Round and round

Haven't been updating for the longest time because I was too caught up with holidays and with everything else happening. This holiday is really really short and I want to cherish every second of it. December is my favourite month! Not just because my birthday is in December, but also because December relates to holidays, the festive season, the period of fun, joy, and hope. Speaking about my birthday, I've never blogged about it proper, but I felt like the luckiest girl on earth on that day. Getting to spend that day with all of my favourite people in the world. I want to hug everyone and tell them I love them! I'm so blessed, so so blessed. :)

& it's already the 31st of December. Is it just me, or are the years getting shorter? Time is passing too quickly for me to handle these days.

 Spent 5 awesome days in Bangkok with Clique. & it's never boring with them cos they're all quirky people and I feel really comfortable around them. Of course, Bangkok is one of my favourite places to be. I love their food, and how everything is cheap. & with one of my favourite shopping buddies Chuxuan, we murdered platinum mall (okay not as much as we wanted to cos the things were cheap but not THATTTT cheap).

Missed the boy while I was away. We've been meeting every single day before I flew off and I've gotten used to his presence. Clingy much?! 

We were guest performers for Danzpeople's Christmas event: RAVE. It was rather slipshod but considering we only had half a day to really tie up loose ends, I'm glad there were no major mistakes or anything. & with that, we have finally met requirements to participate in Dancetitude!!! I CANNOT WAIT.

The boy came down to support with my favourite pink daisy ^^

& my favourite mehmeh Candice Tijuana ^^

Christmas eve was spent with my Gunguns over at my place, for a simple dinner and christmas exchange! Boyfie also joined us. Really appreciate him trying to get to know my friends and get past his awkward self. Heh. What more could I ask for for christmas, spending time with these loved ones? Chiehling and Estelli stayed over and we htht-ed a little as usual. Love moments like these.

Caught Wreck-it Ralph with Bi and his friends on Christmas itself. He's wearing the ahpek polo tee I bought him from bangkok hohoho it's Santa Aly!

And of course, the annual christmas clique gathering at Poo's place!

Major loveeee ^^

Remember packing little gift packs for my friends last christmas but I guess I wasn't feeling much of the christmas spirit this time round. Didn't even write cards for anyone. :< What happened to me?! Gotta start putting in effort for such things.

Had an impromptu Bintan trip with the boy (gosh my life is revolved all around him these days huh?! HAHAHA not complaining though)

Mineeeee

:3

Loved the three days spent there, despite the trip itself to be rather disappointing. Having him around my side 24/7 x 3 made me a very happy girl ^~^ It was like our little getaway from the rest of the world. Really relaxing and slow-paced. I don't think I'll get to enjoy "wasting" time like this anytime soon. Got myself really sunburnt though -_____-"

Results release was rather disappointing. Overall I've improved, but just one module pulled my entire GPA down. I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset because I think I've tried to work harder this semester. But things don't always go our way. I was so worried that I would fail that module and I'm just glad I didn't. Gotta work real hard for the next semester. It's gonna be difficult cos of hall dance and dancetitude but I'm need to have more self-discipline.

2012's about to be over in a flash. What a crazy year. Feel like I've been through so much just in this year, metamorphosing into a different me. As usual, I shall set new year resolutions (that I never ever follow)

1. Pull my GPA up

2. Level up as a dancer

3. Lead a healthy lifestyle and get slim

4. Make time for friends and never neglect them

5. Spend more time with the family

6. Be an awesome girlfriend

7. Do financial planning

The loose ends make knots. I've had many regrets, and have done things that I'm not proud of this year. Although it's a new year, a new start, but the past is written and will never go away. I just want to learn from what I've been through, and become a better person. & I wish the same for everyone else too. To get over their pasts, remember the happy bits, learn from the wrong ones, and become better. I just want everyone to be happy.

Have a great 31st, everyone! Cherish the last moments of 2012. The new year awaits and may it be fantastic ;)

I haven't been this happy. Wait, I don't think I've EVER felt this happy. But a part of me is fucking afraid. Can't afford to be a weakling and lose myself like how I did. & it's funny how 2 bottles of beer made all these feelings even stronger, like they're struggling to surface. Why would someone like me  deserve someone like you, because honestly sometimes I feel like I don't deserve anyone. Okay gotta sleep it off my head is spinning and I'm feeling like the most hideous person alive. Bye

Cover me up, cuddle me in

Settle down with me 
Cover me up 
Cuddle me in 
Lie down with me 
Hold me in your arms 

