just try my best.

Told the boy to pack dinner for me since he was out yesterday. Told him to surprise me and he got me the awesome chocolate cake from P.S Cafe that we both love. Love simple moments like this and I feel really blessed to have him.

Also, HOCC is over. I feel so much less like a ticking timebomb, less like an emotional freak. Hahahahaha. I have so many people to give thanks for, I'm just so thankful to everyone who played a part in this fulfilling journey of mine. Srethgie means so damn much to me!

How is recess week almost over when it just started? Hate school. Grr.

Here I am, sitting all alone in the huge and empty study room, holding back an urge to just break into tears. I don't think I'm strong enough for this. As much as others are pushing, this moment right now, I feel so alone.

The person I'm dying to hear from seems to be interested in something else. & while I try to make things better it's just brushed aside. What more can I do. I just feel useless, helpless, like a loser who's taken for granted.

Is it that hard to just show some appreciation. Or maybe I just really don't have the ability make that much of a difference to your life.

Useless.

Hard times call for strong hearts.

Yesterday was almost unbearable for me. I haven't felt this negative and helpless in a long long while. But as much as I want to escape, I wouldn't. I'd be letting myself down, letting others down. I don't know how I'm going to do it but I want to push through till the end. We are all in a really bad place now, but the only way we can get out of this pit hole, is up. We'll pull each other up.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm clinging on for. But basing on the fact that I am still continuing to fight despite feeling fucked up, this really means something to me. (Cognitive approach of psychology AYYYYYYYY. Finally applying something from the textbooks.)

We hurt each other so much sometimes, and especially during times like this, it hurts. Like crazy. But I know it'll be worth it. Every time we reconcile, I just feel thankful to have you. Thanks for giving in to me. Also, the only way through this is to stand together. So yes, I won't back down.

I'm upset that our valentine's day picnic was canceled due to hall dance issues. Honestly, sometimes hall dance is just too fucked up. It's like ruining my life, sleep, our relationship, friendships, studies, etc. Okay that's besides the point. I was upset, and we both didn't have to mood to go for a picnic anymore. But I'm still glad we got to spend some time together. To take a halt. It was simple and nice.

& the rest of the Srethgie members, the thrash out session was gold. I liked how everyone poured their hearts out, although we were mostly in tears. But at least we felt something, we shared something. & this is enough to motivate me. I just feel very thankful to have Lester, Candice, Gloria. Also, the rest of the members who are all trying their very best to make it work.

Okay time to catch up with work. 2 mid term quizzes on next monday and no where near done.

x

Repent

While I'm trying hard to be sensitive towards others, I guess I tend to forget about hurting the ones closest to me. I am especially harsh and direct towards you, and I guess I forget about being sensitive towards you.

I was just trying to spare a thought for the affected ones, but do I really "treat you like shit" "don't care about how you feel". Every time I try to phrase my words with caution but I guess sometimes when it slips, it slips.

I can't do this, trying to be nice to everyone. I'm no angel. I wish I could give less fucks sometimes but I'm just like that.

Bittersweet.

Just when I feel like everything is getting so dreadful, it also reminded me that everything is coming to an end very soon. Watching Srethgie's full run video filmed last night made me feel a whole universe of emotions. I would have never imagined reaching the current standard a month back. I know I kept convincing myself to believe, but I was honestly just... exasperated and kinda losing hope. Not that we are doing extremely well now, but we are definitely getting somewhere. It just shows that hard work produces results. Feeling motivated to push even more with the team.

This feeling, so bittersweet. This year's definitely ten times more stressful than last year, and being a choreographer is !@#$%^&*. But I'm hoping we'll at least do ourselves proud, and enjoy showcasing OUR piece as a team.

15 days left. Let's do this.

Anger

I'm angry that I can't handle my emotions better. I'm angry that I'm incompetent. I'm angry that I'm dependent. I'm angry that I'm indecisive. I'm angry that I'm not creative enough. I'm angry that I can't help. I'm angry at fate, at luck, at those people who gave up on us, at stupid rules that made things this way. I'm angry that I can't get out of the past. I'm angry that I'm not a good enough friend, team mate, daughter, sister, lover. I'm angry that I'm a procrastinator. I'm angry that I'm weak. I'm angry that I'm vulnerable. I'm angry that I can't keep my life in check. I'm angry that I don't take care of my health and body enough. I'm angry that I'm angry, and that I vent it on people that I love. I'm angry that I'm destructive. I'm angry that I'm a ticking time bomb. I'm angry that I'm helpless. I'm angry over the things I've said. I'm angry at the words unspoken. I'm angry that people hide. I'm angry that people are too direct. I'm angry that there's no peace. I'm angry at everything. I'm angry that I'm not the positive person I used to be. I'm angry that I have to pretend.

I hate myself at this point of time to the core. It's going to last quite a while.

Bread.

Past relationships are like this - when a slice of bread with jam and another slice of bread with peanut butter is made into a sandwich, and when you decided to pry the two slices open - the bread is not longer a jam bread or a peanut butter bread, but one that is tainted. I wouldn't say that it's entirely true, but it's relatable, no?

I'm now a nutella bread that has met my other nutella half. But sometimes, just sometimes, I get reminded that before this, I've tainted other breads. Ugly, dark brown, tainted traces of nutella. The guilt swallows me whole. And I too, get reminded that however small they may be, I'm tainted with jam and peanut butter. & the taste of it is awful. I regret it.

And for even thinking about all this, I hate myself. Why dwell on peanut butters and jams when you are happy with the nutella you have? Let it go, they've been long enough. It's not like I'm not over those things. It's really not. But I just have moments where I hate myself for certain things that I've done wrong. I'd get really angry too, when I'm reminded that the other slice of nutella is in fact not purely made out of nutella either.

I guess it's hard to be a perfect sandwich.

Gosh I'm getting really random. Sorry, just being weird.

I feel like I'll never be able to make things right to some of those slices of peanut butter and jam breads and it'll always be a torn that pains me.

I used to think silence is horrible. I like to get things out of my chest, voice them out, get the problem solved. Then I learnt that getting it out doesn't always equate to resolving it. Now I realised that I have came to forget this. Oh silly me, how could I forget? What made me think it'd be different this time? Turns out they're the same. I'll learn to shut my self in once again. I'll shut up. The same thing that caused me so much hurt. But I'll just let it eat my up from inside out till I'm left with an empty shell. At least my heart will remain. Just that maybe, just maybe, it will no longer beat.

-

Do you ever

feel like you're really alone? Like, even with all the acquaintances, friends, family, lover you have, you're ultimately alone after all.

Scar

One of the worst nights I've ever experienced. It was too brutally honest. Words spoken in anger are those that are the truest.

I don't know if this scar will ever fade away.

Popping by because
#1) It's the first day of school
#2) Monday blues
#3) Feeling fucked up because of the above reasons
#4) Need somewhere to rant
#5) Haven't updated in a while

So my timetable as of now is really screwed up. I've always sucked at planning and I just hate what I'm going through now. Need to settle it ASAP or I'll just be so damn grumpy.

Just came back from a three week long getaway to Taiwan and Korea. It was a good trip. I didn't feel like returning. Not that I dislike Singapore but 3 weeks wasn't enough for me. I will try to upload photos on those soon.

Spent my last holiday weekend on MJ camp. I look forward to MJ camp every single year because I know it'll inspire me once again, and I'll grow and learn from it. This year was especially good for me because I learnt with a much more open mind and heart. Tried to absorb like a sponge. It feels really refreshing to feel different this year. #getoutoftheshybox

I hope to achieve more through dance this year. #leapoffaith

:)