Your heart's against my chest 
Lips pressed to my neck 
I've fallen for your eyes 
But they don't know me yet 

And the feeling I forget 
I'm in love now 

Kiss me like you wanna be loved 
Wanna be loved 
Wanna be loved 

This feels like I've fallen in love 
Fallen in love 
Fallen in love 

I was having a late night chat with a friend and it struck that life is just filled with phases and we never stop going through them. It always takes something for us to realise what your heart actually wants, what you've actually be living for but just living it because it has already become a habit, what you think was okay was actually not, and all other things like that, those things that matter. Certain occurrences make you realise facts that you did not realise before, or just did not want to admit to. & that's just how life is. There is no right or wrong. It's just timing and interactions. Opportunities, regrets, luck, fate, right moments, wrong moments, all of them. Sometimes it bugs us - we want to choose what is 'right', but there often isn't. They are just options. & each route would unfold a different story.

& we always want what we don't have. That, I think, is a very sad thing about people. We just can't be satisfied with what we have. & even if we do, we often don't show it the right way.

I want to believe in forever. Different occurrences cause me to constantly change my decision. Things that make me lose faith, and things that make me regain that faith. Just the other day, I saw this elderly couple helping each other get down the bus, and they held hands as the trudged slowly. Tears just formed in my eyes that instant. There's just something about them that's so sweet and moving, and I wish I can own something like that too. Just how many of us are able to achieve something like that?

I hope you'd be happy and start anew. I hope you didn't get me wrong. I hope you'd find someone who'd cherish you.

Thursday night was spent with Clemmy and Yanjie where we had a mini QING GONG YAN to at a seafood tzechar place to celebrate our (self-proclaimed) end of finals! *toss confetti* We also had beer (and I don't want to mention how I trolled them towards the end because I am guilty) to conclude the semester.

Also a very happy Saturday out with my K44HTCHX. Manicure, some quick shopping, Starbucks while catching Breaking Dawn (which was good! Trust me, I hated both Twilight and New Moon),  and a long bus ride. Catching Danzation with MJ was awesome as well. Love catching dance productions, and I've been learning to notice details and learning points instead of just going through the motion of watching it. Inspiring to see such passion and unity. So warm and fuzzy. & of course, for a couple of minutes during the show I couldn't notice anything else. Also had supper with MJ, which we haven't in a long while. It was a perfect day to me.

Hitting the sacks. Good night and have a great day ahead.
xx

Screwed up all 3 mods so far but the biopsych paper today was the ultimate. Prof Doug successfully murdered me. Got butchered in the exam hall. YOU HAPPY NOW, HUH, DOUG?!  I felt like a complete idiot and covered my exam paper in shame whenever the prof walked pass because HOW CAN A YEAR 2 UNI STUDENT BE THIS CLUELESS. Felt so ridiculous doing the paper and kept picturing myself standing up in the middle of the paper, announcing "I'M NOT GONNA DO THIS ANYMORE YOU PEASANTS!!!" but nope of course that did not happen. Almost, but didn't. Was holding on to my last bit of sanity.

I am so exhausted and am hardly prepared for the paper tomorrow but it's my last day of exams (technically 3rd is but...) so I'm very excited now. Can't wait to have tzechar with the psychoz

*skips*

Doopdeedoooooo

i swear im going to flunk this paper because i dont know what kind of history this is, i mean like i study stuff like "he drank demon juice and that made him powerful" i mean like UHHHHH and the rest of the notes that i'm studying just consists of endless pictures of potteries and things like stones. apparently the stone is important but i have no idea why it is. and honestly i just feel like moving on from the past and look towards the future but this module won't let me. STOP DWELLING AND LIVING IN THE PAST oh gosh this history mod is killing me there is no meaning to this I'M DONE I HAD ENOUGH I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU HH0201

Panic Attack

It's tomorrow it's tomorrow it's tomorrow and I'm not ready not ready not ready. Locking myself in school for a full week (inclusive of weekends) sort of forced me to study, at least harder than I usually do (which actually means not studying at all). BUT I'M STILL UNPREPARED. Ah, who am I kidding?! A week's worth of preparation to counter 13 weeks of lagged school work? What a joke. AHHHHH OMGGGGGGG feel like throwing my plushies against walls and squishing them. AND I JUST KEEP THINKING OF FOOD EVERY SINGLE SECOND. It's like an obsessive compulsive disorder OMG I'm tested on OCD tomorrow and I can't remember the definition I WANNA DIE okay bye

1st

Thank you. For the late night chats and aimless strolls. For cracking my half-boiled eggs. For walking me to places. For buying me all sorts of my favourite food. For every "good morning" and "good night" texts. For promising me that you'll peel prawns for me even though you don't even eat prawns. For saying those things that meant so much to me. For being there for me. For being honest and true. For making me giggle when you behave so adorably kiddish sometimes. For making me feel so helplessly charmed whenever you're serious about something. For showing concern over all the small little things. For making me feel like I can actually start letting go of my insecurities (slowly) and accept my vulnerabilities. For making me feel certain for once. For making me feel this sort of bliss that I haven't felt in a while. For simply loving me.

xx

Rant

I just can't find a way to put it because I don't exactly want to, because it is rather ridiculous, and it makes me sound weak, but I 

decided to keep those thoughts to myself.

On a side note, I have been really happy. I have come to realise that I've only been going on about all the emonemo stuff here. Maybe I should start jotting down happy thoughts more often so I don't seem so psychologically imbalanced and depressed. I mean, honestly, have you seen me in real life?! I'm nowhere near suicidal or whatever (except these few weeks I mean like finals is driving me a wee bit wonky).

Haha contradicting myself again. Gah. Whatevz. Although I'm hardly ready for finals, I just can't wait for it to be over.

BLAH. Heading to bed.

Switch off

I have the tendency to fall back into routine, just because it's comfortable and safe. & there is nothing wrong with liking comfortable and safe, is there? My routine these days largely comprises of binge eating for comfort and self-declared narcolepsy (it's almost like a medical condition, seriously). It's like my bitch of a brain would auto-hibernate and switch over to Operation Denial whenever I tell myself to start studying. 

Lately I've been staring at the ceiling fan too much and for too long. Thinking about how so many things that used to matter no longer do, and how they were so temporary, regardless of how beautiful they used to be. I've been getting really nonchalant about certain things and absolutely oversensitive over some others. (What you said meant a whole lot to me.)

13 days to my first paper and I am stuck in an abyss of remorse and self-pity. I know myself too well and sometimes I hate how I just keep whining but not do anything about it. Here we go again. I'm gonna fuck it up so badly, yet another time.

Anyhooz, on a lighter note! Attended Evelyn's 21st birthday celebration tonight! Got to know her back in kindergarten (no kidding, totes adorbz way back thenzzzz), for 16 years now, and I know I'll keep this friendship of ours for life. ^^

With Ying baoberrr waiting for the Nicole Loke Binuan.

At this point, about 745pm, Evelyn was already half-drunk. *smh*

Love every minute spent with them.

& halfway through the day I've gotten myself a nasty eye infection. :< think it started cos I napped with my lenses on. It's not the first time I've done this ugh why can't I learn from my mistakes.

Swollen and looking real shitty. I actually look like a vampire that's turning and is about to feed. Reference material: Vampire Diaries.

AND NOT A SINGLE BIT OF STUDYING WAS DONE TODAY. *slow clap*

#YOLO #HOSEHBO

Tomorrow wah bei chiong chiong chiong and study real hard. JYEAHHHHH.

With much love, hunger pangs (even after eating so much at the party) (I blame everything on finals) (SHUT UP), & horrid red eyes.

xx

pointless

I have more insecurities than I'd ever show. I try pretending that I'm okay when I'm not. I care about the smallest things that don't seem to matter. I get affected by the lamest things. I worry about all the 'what if's too much. I hate it whenever I do because it's foolish. All these, they're all too familiar. Sometimes I beat myself over it, for allowing myself to be vulnerable, because I don't need to be. But I don't have a choice now, do I?

Two extremes

Pretty much sums me up, relationship-wise. & it's confounding. It doesn't quite make sense and I'm not sure if this is actually a good thing or...?

Realised I've hardly been updating about individual events, but just felt like bringing this up. Attended Kelly's wedding banquet a while ago. It's the first ever wedding dinner I've attended as a friend. All I've been for are those of my relatives'. It's a rather different experience for me. Makes me realise that we're actually starting to enter a different stage of life. I'm happy for Kelly, and I hope that she'll have a blissful marriage ^^

I love attending wedding dinners. Other than it being a convenient excuse to dress up, I really enjoy seeing people getting together, being happy. What makes two so special, so sure of each other, so much so that they want to spend the rest of their lives together? So much more goes behind what's shown. It's magical and something so precious.

Got to catch up with some secondary school friends as well!

OOTD. Finally gotten a chance to wear this skirt out (yes I'm aware the asymmetrical skirt trend is over  - that's why I'm wearing it), and love tops like these nowadays!

Acting chio LOL

Should try wearing centre-parting out some day when I feel confident of it hahahahaha

Fugly set of photos but I'm gonna upload it since the background is pretty

SPT is also officially over! Yay! :> First time leading a team since I've joined MJ. Quite a good opportunity I would say! & handling such a huge group (the rest had like 5 or 6 members) wasn't easy. I'm really thankful for having cooperative group mates, and what's better, they are all so efficient and experienced. Learnt a hell lot from them. Also got to choreograph an actual piece. I'm still not confident of choreographing, but it's a good start. Definitely sparked my interest, and I'm not that afraid of choreographing now. Now that SPT is over, this probably marks the end of dance commitments for this semester. As much as I enjoy dancing, it is indeed a huge burden off my chest. I need all the time I can have to focus on studies, considering how far I am lagging behind the rest of the cohort.

Srethgie steamboat on Friday! Seriously most of the time I'm just hanging out with Srethgie even on non-dance days.

Srethgie love ^^

Day out to town.

OOTD. I LOOOOVE the prints on the bustier! Also the coral bandage skirt which I randomly got from a school bazaar. Cheap and pretty ^^

Gotta love Taylor's new album. She speaks (in her case, sings) for every girl.

& my favourite caramel corn, from the favourite.

Feeling a lil................ Weird. Just feel like reading some books and lay on bed and do nothing at all. I think it's my pre-monday blues acting up again.

xx

Simple gestures

I honestly think that it's all the littlest things that count. A simple "How are you doing?", "Have you eaten your dinner" or a "You can do it" can mean so much. These things add up to something really huge, with a whole lot of meaning to them. I really appreciate those. Compliments also spur me to work harder, gives me some sort of motivation and affirmation. I think I really need to stop doubting myself all the time and tell myself that things can be done. That I can achieve them. That I will reach what I want to attain.

Ending the night on a chirpy note. Rare to come by these days.

On a side note, I can be rather slow to catch on signals sometimes, but I'm not that insensitive to not notice the change. I just don't understand why things have to be so complicated, when it's obviously just a simple thing. I just hate having to please everyone all the time already. Why? Seriously, why? It's such a bother, really, to have it on my mind all the time. Tell me I'm not overthinking things. (Just when I thought I was gonna end the night on a good note. Well it's still good but I guess we all have things to deal with.)

Oh well, happy halloween! (Sad me didn't get to dress up nor go treat or treating. BOOOOO.)

A moment ago I was perfectly fine and happy. The next I felt like my whole world was gonna crumble. How the fuck am I supposed to churn out a 800 word essay in two days?! Especially with all the SPT pracs, in-class essay (which I'm so unprepared for) and project filming and all that in between? I just felt so mad and frustrated, like I'm spinning out of control. I feel like setting everything on fire. Went for a shower in hopes to cool myself down but SOMEONE TOOK MY FAVOURITE CUBICLE (I call it MY THINKING ROOM). WHOEVER YOU ARE, A BIG FUCK YOU TO YOU!!!!! No bitch takes my cubicle when I'm mad! >:( Ended up bawling my eyes out in the third cubicle (WHICH I HATE BTW). I need a cigarette so bad and I've never ever felt this way, EVER!!!!! I don't believe in relying in such stuff and I know it's unhealthy. It's so peculiar. UGH. Alternatively a hug would suffice. I think.

Save me right now

I look and stare so deep in your eyesI touch on you more and more every timeWhen you leave I'm begging you not to goCall your name two, three times in a row
Such a funny thing for me to try to explainHow I'm feeling and my pride is the one to blame'Cause I know I don't understandJust how your love you're doing, no one else can
Got me looking so crazy right nowYour love's got me looking so crazy right nowGot me looking so crazy right nowYour touch got me looking so crazy right now
Got me hoping you'll page me right nowYour kiss got me hoping you'll save me right nowLooking so crazy in love's got me lookingGot me looking so crazy in love

Disarming, adj:

Some days my life is a series of bombs waiting to go off, and you manage to charm them into defusing.

I might just spontaneously combust. I just might. Haven't felt this bliss in a while. This rarity. For me, it really is. Slowly letting go of fear. Appreciating the simplest things. Make this last. Never let it fade away.
x

Hiding in between sheets listening to The XX. Completely distracted from the personality presentation slides that I'm supposed to do up. Not much time left and SPT item isn't even halfway done.

How are you doing?

xx

i want to be skinny, just like other girls. i want bones. i want to look good in anything i wear. i want my collarbones to be seen. i want that gap between my thighs when i place my feet together. i want thin arms that i won't feel conscious about whenever i wear sleeveless tops. i want my hipbones to protrude. i hate my fat cheeks. i want to wear a fitting dress and not feel fat. i want to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. i hate my tummy. i hate my muscular calves. i hate how my thighs are big from dancing. i hate how i whine about how fat i am but still binge and then feel absolutely horrid about it after. i hate how i only put in so little effort to exercise and expect myself to look thin. who am i even kidding. i hate how i'm breaking out again. it reminds me of how ugly i am and how ugly i used to feel. i hate how my skin can no longer turn fair and i'm just like, yellow. i hate how other girls have nice hair. and mine's just ugly and flat, with all the grey hair. i hate how i look so old. i hate my nose. i hate it that i'm so hairy. i hate my small boobs. i hate it that i have no cheekbones. i want smaller shoulders so that i can feel more feminine. i dislike my huge hips and my big butt. i want to look approachable and not be judged as fierce or unfriendly all the time. i hate feeling ugly and insecure and small and not being good enough.

Ready

& so

a new chapter

begins.

Different stars

I'm such a flawed person. Having another one of those moments now, doubting, low self-esteem. I always think I've done enough, till I actually look back. I would then realise "How could that have been enough?". I want to be better.

I've been bingeing lately. I do that when I'm stressed out, or just when I'm happy. I guess now its a mixture of both, which spells doom. Just yesterday, I had a super legit dimsum buffet (non-stop ordering and eating), followed by a serving of froyo, ramen for dinner, followed by pizzas, washed down with beer. Beer... Is just making me balloon like a crazy fat bitch. The weighing machine is just sitting there alone, a sad corner of my room. And I dare not step on it. Not anytime soon. I feel so horrendously ugly these days.

Weight gain and ugliness is definitely not the sole reason for my dejection. School work. I can't even begin. I thought I knew what I was doing this semester. I am wrong. Horribly wrong. SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

& you. You occupy my mind. I have no brain storage space for anything else.

So i will hum alone, too far from you.
All that i say now is nothing to you.
We will lie under different stars,
I am where i am and you're where you are, you're where you are.

Sigh pie

I find myself sighing a lot lately. When I think of my HH0201 readings I haven't covered. When I think of the SPT choreo that's supposed to be done but I haven't even started on. When I think of how I'm such a mediocre dancer. When I think of how much I've been eating despite looking like a tub of oil. When I think of the number of birthday celebrations coming up that I want to attend but might not be able to. When I think of how Frolick is constantly bugging me to work when I don't have the time to. When I think of how exams are just a month away. When I think of what you said. When I think of what he said. When I think of what I think. When I think about how everything doesn't fit right and there are hollows between the cracks. When I think of how hopeless and vulnerable I am now. Bare, bare. My heart is bare.

sometimes i think i don't deserve happiness because of all the people i've hurt, even though i don't have the intention to. i just want everybody to be happy, without hurting anyone in the process. it's unattainable though. a childish wish.

in any case, it's insane how happy i can get it's almost unreal. and then the next moment i sink back into my whirlpool of negative thoughts. not too sane. plain ridiculous.

Deja vu

It feels like I've had this thought way too many times, so much so it feels like deja vu, like it keeps replaying. I hate how things are always fleeting. I want things to stay. I want the people I cherish to know I do. I want those who matter to stay. I want happiness to stay. I'm so worried that all I feel would be just be fleeting, something that wouldn't last. I worry too much, and I say too little. It's getting difficult to put my thoughts across, not even to anyone, but to myself. It's getting tougher for me to say how I feel because I'm afraid when I do, my intentions would be misinterpreted, and things would go wrong.

Last night I dreamt that I saw friends who used to be close to me, and one of them were crying over the loss of someone. & I felt sad. Then I was protecting this little girl from big gigantic men who were chasing after her. I kept feeding her with food. & this guy proposed to me with a pink ring with a tiny diamond on it. & it all didn't make sense.

That's what my reality is like now actually. It makes no sense.

More than words

MJ Battle Vol. 5

As a freshie in MJ last year, I was inspired by all the seniors who battled. It was a real eye-opener for someone who's new to hiphop. At the back of my head I thought "I'd NEVER be able to do that". But I DID IT, just yesterday. Honestly, I was stressing over the battle for the longest time. The worry constantly echoes in my head, more so when I try not to think about it. I feel guilty when I don't session, I feel guilty because I fear. I tell you, I am this huge gigantic mass of fear.

When Yanyan first approached me to pair up with her for the battle, I remembered telling her "No, sorry. I just don't feel comfortable doing it yet. I don't think I will ever do it." & then Candice came along and asked me to do it together, talking about overcoming ourselves, stepping out of our comfort zones, and for a crazy second I thought to myself "Hey, Aly, it's about time you do something about your constant lack of confidence." and so I replied a big OKAY LET'S FUCKING DO THIS SHIT.

Fast forward to yesterday, everything zoomed past like a dream (nightmare specifically). I was so nervous during the auditions my upper body went numb. Candice and I gave pep talks to each other, exchanging hugs, and I didn't want to pull her down. We downed redbull, we downed some Heineken, and the next moment we were showcasing our routines. My brain was a blank. I have no issues with doing choreography, but freestyling is a another altogether. I FUCKING SUCK AT IT. My musicality is limited to "ONE AND TWO AND THREE AND FOUR", I have very little hiphop vocab (or any other dance vocab in any case), and I FEAR FREESTYLING. I can never understand people who can just do it with ease. I dislike feeling lousy, and I dislike having other people scrutinizing my every move.

I just kept telling Candice "Let's just do whatever we can. Our first will be our last round anyway." But we went into final 8. Then final 4. Then top 2. It was. Crazy.

Firstly, I would say other teams deserve those positions, much more than we do. We know where we stand. & the positioning is such a burden. The judges were probably impressed seeing us fight for our dear lives and wanted to see how far we could push ourselves. I may come off as a little disrespectful and offensive, but I'd rather not have it that way. Don't do this to us. We are people with feelings. Take it easy, they say. But it is afterall our first battle, a stepping stone, something that means so much to us. Nobody can imagine how much courage it took us to finally step up. I'm glad we were given then chance to fight, to try, to prove people wrong, but I'd rather not. I sound like a total wuss. It was embarrassing. I felt like we were NOWHERE near the other teams' standards. All we had was sheer willpower and that fighting spirit, which was actually forced courage converted from fear. Of course, we had chemistry as well. I am really thankful though, for all the support from my fellow MJians. I'm just really grateful to have them. Shouting "change move! don't panic! just slut it out! jiayou you can do this". & I just kept pushing. & all the exchanging of hugs and encouraging words, they mean a whole lot to me.

We lost in the end, but of course. It is a miracle we even got this far (trust me, I know where we stand). But it was a helluva fun night. I'm proud that we finally stepped up, and made a breakthrough, together.

Thank you, my fellow kampung44 hotchix partner Candice Sibei Hot Chillipadi Ong! So thankful for you to go through this with me. I wouldn't wanna have it another way. You did great out there. You were so kind to tank the 1minute solos because I was still chickening out in the midst of the battle. Pre-battle tears and jitters were taken over by this strong and powerful girl I see. I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!!! We'll work hard together and shine much brighter the coming year. :) Love you!

FLaVa love. Although we no longer have pracs together, these people are the ones that brought me to love MJ, to love hiphop. The hardwork we put in together changed us, changed me. I value each and single one of you so much!

My girls, Yan and Fel. Yanyan is just constantly telling me JUST DO IT JUST DO IT and encouraging me. & Fel just keeps telling me to stop worrying and to just do my best. Both super helpful and never ever hesitate when I ask for help or whenever I bug them to train basics with me, or when I whine that I'm nervous. Love!

MY ROOMIE ZAHZAH!!! Such a pity she didn't get to battle because honestly she would have done so so good. Such an inspiration to watch her dance. Raw, pure, and full of intention. I know it must feel bad to withdraw last minute, but next year you'll wow the crowd, I'm so damn fucking sure of it. This girl is also so encouraging. Kept screaming her lungs out at the audience seat and constantly reassured us throughout the battle. Love her for that :)

So many takeaways from this experience. No regrets. Soooo inspired by all the battlers, seriously. Each and every single one. So motivated to strive to be a better dancer. Metamorphosise I will!

& nothing matters more than having your support. Thank you :)

Everything happened within a single day. Dear Heavens, I understand that you want to make my life difficult and drama-filled but spread them out at least? It's beyond ridiculous I don't even know how to feel. I think I've collected enough bad karma the past few months to last me a lifetime. I regret the things I've done, words I've never said, words that I've said wrongly, words that I've said to the wrong person. Sorry can only mean so much, but that's the only thing I can say. Nothing can justify my actions, I suppose. I don't want to make mistakes again. But can anyone tell me what's right and what's not? I don't want to hurt myself. But I hurt people. I don't want to, but I still do, because I'm selfish. Yes, guilty as charged, I know it very well. I don't know when I've become like this but that's just how I function now. I'm not worth all these. Not a single bit. 'cos I'm as fucked up as a person can get.

Apart from all these, I'm letting my heart decide.

There she laid, completely still, under a silk blanket. The only movement came from the sheets, and for a moment I thought to myself "What if it's her that's moving?", but it didn't take me long to realise that it was just the wind. I could picture her, laying motionless, face pale, void of any sign of vitality. Funny how I usually found her annoying and too loud, and for me to hope that she would make any sort of a sound instead of just being there. Being there, but not here. Not here with us. Received a phone call at work just now from dad and was in denial until I reached home. Right until I saw everyone's faces. Right till I saw what a mess our home looked like. Till I saw Right until the moment I saw the corpse. Everything's in a mess. On another hand, I'm really glad her suffering is over, & that grandma no longer have to spend so much time taking care of her. I'm just really worried for grandma. Please stay strong. Now I'm stuck. Like I always am.

Rest in peace, third aunt.

Missing

Still slightly hungover even after recuperating for a day. Nursed a friend till daybreak. So lethargic after everything, napped and the next thing I knew, I woke up to a dark sky. One day gone just doing nothing. My cognitive processes were so slow I think half my usual speed. Damaging, then repairing, and the cycle continues. After everything I just don't feel like myself anymore. I've to stop myself. Stop. Aly, get a grip.

Aaaand... SUAD is finally over. So proud of MJ :) I love it when I'm with them, sharing the same stage, with that same burning passion. So proud, so of each and every single dancer. Thank you, MJ. Also, SUAD was  mind-blowing, even though I only got to watch snippets from the rehearsals and from the backstage. Props to the NUS Dance Blast! team. Awesome awesome job. Can't wait for our very own production. Excited and nervous about it already. Need to train up my stamina to match up. Love it when I'm involved in concerts like these. As tiring as it may get, it really bonds people together. & I love that. I like seeing everyone's happy faces ^^ that's all the matters.

//My heart is beating in a different way,
Been gone such a long time//

It's intensifying and I'm afraid I'll lose control one day. That, I can't allow to happen.

At the end of the day, it's always fruitful. It'll put a smile across my face. I know how hard it is but I still take it up because I know in the end I'll feel happy and satisfied, much more than anything else. Was feeling so cranky during the past few practices because I'm so fed up with how I can't study well (and honestly I just can't handle stress). Today was the last prac, and upon watching the video of our last rehearsal, I just felt like "Hey, THAT was what we've been working so hard for", and it is beyond awesome. I'm not the only one feeling stressed out, definitely. Those dancers out there are facing the same shit everyday, if not worse. Yet they keep fighting. & I ought to do the same. Fight.

& I really love my fellow dancers. So glad to have these angels in my life. Wouldn't want a life without them. ^^

Hovering between reality and illusion

xx
Aly

Simple Joys

I know it's quite trivial, but felt quite honoured to be picked out by Pat for today's senior class. Despite that, I didn't do as well as I could. Still, pretty contented. Among the rest who are picked out are my peers whom I feel are a couple of best dancers in my batch. Also, the seniors never fail to awe me. Crazy musicality, crazy control, crazy movements. Choreo project showcase was yet another eye-opening experience. Also, the new batch of freshies are an insane bunch. Crazily hardworking and passionate. You can just feel it in the air. The thing about dance is, every little thing can inspire you. It touches your very soul. So glad I'm part of this :)

Really need to step out of my comfort zone. My lack of confidence. MUST. IMPROVE.

Incoherent post 'cos I'm really drained after a long day (long week, in fact) but yeah.

A typical uni student has three things to balance. 1) Sleep 2) Studies 3) Social life. & it's said that one can only choose 2 out of the 3.
A uni student who is also a dancer has a fourth worry: 4) Dance
It is definitely taking a toll on me because I am not exactly good at balancing my work. Whilst trying to pull up my grades (I am definitely taking things much more seriously now), I don't wanna give up on dance either. It is really painful.

Dancing is also a burden, as much as I don't want to admit it. It has hard for it not to be, given the situation we're in. This is something that a lot of non-dancers won't ever understand. "Dance so much for what?" "Do you really have no time at all?" "Siao ah dance until so late" "Aiya don't take it so seriously lah". Those are things that I hear from my friends, and sometimes I think of those things myself. But really, I don't think I can ever give up on something this precious, this close to me. I really respect those who can balance between dancing and everything else. I wish I could.

Okay ramblez over.

Is it wrong to always long for a certain sort of freedom? I hover between clinging onto something real and that desire for freedom. & I go through the same sort of emotion every day, with the thought hanging around the back of my head, so much so that maybe it's already something that defines me by now. Would it be pathetic for me to feel sad for myself over such a thing? After all, it's just me being selfish. But...

Haven't had a happy post in such a long time. Should start thanking what I have and be appreciative again.

I've realised I really don't understand myself. What the fuck am I even doing? & sometimes doing nothing is worse than anything else.

Nonsensical rant at 2 in the morning cos I had too much for supper and am feeling fat and bad again. To think I kept saying I'd swear off supper.

More than fandom

Been a fan of BoA since I was in Primary 5, which is a total of 10 years and counting. I might come off as obsessive or crazy, I'm aware, but I regard her more than just an idol. She's a role model to me. So when she had her Korean comeback, I was beyond thrilled and happy. It's rather disappointing as she didn't get as many wins as before, but I do appreciate the fact that most of the songs in the album are her very own production. I've seen her mature in her music (rather Japanese and Western influenced now which is not surprising considering her involvement in both Japan and the States, which isn't a bad thing! It's different from the rest) and I feel really proud of her. Some of my favourite tracks are 

1. Only One

Melodious and soothing, very different from her previous title tracks, which are usually the heavy-bass, blood pumping sort of dance tracks. It's very easy fall in love with this track because it's a song everyone can easily relate to, I believe. Absolutely LOVE the choreography for this track too. Lyrical Hiphop is something that I appreciate, just because it's expressive, strong and yet flowy at the same time. The choreography is a visual representation of the song, and I think the whole arrangement makes the song complete. Just awesome!

2. The Shadow

Super edgy, super cool. Not your typical dance track. Doesn't sound like much on the first listen, but grows on you after the second. Besides, she looks mighty fine in the music video.

3. Not Over You

Actually I like all the songs in the album. Most of the songs aren't the sort that you'd think "omg so catchy" at the first listen. They are the sort that requires a couple of listens to fully appreciate the uniqueness (which I actually like!). The lyrics are all pretty meaningful too.

Alright, enough fangirling.

I've realised I haven't been updating much. So much to backtrack. Just so caught up with my responsibilities now. Can't wait for it to be all over. But when will it ever?

Losing it

About to lose it anytime. Handling things alone? Not easy at all. Especially if you don't have the necessary materials. I've been whining for the past month but there's honestly nothing I can do to improve the situation. Really hate everything now. & isn't it basic courtesy to at least be polite to people you wanna seek help from? Just wanna set fire to every single fucking thing. BURN. BURNNNNN!

I really have NO IDEA what I'm doing.

Certainty

& I realised how nothing can be certain, and how everything is intricately related to everything else. One thing connects to another: results are started by causations. One wrong move can kill. & I realise how I keep talking about the same thing over and over again because that's just how insecure, how skeptical I am. It's ridiculous how the whole world can crumble down because of ONE single decision that ONE person made. It's ridiculous how some things you thought may never occur, occurs. It's ridiculous how I don't understand how so many things work. It's ridiculous how so many things are ridiculous in this world.

I can't handle stress, I'll admit that. I respect people who can.

Just so many things going through my head right now. & I suddenly thought to myself that things are never just black and white. They can't be that simple. The world is just made up with different shades of grey.

Second week of the new semester and I'm already feeling lethargic. Need strength to carry on.

No, don't. That crazy sensation rushes right into your skull and you can't rid it. But no. Defy it. Hold on to yourself because it's what you told yourself to do, right from the start. Guard, with all your might. Once you lose it, you'll spin out of control. Nobody wants that.

Received a text from someone whom I thought have exited my life for good. Really glad to know you're doing fine. If we ever meet again.

Dead hearts are everywhere, everywhere.
x

This is it boys, this is war

Tick tick, time's up. As much as I've been putting away this thought, it's time to wake up my idea, 'cos term starts tomorrow. In actual fact, just 13hours to my first lesson. Never thought 3 months of Summer break could fly pass this quickly. I could never be more wrong. Facing my nightmare. PUT YOUR HORSE COME HERE, BITCH. *swagger* *head shake* *bitch please face* *finger snapping*

Haven't been updating much. Been too busy enjoying my last few weeks of freedom (I make it sound like a fucking death sentence) to remember to blog. I always open the blogger page, attempt to type something, but drift off somewhere else. Gotta start packing for hall life (yay???). Till next time!

Signing off, Gangnam style.

x